Admitting the inner trouble

Hi all,

I've never done this before. I came across this website after looking up signs of bipolar really.

I haven't been diagnosed with depression, nor have I been diagnosed with anything really. But, if I'm being completely honest I have suffered for far too long without ever seeking any form of help. Maybe talking here will begin to make me understand what is going on.

I try not to feel sorry for myself, but if you feel a certain way then why do I beat myself up about it?

I do have good days, sometimes (very very rare) I have been known to be 'stable & happy' for a whole week! Like, I genuinely feel proud of myself for getting through the days I go through. As if it's an achievement.

I have been in some dangerously horrible places in my head before, but I have never tried to completely end it all. I turn to things that destroy us as people. Alcohol, drugs and wild behaviour.

Like everyone, I have been through some real horrible things in my past and I try to make it define me as a person and prove how strong I am by getting through it. BUT it's not as easy as that, as you know.

I forever live in the past, I am constantly scared of the future. Scared of not having enough time.

I get myself into a mood, it happens out of the blue. I can be sat there watching comedy with my boyfriend and be laughing having a lovely time, then all of a sudden I just stop and stare and then my mind goes at a hundred miles an hour and I start to over think everything then I cannot snap out of it. I get so down, I start to feel trapped. I will end up walking out and just wanting to run.

Only I will ever know how I feel, but this isn't even half of what I go through. Recently, in the last 2/3 weeks it has become so bad that I feel like I need answers and help before I end up getting myself into a situation of dark dark thoughts.

I have rambled on so much in my first message. But, even just getting this little sector of my mind out into words has felt a little better.

xXx

3 Replies

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  • Hi there and welcome to our Action on Depression Forum. Our members are sure to take care of you,

    Chloe

  • You, my dear, have come to the right place. We can give you comfort and support and give you examples of how we cope.What we cannot do is diagnose so of course you would need to see a Doctor for that and any medications which could be effective in your case.

    In my case, I started out with anxiety. It came out of the blue and scared me to death. I was certain I was dying and I had 2 little kids at the time. I also had endless thoughts running round in my head and when I wasn't anxious I was anticipating being anxious. I had therapy and took anti-depressants, and made some life for myself as in classes and part time work. It worked very well. I had years of peace, then in my 60s several things happened which left me in a major depressive state. I am working on that now and I think I can get past it. I hope this encourages you because it can be over come. Any questions, just ask.

    Pam

  • Hi Amylou,

    You've made the first step, don't you feel better? I agree with Just Peachy. Get yourself to the Doctor. It's nearly always the first piece of advice we offer for a reason.

    We can empathise or sympathise, but we can't diagnose. We are all here to be a sounding board and to share our experiences. I'm in recovery from my most recent depressive episode, but every now and then something happens that reminds me of my fragility.

    You're right, we have all had bad things happen. Some of us worse than others, but this isn't a competition, because there aren't any winners or losers. We can only ever experience our own happiness and pain, and from personal experience, being strong can almost be as dangerous as giving in. I was "strong" when I needed to be, but my strength wasn't limitless.

    I hope you get the help you need.

    Lori

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