Should My Mum Still Pay For My Bras?

[anonww9]

I'm 17 years old and have desperately needed new bras for at least a year, they don't fit me at all and can cause me great pain when I do wear the ones I have or nearly all of them are broken or ripped- but I still have to wear them because they're all I have. I ask my mum nicely and politely if we can go to get some (I wouldn't dream of going on my own because of my anxiety and I have no money) but she puts it off so much, and when we discuss actual plans she says that she won't pay for them or that I have to contribute? I'm not asking for fancy bras, I just want something basic that actually fits and won't cause me any pain anymore. My dad pays so much money a month of child support so that I can have these basic needs, and apparently in the past she has actually used this to buy herself things, so am I wrong for asking my mum to pay for at a push two basic bras so that I'm no longer in pain? She makes me feel terribly guilty. I know this is a weird question to ask on this forum but any opinion will do.

[Hidden]

Hi

I would say that if your dad is giving her child support for you still, then yes she should pay for them.

Maybe you should have,a word with your dad and ask him to give you some of the money direct for clothes as your mum won't buy them.

I hope that you can work something out.

Good luck and best wishes.

[anonww9 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks! I may have to do that

[Photogeek]

Hi there, phone your Dad and tell him exactly what you are going through, and ask him to give you a monthly allowance for stuff. That's ridiculous of your Mum, have you any Aunt that you could talk to? I gather you live in U.S? Good luck and stick up for yourself, are you still n school?

Hannah

[anonww9 in reply to Photogeek]

I'm in the UK, I would but he does pay a lot every month and I would feel guilty- probably a feeling my mum has instilled in me. I live hundreds of miles away from my family so I can't do much- yeah I'm still in school :):

[Lbk64 in reply to anonww9]

Perhaps you could ask him to split the payments, some to your mum and some to you so that you can purchase things that you need.

[Mandy6513]

I agree with other members. Have a chat with your dad to have a small amount paid directly into an account it will do you good to learn to budget your own money and perhaps think about getting a job on a weekend ....It is all good learning experiences and good character building for the future

Good luck

[anonww9 in reply to Mandy6513]

My mum used to pay the money he sent into my account from August 2015 but recently stopped for some reason? She used it against very often and would threaten to take it away over minor things and in the end she just stopped for no reason.

I had a weekend job before, only on the saturday, and it affected my mental health ridiculously because I found my self having no time to do my school work, as my college is 9 till 5 every day and it takes three buses to get there and three to get back, so I get home at 7pm. So although I want a weekend job, and it would benefit me massively, when I return to college it will, to put it simply, ruin me. I wish I was just making excuses up for myself or being lazy because that would be much easier to solve

thanks for your reply!

[BettyA]

I am SO very sorry you are going through this. It is absolutely NOT fair..... I know if a few too many cases where the child support does NOT go for the child(ren) ... Are you in touch with your Dad on a regular basis? Maybe just this once, as others have suggested, you could ask your Dad for the money enough to buy a couple of bras. Do you have a school counselor? I would maybe talk with her, too.... Take care and I wish you so much love and luck.

BettyA

[BettyA]

In the states, the father is required to keep paying child support until said child is 21.....IF..... the child still lives at home. If I were you, I would work with a counselor and make it an aim to move OUT of your mother's house as soon as you are 18... Hopefully this will work out with where you are attending college (university)... Just an idea. Your mother may want to KEEP you in her home if she will still be getting the money. All I know is: you need professional advice to get you through this. I hope you will consider this.

[anonww9 in reply to BettyA]

I'm gonna reply to both your messages here if that's okay! Yeah my dad has to continue paying support until I go to university- which is luckily next september. I am 100% moving out and can't wait, I would agree I do need professional advice on dealing with my parent, the internet is currently my source of help- I research every single day and it helps so much. I've had counselling prior to this which is how I found out my mum causes my depression, without that I would be clueless. I messaged my step mum and she's given me advice on dealing with the situation. Recently, my dad, step mum and I have formed a close bond because I spoke out about this and my dad recognises her behaviour because he broke up with her for the very reason.

Thanks for your replies they were insightful

[deejames]

No you are not wrong. Badly fitting bras can cause all sorts of problems as well as being really uncomfortable. I don't know how you persuade her. Is there a relative you can enlist to support you? Or your father directly ?

Dee

[Hidden]

This was me also - I bra which lasted 4 years and no sanitary wear either. Had to find all ways to buy my own eg babysitting, partime job which wasn't easy. Smacks of neglect I'm afraid and I'm sorry this is happening as I had all this too. If you are in education then your mum will be getting Child benefit, or have the rules changed in the last 8 years since mine were your age? I would never let my daughter struggle like this and always supported her with her personal stuff. I'm glad you are getting support from your dad and stepmum and will continue to do so. My mother in law was much more of a mother to me than ever my own mum was and it's a huge shame she died so early and I never knew her for very long. Turn to those who do care about you. Good luck!

[Hidden]

Oh just looked back at your posts and you mention you believe your mum is a narcissit - that says it all. Mine was too, it's weird how similar their behaviour is.

