Another argument

[Iluvhorses]

Due to anxiety i don't usually make eye contact when talking to people especially my Dad when we are arguing. He considers it rude. After awhile of listening to his comments this time, I snapped at him saying that I am trying to leave. He said I had no right to talk to him that way after all he's done for me. He gets mad at me for coming home late all the time and I know he has a point, but the truth is I don't like being home.

[Hidden]

He just won't get off your back will he? Listen, I'm getting a little worried about you because this situation seems to be escalating. Can you go some where for a week or two? I think you need a break from each other. Some colleges rent rooms during the summer. Why don't you call your college and tell them you have an emergency situation and see what they can do for you. Try the woman's shelter if you need to, but I am telling you to GET OUT NOW Do not wait another another day . Try a pastor, you don't need to be a church member for them to help you.You must leave. Pam

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. I'm looking into low-income housing because I refuse to stay here another year. I do like the idea of a shelter. Thanks :). You've been upset in some of your recent posts. Do you want to talk?

[Hidden in reply to Iluvhorses]

At the moment I am worried about this forum changing. It has been a lifeline for me and I've gotten wonderful advice and support. I don't want to lose that but it seems like I might. My issues with my husband are still here, but He wants to work on things so I'm willing to try but very skeptical. I t is a sad time for me but I still have moments of hilarity.Thank you for asking, Pam

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

I want to move out, but I might just wait until he's at work before leaving because I don't want a fight if you know what I mean. I'm sorry about your marriage problems, but it's good to hear that he wants to try and keep your relationship alive.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi Pam you are not going to lose this site at all so get that idea out of your head please. We are all still here and refuse to let you go! Ok? Bev x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Ah, relief,thank you.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

You are very welcome love. Bev x

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hello Pam

We are always around and I am not going anywhere as I have just got back nearly and no have nowhere to go, So it is always best foot forward and do not get discouraged. Life is hard the other pathway is always harder

BOBx

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you, Bob. I am always worried about hurting someone's feelings and speaking my mind. I try to go for the greater good, but I rely on others to set me straight when I get it wrong. You're good at that lol , Pam

[buddy7511]

Dear Mbvu, the fact that we are all on this site says a lot about our inner self. As a father myself it is difficult to accept if our children that we love and raised have any flaws. Parents see themselves in our children, weak or strong reflects how we did as a parent. Your dad maybe feels guilty about your anxiety. He feels he failed raising you to be strong and confident. You should try and understand that he may not be a good dad afterall. He wants to feel proud of you. This reflects his accomplishment. I don't know the true relationship between you two , but dads love it when our children show strength and confidence. Why don't you start by picking one thing about you that your proud of and know it's due to your dad's way of raising you. Thank him for this, this will make him feel proud. Remember we want our children strong and confident. Everybody needs reassurance that we are doing a good job. Without all the facts about your relationship it doesn't matter because throughout life you will deal with all types of people. We were all born with two fears only. Falling and loud noises . yes , true. The others we bring on ourselfs. You can help each other at the same time feel good about your accomplishment. I hope this helps. Stay well and be proud.

[Hidden]

When you look into the eyes of the correspondent it means you are not being subservient to that person, if you look away some people feel it is a sign you are giving into that persons point of view. You are standing up to the other person.

BOB

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

So what are you saying?

[Hidden in reply to Iluvhorses]

Depending on your background is depending on how some parents take eye contact!but in all fairness I prefer eye contact unless I genuinely know the other person's beliefs or that they do not like eye contact,, I really find it strange that some people think it's confrontational, it's almost like a Control thing to expect someone not to have eye contact. I have said I prefer the contact as I can normally understand what's really going on in the other person,s mind,ie at they in a good mood or are they going to attack me? I am not very good at explaining things so I hope you understand what I am trying to say! Main thing is don't let anyone bully you father or not! I welcome my kids to tell me when they think I am wrong as long as they tell me why! I was never afraid of my Mother ( was petrified of my step dad ,) my father is all mouth and trousers!lol my kids are like me in many ways not afraid of anyone but treat others with Respect until the other person does something to lose the respect!

Honestly never be afraid to say what you feel because if you feel afraid then you are with the wrong people parents siblings or not! Sounds to me like you need to get some space away from your situation,it may help your relationship with your father. I don't really know what more I can say. Just take care!

