I'm so crippled with depression right now, that the only way I can allow myself to go on breathing, is by making a deal with myself.
In 2 years time I shall kill myself.
The results of my research indicate my depression should get better, my brain saying there is no other way forward is typical.
So I don't trust it at all; no sir! No way, no how.
In so many blogs people who have survived suicide attempts go on to say that tumors were later discovered; cancer; and other physical issues.
My theory is something is badly whacked inside me.
My visits to various GP's over the last 7 years has been futile; they tell me it's menopause; lose weight, you're depressed.
Anti depressants haven't helped, and while big pharma have tried to sink their teeth into me, I've managed to see I'm just a cash cow to them.
The diagnosis of a hypothyroidism briefly seemed to be the answer to my prayers , but the treatment has made me worse, & opened a whole new can of worms.
So, I've decided to welcome the heart palpitations with an Internal whispered instruction- " Go on ... Stop beating ! Do it!"
I'm disappointed when it doesn't.
I've studied the symptoms of a stroke, so that I know not to seek treatment when/if it strikes.. Those first minutes are vital.
What's the point, when there's a 75% chance of another within the next few months?
I'm comfortable that my God is merciful, and the afterlife is the real life.. It's ok, & forgiveness only has to be asked for.
As long as we are puppets to our hormones, our upbringing.. Social conditioning, how can we be guilty?
Our food and water is poisoned, our fillings even more so.. The scented candles we burn are even killing us.
So I think it's fair enough to make deal with myself, and wait , and see what happens first. Might not have to do it myself after all.
( according to YouTube the world is going to end soon anyway! )
I'm sorry if I've depressed anyone, but I can't tell anyone about this, so this is me just whispering to a stranger.
Good night and Godbless !