I'm new to this site and just really need to vent and hear from others that may be in a similar situation. I'll tell you a bit about myself and then what is happening right now. (Apologies for the length!!!)
I've been struggling to cope with everyday life on and off for the last 6 years. Most days I feel like shutting off and just lying in bed. I cry a lot, sometimes I'm not even sure why and I struggle to concentrate on just about anything. I struggle to sleep at night as I just cant seem to get rid of negative thoughts.
When I do try to engage with others or with my work I feel that I am being judged constantly and that everyone around me thinks I am incapable. I get anxious and am prone to panic attacks. I also have a horrible relationship with food, I feel like I use food as a comfort blanket and I know I overeat but cannot seem to find a way to stop even when I know that enough is enough. As a result, I've put on 40kg over the last few years and 20kg just in the last 6 months which has done nothing for my confidence and mood.
I come from a family where mental illness is seen as something that only weak people claim to have. My dad in particular sees those with mental illness as lazy or that they just need to snap out of it. As a result I have never openly discussed my feelings with family or my partner.
I used to think about suicide often, in the past I have attempted suicide but for the last year this seems to have gotten better. I no longer actively think about committing suicide but my attitude towards death is if it happens, it happens. Is this normal??
I have been to my GP several times over the years when I've hit crisis point. I've been prescribed two different SSRI's (citalopram and sertraline) both of which made my sleep even worse and didn't seem to help to improve my symptoms despite being on them for at least 6 months as I thought I would give them time to work. My GP kept increasing my dose but in the end I gave up and resorted to trying to cope myself. Over the time I've also had appointments with a psychiatric nurse to talk through my problems, I found these appointments upset me and made me reflect more on my situation which only worsened my symptoms.
At one point my GP also prescribed diazepam for my anxiety and I found that these helped to calm me down a lot but it obviously wasn't a permanent solution.
I started a new job as a HR generalist two months ago. It's a demanding role that constantly requires a quick response to urgent and unexpected tasks and I struggle to meet my deadlines. I feel like I cant talk to my supervisor because I will be judged and I often leave work crying. Despite being there only two months I have already had to have a week off sick. This week I have struggled to even get myself out of bed. As a result I just didn't turn up to work today. My manager tried to call me and I just shut my phone off, I just couldn't bring myself to speak to her. I feel really guilty and worried about what will happen when I go back. I know not showing up was a really stupid thing to do but I just cant cope anymore.
I have made an appointment with my GP for tomorrow and I have no idea what to even say to them. I feel like I am wasting everybody's time and I just don't know what I can do to pull myself out of this situation.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation and how have you managed to cope/ turn things around?