i feel completely heart broken and lost. I had been with my partner for just over a year and a half. The beginning i believed to be good, i had no doubts. A couple of months in, his ex turned around and said she had slept with him behind my back, which he denied and put it down to her being sour. At the time i decided to accept that. He has a big past he has slept with over 80 women and he is 26 years old, where as i am only 21 and my past is very tame. At the beginning he used to talk about his past a lot, which made me stupidly try and be on his level and lie about mine making out i had slept with more than i had, because it made me feel insecure that i had not slept with many people at all. i felt guilty about lying and eventually came clean about it and explained that him speaking about his past sort of made it seem like a competition and made me feel pretty low, so he stopped. However, about 10 months into our relationship, my mumand dad split up, my mum left my dad for another man and it broke my heart. i was a mess.
From this kind of point, i started bringing up things from the past to my boyfriend. i would ask him about the encounters he had had before, to expand on them, like i needed to know who he had been with, when he had been with them, if they were better than me etc. my self esteem was terrible. i was adamant that he might be hiding something, and i later on found that he had spoken to a random girl who had seen him on a night out at the start of our relationship saying she was "fit" and wanted to meet up with her, and i also found out he had been speaking to one of his exs who he has a lot of history with when he completely denied that he had ever spoken to her whilst being together. i was heart broken that he had lied to me. But since then, i have been so wary. it made me ask more questions incase there was other girls i didnt know about that he had spoke to or been innapropriate with, leading to really having retroactive jealousy. it really put me down a lot. Sometimes he would understand but more often than not he got angry and would make comments like "your tapped in the head" or "your a psycho" but i was genuinely suffering. I tried to get better with it, but its hard when i just cant help but be wary about other girls with him now, i guess because the trust was broken.
But in my last post, i said how we had split up for the first time a few weeks back, and less than a day later he messaged 2 girls who he knew i was insecure about, being quite flirty which really hurt me. he was adamant he was sorry and only spoke to them because he wanted to take his mind off me because he was upset. he begged and begged for me to give him another chance, saying "let me prove to you that i love you and that its a mistake to give up" i felt like for my own peace of mind i needed to give this another go.
So here i am, 2 weeks later. He said he would be more understanding about asking about things from his past which were within reason, but he wasnt really. he flipped out over the most minor questions and instead of answering me properly sometimes he would drag it out and ignore the question and just have a go at me which would make me so anxious and hurt. He said he wouldnt do anything to hurt me, yet he put me on loud speaker in his car infront of his friends when i rung him upset because of my anxiety and depression which was worse as we had argued, laughing at me ridiculing me on the phone giving me all sorts of abuse. He then the next day lied and denied that he was in his car infront of his friends really and that i was on loudspeaker in his room on his own, - i know he was lying because i could hear myself on his car speakers, so even though i know this 100% he continues to deny it and make me feel like i am mad. And then me being me i wanted to work it out and he told me he would ring me the night after to try and sort something out, i waited all night. instead, he hurt me by going into town on a massive night out and didnt get home until 6 the next morning. this hurt because in our relationship, i was insecure of him going to town because he used to go there when he was single basically to hook up with girls every night, and he said to me near the start that "i wouldnt ever stay in town past midnight because your only there for one reason otherwise" - yet he was there till past 5. So he decided to hurt me by doing that and then when i asked him where he had been, he kept changing his story. why is there need to lie about where you have been? this just tipped me over the edge and made me feel even more miserable. i confronted him that he told me two different stories and he tried to make me feel mad again and refused that he had said what he had to me.
i am just so hurt because i love him so much it hurts, so why would he do these things to me? i get to some people it might not be that big, but him lying about things i know are true make me think, well what else could he lie about?
So i decided to try and break up with him, and he is filling my head with things saying i am the one who has ruined this relationship and he has done nothing wrong it makes me feel so horrible because it makes me think, is it me? Am i to blame for this? cause in my head all i can see is that i loved him and i tried to get over my insecurities but it was hard, so i tried to ask him and open up. he brings up when i lied at the start about sleeping with more people than i have saying "well you lied to me so im not innocent" but i feel like what i lied about was a self esteem thing, not maliciously intending to hurt him or hide something bad i just need advice and help because i feel so hopeless and hurt right now. i feel like i love him so much and the thought of him moving on and being happy with someone else and living the life i dreamed of with him getting married, having children etc kills me. what if he finds someone and treats them the way i wanted him to treat me and not lie or hurt them