I'm Struggling With Depressive Thoughts

Hi 🙈

I've never done this before but I hope it might help. I might have depression, which I'll be tested for in September.

The reason why I can't have an appointment now is because I don't want my parents to know as they don't react well to mental illnesses and they would judge me for it and I don't like people looking at me with pity as if I'm abnormal if they found out.

I've recently broken up with my boyfriend because if I did have depression it was a deal breaker for him and he was in love with someone else, it was just a very unhealthy relationship but I still miss him. To make matters worse, I spoke to my ex who I'm not over 😔

I've told my two closest friends about everything, but I feel so alone and I hate to call them and bother them with my burdens. I feel so alone and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I haven't been through anything especially traumatic as others have so I feel like I'm so pathetic for overreacting to a breakup and getting depressed but I've felt this way before my breakup as well.

I'm incredibly stressed about Result's Day as my family have incredibly high expectations for me that I feel I cannot live up to.

I've felt very suicidal again and I just can't cope anymore. I want to get better but I feel so low. I can't be bothered to do any work, I'm either crying on my own or angry for no good reason.

It's summer and I should be relaxing but I'm stuck at home with my poisonous thoughts and I'm scared I'm getting worse to the point of no return.

I also study psychology for A levels which makes me even more anxious about my symptoms and lately I haven't been eating because I've felt so insecure with my body and I've skipped meals in a day. I feel like I wasn't enough for my exes, and I have such a negative view of myself. I'm worried I'm thinking myself into depression but I just don't know what to do.

I've lost my purpose to life. I no longer find joy in things to live for and although I want to be a clinical psychologist, the future seems so lovely and bleak and full of hardships I don't know if I can handle anymore.

I'm scared of my own mind and I don't know how to escape this.

I'm so sorry for taking up so much of your time, thank you so much for even reading this if you have.

Saima xx

7 Replies

  • There is no "test for depression " but the definition requires a number of symptoms and behaviours that are persistent. Treatment at your age is not easy though, but healthy eating exercise, problem solving and counselling will be the way forward.

    Good luck

  • Hi well done for making an appointment at the doctors. If you are 16 or over you are probably considered an adult so your parents wouldn't find out unless you chose to tell them. Let us know how you get on. x

  • Hello saima , I hope you don't have depression but even if you have its not the end of the world. its pretty common and many of us live mainly happy and normal lives. Unfortunately lots, i would say possibly the majority ,of people do not react well to mental illness so as far as you my advice is to keep your feelings to yourself as much as possible except obviously any medical people you see who will respect your confidences and anonymous forums such as this. One of the catch 22 problems of depression is that it relieves stress and helps most of us to talk through our problems but letting other people know raises a whole new raft of problems so my belief is that you should discuss it with the minimum number of people . If possible these should be people who's wisdom you respect and who can keep a secret. Make sure they know you'd like them to keep it confidential.

    A break up of a relationship is stressful at any age and exams are also stressful so its hardly surprising you are feeling the strain. Whatever your parents expectations the most important thing is that you set your own targets and hopefully meet your own expectations. You will not get worse to the point of no return and the depression ,if thats what you have ,will eventually vanish,and joy will come back into your life. Medical help will make this happen more quickly and your GP should be able to advise on the help you need. It is important that you keep healthy eating and sleeping habits so try not to skip meals.

    A little introspection is a good thing but too much is pretty corrosive so just try and live life as normally as possible and don't analyse your thoughts and actions too much. Its pretty unproductive anyway and usually means going through the same loop again and again.

    No one knows how to escape this ,but we all do eventually , and the biggest and nicest surprise is still to come for you in that you will discover just how resilient you and most humans are. If you have depression you are in for a few unhappy weeks maybe even months , but it will end and you will still be you when it does.

    Your test in September should help as you should regard it as part of your plan of action. Nearly all of us react badly to uncertainty and feeling things are beyond our control and knowing where you stand will do a lot to remove those feelings.

    Most of us on this forum have been through most of what you describe so use the forum for advice and as a sounding board. Its really what we're here for.


  • Take care as the other have said !

  • All I can say is welcome to the club. This damn club of sadness, uncertainty, insecurity and fear. Your mind tricks you into thinking you're worthless and empty....that you will never succeed in anything and will never find anyone who could/would love you for who you are. This bombshell of negativity can be destructive indeed. I'm not one to lecture anyone or give advice as I myself am struggling with all the things mentioned above. I'm 28 and I'm the most insecure guy in the family and amongst friends, and feel like a failure every day, because I know for a fact that my family is disappointed in me becasue I never achieved anything in life and have been lazily unemployed for 15 months. But this isn't about my grave issues in life, it's about yours, and the reason I wrote about them is to make you realize that we're all struggling with this kinda crap. How we handle it is all that matters. Now I know it is easier said than done but try not to listen to all the negative nags your mind makes. Because eventually it will be its habits to exaggerate your failures and make you doubt or hate yourself for no logical reasons. Hang in there and seek therapy. It seems you're young and believe me when I tell you that as you grow older, it will be easier to tolerate or accept certain things and you will be ok with yourself and who you are. It's just that emotional pain that you have to manage and handle which will also be easier to do when you're older. Just dont give up on yourself just yet. And suicidal thoughts always come and go for most of us when we feel most weak, dont focus too much on those. Good luck sweetheart. We all feel for your pain.

  • Hi Saima,

    It sounds like a lot of things are happening all at once. Awaiting results is a really stressful time in your life, so make sure you give yourself credit for all of the hard work you have done to get to this point.

    You haven't got long to wait now and then you'll know. The uncertainty won't be there anymore. Plus if you are thinking of going into psychology you will be able to empathise with your patients, and that is a good thing.

    If the boy you broke up with couldn't handle you at your worstthen he doesn't deserve you at your best. It sucks that you miss your ex. It sounds like your brain is trying to give you reasons to be anxious at the moment.

    When mine does that I remember that my thoughts are not 100% truths. You can decide whether it is helpful or not. Trust me, my brain tried to trick me and hurt me all of the time. I've found that asking whether that thought is helpful helps me to separate myself from them though.

    Good luck for results day.


  • For a start anyone who has the view that depression is abnormal are very ignorant the term mental illness means just that, if you had cancer would your parents react in the same way, because they are both illnesses only difference is depression will not kill you. The trouble today is and one of the reasons why depression is at an extremely high level is the pressure put on people, so many very young people like yourself have all these things going on at once so it is very normal to feel stressed and depression usually follows. You need to chill out and not worry about things so much what will be will be, tell your parents to lay off you and encourage you but not pressure you that way you are more likey to function better. Take one day at a time and do not think too much you will be fine.

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