[anonww9 in reply to Hidden]

yeah she's a narcissist, I agree with what you said; my mother in law is becoming much more a mother. but my mum is making me pay for my own bras so I'm just gonna get them from somewhere cheap because I refuse to pay 20 odd on a bra

[Lbk64 in reply to Hidden]

I'm sad for both of you. I divorced my oldest daughter's father when she was very young. He paid a small amount of child support and times were sometimes tough but she never went without anything. When I remarried and had another 2 children, her father stopped paying child support as he claimed he was broke, not broke enough to stop gambling but that's another story. Anyway, my new husband always supported my daughter and still does, even though she isn't biologically his. I will never understand a parent not looking after their child's needs but then being a narcissist possibly explains this. I wish you both well.

[Lbk64]

My thoughts are that if your mum receives child support for you then it should be used for your upkeep, be it clothes, education and food etc. That is what child support is for. Until you are working and earning your own money, I don't see a problem with you asking your mum to spend a little something on you and purchase some new bras. You're being very sensible wanting functional bras.

[anonww9 in reply to Lbk64]

I know, it is ridiculous tbh but that's her behaviour unfortunately, like I said I'm just going to get some cheap ones. I asked if she could maybe pay me back but she was about to start an argument so I said nevermind- she got her own way.

[Lbk64 in reply to anonww9]

That's just so sad. :/

[anonww9 in reply to Lbk64]

It is sad, but I feel like I do have an upper-hand because of my age. Although a lot of damage has been done, I have plenty of time to recover (I'm being positive because she's not at home and I've just been talking to a friend about moving out, I'm not usually this upbeat) and I am aware of what she is doing when she is doing it. The only issue I still face is not standing up for myself, because I'm scared of the consequences and I'm still learning about the manipulation part as well

[Lbk64 in reply to anonww9]

My daughter suffered a lot of damage also thanks to her father and his new wife. The things I found out that they did after many years was heartbreaking. She has suffered from anxiety since she was about 8. She is 28 now and she knows it was caused by the way she was treated when she went there as a child. In the last couple of years she has really started to stand up to him and not allow him to treat her like he did when she was a child. I think she is very strong bit she doesn't see it in herself. Narcissists need a good hiding but I think it would only change things temporarily.

One day you will stand up to her and she won't know what happened. I hope that day is sooner rather than later for you.

[anonww9 in reply to Lbk64]

I am so sorry your daughter went through that, however you should be so proud that she is taking a stand because that is the hardest thing for children of abuse to do. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to hear people taking a stand, because we shouldn't let these people do such a thing.

Thank you, I hope so too

[Lbk64 in reply to anonww9]

Thank you, I am proud of her. I agree, parents are supposed to love their children. I love my children fiercely even though they are all adults now. I worry a lot, but that's my anxiety. They're all great people and I'm thankful I have them. I wish that for you with your mum but I know it may never happen. I wish you strength and a long happy and prosperous future.

[Hidden in reply to anonww9]

Thank goodness you have found out at an early age and hopefully your knowledge will help prevent further damage. All credit to you and keep checking in.

[Hidden]

Thanks both of you. Asking my mother for that first bra was such a humiliating experience that I didn't dare ask again and it does leave a legacy stretching into adulthood (I'm 55 now) whether it's ok to ask for things, and get your needs met, do often feel very ashamed asking for what most people take for granted. Even though I have often reminded my adult children that I love and support them and turn to us if you need help - I find it difficult to do the same myself, in fact very often it just doesn't occur to me, and can fuel my depression.

Sorry to hijack your post anonww9 as you can see this subject is still close to my heart and I feel for you, it's not really about the bra but a recognition of a young person's struggle to grow up and be independent and to have all the help that they need doing so. My mother hated teenagers because they represented a challenge to her and loss of control (young children being much easier to control) and weirdly said exactly the same thing about my own children (her grandchildren) when they were teens, that's how I knew for sure although always sensed it.

[anonww9 in reply to Hidden]

I relate to that so much, I remember being in the shop with my dad a couple of weeks ago and it took me so long to ask if I could get a bar of chocolate because of my experience with my mum. Something so simple, I wouldn't call it a need but I feel like it does fall under the same category.

My mum also dislikes that I'm growing up, I turn 18 next month and I expect that things will get much much worse because I will legally be an adult and she has no control over me really anymore- legally that is.

Don't apologise, I like hearing from people from the same boat it is such a relief

[Hidden in reply to anonww9]

Thanks, yes I found it a huge relief also to read about others who had gone through the same thing, although wouldn't want to wish on anyone!

So glad you have a model of "normality" from your dad and stepmum.

I could write a book about my hair and my mother's views on that, and that of my daughters. Unfortunately it doesn't stop with us but if not careful passed down to the next generation (the grandchildren) Anything that represents your growing individuality becomes a threat because the narcissist is unable to see you as a seperate person, but I'm sure you know all that, it just appears in the smallest of ways and catches you out!