Hi everyone, I haven't really been on here in a while as I genuinely thought that I was actually getting better. If you have seen my previous posts you'll know that I have come out of a rather toxic relationship a few months back but saying that, I lost someone who I really loved and thought was my best friend. So over the past few months I have had my share of struggles but I thought the depression was gone. Even though I was hurting and felt low, it wasn't as low as how I had felt previously in the relationship so I assumed that my depression was solely caused by the person I was in a relationship with.
One habit which I still have which I hate but I can not seem to snap out of is looking on social media at what he's doing or "liking" basically making myself unhappy whilst watching him be happy which makes me angry because I am the one who got hurt yet he's the one whose happy.
I have done this a lot more recently as other things in my life seem to be getting me down too. I feel so on my own and lonely. I feel like I do not have many friends at all, the ones I do have are either far away living their own lives now so they aren't consistently in my life and I feel like I struggle making new friends I feel like an outsider at uni too as everyone has their own cliques of friends and I don't. This used to not bother me as much as I always used to have a boyfriend to come home too but now I don't, it really makes me feel so isolated and sad. Also, to top it off, as my mum and dad have been divorced for a year now, I live with my dad and he has become involved with a woman who had been there for him and me and my brother during the difficult time who I thought was lovely and got on well with. To help with the hard time I went on holiday with her for a week, a few weeks back to get away and have fun, but the week turned very sour when she turned on me and ended up glassing me and going off with two men and leaving me on my own, luckily a girl who I had met out there saw the whole thing and took me to get medical help as she had left me. I saw her later on that night and she continued to scream at me to hurt me and yelling that she wish she got my throat. I felt so alone I wanted to get a flight home but there were none, I wanted to move hotels but I couldn't afford it I felt trapped and scares because of how she was treating me and how she could hurt me the way she did as she cut all my hand open and injured my leg. I just wanted to go home to my dad and see my mum too. But when we got home my dad seemed to just forgive her instantly. He didn't confront her and he didn't stick up for me which hurt. And he will still have her come round when I'm at home and it upsets me so I have to go out I feel like I can't even go home and feel safe. I feel like I have no one in my corner
So my days are spent trying to forget my ex, dealIng with the fact I don't have anyone and wondering if I'm going to come home and have to go back out and cry. I have my mum I admit but she's all I have right now and if she's busy or not aroind then literally I have no one. all this every day has just made the depressive symptoms I used to have come back. I feel low, like I'm not in control of my life. I feel hopeless I feel weak I feel miserable. I feel like all I have is me and I'm struggling to battle through this and be strong.