Update, struggling to cope

Why is it I had a fantastic stronger day today, yet come night time I was totally emotional and upset. I know it's early days and time is a healer but my ex is constant texting the girls we had and even the texts now are pushing me to the emotional point. It's like he's saying dadda is here, how are you, I'm missing you. Well they are not fine they are going through this too and due to your leaving and lack of communication we are all hurting. It's makes my blood boil how men want to share all things great like the home, children and you build such a life then when you get low you let the illness control you without reasoning through the tough times and pack up your bags and leave. Sorry to all those good men out there, but I put my life soul and energy into what we had for the last 23 years for it to be dissolved at the click of his fingers. I reiterate I'm no angel but I drained myself to mend what I thought was my everything.

7 Replies

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  • Hi, I know exactly how you feel. I was married for nine years and most of those were great. We stuck together through the emotional turmoil of going through IVF after we first married and it didn't work. We sank our energies into our sport and I helped my ex get to be part of the GB para team in London 2012. I was lucky to experience this with him as I was asked to join the sporting staff. I then got ill and it took over a year of tests and getting worse before Something snapped. I had to give up work because I couldn't cope.I was trying to get better, seek the right help. It was a mess, he started keeping secrets, going out in the evening's which he never did. Next thing I know I am asking him if he will go to counselling to save our marriage, while I am getting my medication sorted out. He chose to move in with a woman who had just left her husband cause her marriage had broken up. Such a mess.

    Anyway, I also found the night's the toughest. I put it down to the fact that in the evening's I was winding do and I had more time to mull things over. In the end I had to set up a nightly routine so I could relax without getting all upset. Did my card making and read books, lots of books. Some nights I did the ironing or cleaned the bathroom. I did relaxation exercises and some courses on future learn.com.

    Things that I can suggest you try is to set up a nightly routine. This could include not checking your phone after a certain time at night. Doing a relaxation exercise or mediation before you go to bed. Reading a book and having a nice soothing no caffeinated drink. Going to bed at a certain time. Keeping a note of the things you are grateful from for that day. Having a few positive affirmation you can say if you are feeling down. Something like. "I am better off without him", "Each day I am taking steps to improve my health", etc.

    If it is the text messages from your ex that are triggering your emotions, then ask that he doesn't contact after a certain time. If he continues to do, then don't read the texts until the next morning.

    You will get there, take it one day and one evening at a time.

    Hope this has helped you and given you some ideas.

    Take care

  • Morning 20voices

    Thankyou for the reply I am your wavelength but I'm finding it so difficult to put into practice and I feel as if there is no getting away from it all. I'm quite clued up as to what to do and I'm aware it will get easier but I want it to stop. I'm trying to fill my days and relax in the evening but it's my evenings that are hardest and I don't always want to do anything then coz I'm exhausted. Crying does help but I'm slightly fed up of crying as I'm waking from dreams crying, first thing in the morning crying. I'm also avoiding diazepam which I was given to take as a relaxant. I will take on board though what you done and try to incoperate some of this into my evening routine. I just want it all to stop the pain, hurt and upset.

    Thankyou x

  • Hi,

    I was given diazepam as well to help me sleep. I like you avoided it because I didn't want to take it, but I got so tired and the more tired I got the more out of control my emotions got.

    I then took it for a couple of nights and found because it allowed me to catch up on some much needed sleep that I felt more alert and my emotions became more under control and I was them able to implement all the things I had learned.

    One other suggestion I have is why not try a deep muscles relaxation tape. I have one that I use from time to time. I have never heard the end of the recording because when I start the exercise and follow the instructions I all asleep. :-D

    Took me a few goes to find one that works and I had to wear soft headphones because it annoyed my partner, but it was great. I had one tape that nearly had me throwing my tape recorder out the window because the poor man on the tape sounds so board. :-D

    I have been know on occasion to declare to my Mum I just want it to stop I've had enough hurt. She'd give me a hug and I'd feel better for a little while.

    So I am sending you a very very big hug through the ether.

    To get the most of that hug you have to take a deep breath, breathing in deeply, close your eyes and as you breath out imagine being hugged and feel the support of that hug. :-D

    Take care and if you want to can PM me if you want to talk. :-D

  • Thankyou 20voices for your comforting replies. I've just been putting washing out and pottering about, shortly I will be taking the girls to see the Wales tourbus as they are home from the euro 2016 game, though football isn't my thing it's a few hours out. I may just take half of diazepam tonight and see if that helps me relax slightly and get some much needed rest. It's myself tormenting myself with the why didn't we, what if this, we promised to communicate and failed and if only we could rewind and put right but I suppose we realise all this when it is too late. But thankyou for the reply they are an enormous help to me. I got counselling on Monday so hopefully that should help too. 😀

  • The trouble with sleeping tablets they are only a pancia for short periods of time as if you take them over an extended period they make you reliant on them and they end up not working properly.

    Relaxation techniques can really help when we are stressed, I went through two different types and they do work. When you get practiced sometimes you can actually control palpitations and even reduce your blood pressure

    The two types I was taught was the Maxwell Technique, the Alexander Technique and the newer one is Wellness.

    Sad I know little of the latter, although the other two I use when in Chronic Pain to get to sleep and it seems to work.

    There are several tapes that the GP will most probably have access to, if not the CPN may also have tapes, The CPN were using the Maxwell Technique with me, then they changed to the Alexander Technique

    Give it a try it may reduce your medications and hopefully calm your days.

    All the best

    BOB

  • Hi Bob

    Thankyou for the info on pills, I've had 10 diazepam since Wednesday of last week I'm really reluctant to take them. But my body is tired both physically and mentally. I will only take one or half as a desperate measure. I do take music to bed with me to cope in these awful times but every song seems to somehow remind me of the whole situation.

    All the best Bob

  • Hi bob i just realised you had become a admin well done a level head at last ! David

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