I've never done this before. I came across this website after looking up signs of bipolar really.
I haven't been diagnosed with depression, nor have I been diagnosed with anything really. But, if I'm being completely honest I have suffered for far too long without ever seeking any form of help. Maybe talking here will begin to make me understand what is going on.
I try not to feel sorry for myself, but if you feel a certain way then why do I beat myself up about it?
I do have good days, sometimes (very very rare) I have been known to be 'stable & happy' for a whole week! Like, I genuinely feel proud of myself for getting through the days I go through. As if it's an achievement.
I have been in some dangerously horrible places in my head before, but I have never tried to completely end it all. I turn to things that destroy us as people. Alcohol, drugs and wild behaviour.
Like everyone, I have been through some real horrible things in my past and I try to make it define me as a person and prove how strong I am by getting through it. BUT it's not as easy as that, as you know.
I forever live in the past, I am constantly scared of the future. Scared of not having enough time.
I get myself into a mood, it happens out of the blue. I can be sat there watching comedy with my boyfriend and be laughing having a lovely time, then all of a sudden I just stop and stare and then my mind goes at a hundred miles an hour and I start to over think everything then I cannot snap out of it. I get so down, I start to feel trapped. I will end up walking out and just wanting to run.
Only I will ever know how I feel, but this isn't even half of what I go through. Recently, in the last 2/3 weeks it has become so bad that I feel like I need answers and help before I end up getting myself into a situation of dark dark thoughts.
I have rambled on so much in my first message. But, even just getting this little sector of my mind out into words has felt a little better.