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

I moved out

[Hidden in reply to Iluvhorses]

Good on you mbvu,having your own space can help mend damaged relationships whether friends or family! It can also help build self confidence and repair any damaged parts of ourselves. I live alone now and although I do sometimes feel lonely, I am happy I think? My two pals Rosie the Rossaela and Blueboy the Bourke's parrot are all the company I need! Lol .Am happy for you! Good luck

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

Well I actually moved into a homeless shelter. I'm trying to find a job or two while going to school full time. That way I can eventually afford my own place. I'm 23 and in college by the way.

[Hidden in reply to Iluvhorses]

I really do wish you luck! Your Dad will realise eventually that you can not rule a home with fear! I would hate to have any of my grown up children to have ever feared me, I hope they know that no matter what I am there for them (, I think they know that already) I hope you're Dad will come to his sense's soon,there is nothing worse for a Father or Mother to find that their actions have made their child be in fear of them! I am in my fifties and of course I also made mistakes with my Children but they are never afraid of me! Have you tried sitting with your Dad and telling him how afraid he makes you feel? I am sure he doesn't realise that, you take care and please let me and everyone else know how you are getting on! And if any of us can help in anyway

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

We've had a family counselling session with a social worker. She was concerned because my Dad wasn't willing to change. He even got mad when questioned. I told him that I didn't feel free to be myself at home. That session went nowhere when it came to him changing.

[Hidden in reply to Iluvhorses]

Change is difficult at the best of times, and to be fair on your Dad,being Vietnamese coming to Britain is back of a big change for him,specially if he came over during the times of the troubles there! But again it doesn't excuse his unwillingness to try!

I had a complete breakdown and for over a year I didn't know who I was or where I came from spent a little while in hospital but have never recovered my full memories of the time prior to my breakdown! All I know is my Family and friends are there for me,Even though I keep them at arms length. Ask me my Children's names and I have to look in a diary I carry with me at all times! Yet I can recognise them straight away? I get flashback's of things that could be memories or just even something that I may have read or seen, it's difficult!

Now just think about your Dad Vietnam from what I gather was in turmoil ( going by your age your Dad went through some terrible times if he was still in Vietnam at the time) many Vietnamese men women and children left ,leaving all their possessions family and friends behind,not all were welcomed in the countries they settled in, but Most became business men and women or just very hard worker's trying to interact and become just like everyone else!

Sadly many have been and are still going through mental anguish,thinking about family and friends left behind,and it is their spouses and children who suffer! This can be due to"the old values" or guilt, I would find it difficult to think in your Dad's case that It's just to be difficult? I am sorry to say that not knowing all the circumstances ( remember two sides to every story) perhaps you could try to meet your Dad in a place you know that he feels safe and you feel safe and try to sound him Out? Whatever you do,decide to do,try not to exclude him! As that will hurt more than you can imagine! All the best Derek

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. We are actually in America and both of his parents along with all of his siblings came at the same time. They did have to leave their live-in Nanny to whom they were very close. He had his chance to speak during our therapy session, but he didn't. I'm not going to cut him off, but I'm not going to talk to him for a little while since I moved out.

[Hidden in reply to Iluvhorses]

perhaps he felt he could nottalk in front of you? or even in front of the counsellor? I am not trying to make excuses for him just trying to see things from both sides, that was the reason for my suggesting a place that is comfortable for both of you to sit and talk! I do think that talking helps, Perhaps you could invite him for coffee or something at least then he will know that you want to still be part of his life and that you are open to discuss things with him! at the moment he may be angry or hurting but with you offering the olive branch so to speak ,it may make him happier or help him understand he has not lost his little girl! I know if it hapened to me I would do my utmost to rectify any bad feeling with any of my children ! again Good Luck Try to remember your Dad has had to adapt to a different culture to what he started out in, and it will be difficult for him no matter how long he has been in the USA ,he also has to try to understand a Daughter just over her teen years !( I know how difficultthat is! I still don't understand my Daughters LOL)

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

He's narcissistic-like. He hasn't been diagnosed and this disorder is rarely identified because people affected rarely seek help. Trust me when I say nothing that I do will work because these people are impossible to live with without many conflicts.

[Hidden]

What planet is your dad from? I was brought up that when talking to someone eye contact is important as it is in good society polite to make eye contact! Unless of course your father has been brought up in one of the Asian,or Arabic countries as eye contact between male and female is frowned upon! Some African Countries eye contact is regarded as a challenge ( found that one out the hard way)

[Iluvhorses in reply to Hidden]

My Dad considers it rude to not make eye contact with people. I just don't make eye contact with him when we're arguing because his temper is literally scary. I can't describe it, but there's something about his temper that frightens me. He's Vietnamese by the way.