Caught up on the health blog this morning then got ready to take the girls to see Wales football team homecoming on the tourbus. Got an awesome view right on the junction but I feared and knew what was coming. An hour into waiting came the tremors and butterfly feelings though I coped considerably well with them the ultimate thought that brought them on was my ex passing in the car. Woah and behold he came by, beeped to the players and parked up. As we made our way back to our car we were on opposite sides of the road. What would become, what now. He walked over nervously and that's when my tremors, shakes became feelings of sickness and dizziness. I wanted to collapse into an emotional heap on the floor. He spoke well with the girls but you could sense the uneasy feeling as we did not speak whatsoever. Just wanting to touch his skin, maybe ask for that chance I so wish for but it didn't feel right. I only just made it back to the car the tears were burning through it felt like candle wax not tears. Arriving home I had to make a dash for upstairs to hide within the covers and that is precisely when the tears hit. I cried and cried and sobbed so much, that moment of seeing him totally destroyed me completely. I've emailed the Samaritans as it put me into that suicidal state again where I feel a life without him isn't an option. I miss him so much it pains me to see him. After a good sob I decided and felt urged to get out regardless of how nightfall was fast approaching. We took a drive to walk along the seafront. The waves smashing against the seafront the darkness surrounding us was giving of such calm feelings. Though I also had feelings of descending myself into the cold waters not that I would feel the coldness of the sea as all I currently feel is numbness through all of this devastation. I looked out to the sea and thought that this strong forceful creature could really have me right now, I'd be free of all this hurt, pain and heartache. Then that slight sensible part creeps by to remind me of a life without the girls and there devastation over the loss of there mum. I rightly deserve to feel some sorrow and pain as I feel a big part of all this hurt was through my lack of understanding his needs and for that I can only be sorry. Though sorry will never be enough the hurt and pain has been done now.
Ever so long post but I feel it somewhat helps to release my feelings on here