Please read. I'm losy

I'm new to this and don't really know where to start. My heart is breaking my head so sore. I am a mum 2 beautiful perfect kids and gf to the most wonderful person I have ever met. And I'm going to lose it all. I don't know who I am anymore and I don't know what normal is ? Well I'm not sure if I do someone please tell me what normal is ??? Racing thoughts from absolute happiness to the worst depression ever within the space of hours. Loving and hating the person who means the most to you. Wishing it was all over. Looking at the clock to hope that it's bedtime to stop pain. I am on medication for depression 45mg martizipne or whatever is called. I never really believed depression was a real thing because I've always felt this way as long as I can remember but since the birth of my daughter I've never recovered. I was very ill during the pregnancy and lost 2stone through sickness. I was ill everyday for 8 1/2 months. I don't know how I surbived it. But I do because some days I feel strong only for minutes sometimes hours. But it only takes a small thing to send me into the deep racing thoughts and depression. I have made an appointment for doc for weds. I was only at her last Thursday. I feel like she won't listen to me and does not know me from Adam. She sees me for 8mins if I'm licks every 4 weeks.

Please anyone tell me what's wrong with me. I'm empty and lost. I don't want to be bi polar. I don't want my fily to suffer . If you have read this far, Thank you. And please any response would be appricated

18 Replies

  • Hi I am sorry you are going through all this. Have you been diagnosed with post natal depression? I am not sure exactly what you are saying as you also state you don't want to be bi polar? Do you have a firm diagnosis?

    You don't to see a doctor you don't like if you are at a surgery with several more so see if you can have an appointment with someone who will listen to you. It also sounds like the mirtazapine isn't really helping so maybe you need to discuss new meds when you go.

    Can you clarify what you mean by the use and context of the words 'licks', 'losy' (lost?) and 'fily' please as I'm not quite sure what you are saying? x

  • Hi you can suffer from post natal depression for a long time afterwards and it has nothing to do with the love for your children.

    Lori has said it all really and I totally agree with her. You will get better but it will take time so have hope for the future. x

  • Thank you xxx

  • Hi Caz, welcome to the group. I'm new here too, but I can tell you that you done the right thing by reaching out here.

    How long ago did you have your daughter? Were you diagnosed with post-natal depression? What makes you think you are going to lose it all?

    I can tell you now, that I have been where you are where you can't tell what's normal. I felt like I couldn't trust my own mind, that I was acting abnormally and everyone would be able to tell. I was in so much mental pain that I could barely stand to be myself, and struggled from second to second. Baring in mind that this only happened to me in February.

    It's important to note that you don't have to be bi-polar to experience highs and lows when depressed. If that was part of your diagnosis then that's okay. You can get through it.

    I can tell that your mind is racing from the way you've written your post. To help ease this I would recommend (based on my own experience), having a go at some mindfulness techniques. If you go on YouTube there and search for mindfulness with music they will help to bring you into this moment.

    In this very literal moment no one is trying to hurt you, you are safe, you will get better with time. Thoughts are mearly a chemical reaction in the brain, give them less power. Thank your mind for each thought and brush it away. Only respond to thoughts that you think are helpful.

    Most importantly, be kind to yourself. You have sought help, you have already taken steps towards your recovery. I've used every single resource that has been sent my way: GP, Crisis Team, Counsellor, husband and family, and soon a psychologist. If your GP is any good they will offer you help if you ask for it.

    Let me know how you get on Caz.



  • Aww Lori thanks for the reply. You are the first person I have ever spoke to who has an idea of where I am. I'm so scared. I'm in bits and I'm so lost. My daughter was one in May but I was diagnosed with depression in jan of this year. I've been through so much in the last year. I feel out with family quit my job and lost all direction. I don't know why I'm here anymore. Xxx

  • Well Caz, we have lots in common because I too had to quit my job in April.

    I don't have children myself, but I imagine you could still be suffering from post natal depression. The fact that your partner and children are keeping you alive is called a proctective factor. Hold on to that.

    What else have you been through in the last year? You can read my post if you like to learn a bit more about me. It must have been really hard falling out with your family. Do you want to talk about that? You can always use vague generalisations if you don't want to share too much information.

    It's no surprise that you feel you've lost all direction. I'm working through that myself, although I am doing a lot better than I was. Do me a favour before you reply.

    Go and make your bed (if you haven't already- I'm awful for not doing it). Light a nice candle if you can. If your partner is there get them to look after the kids for 30 minutes and go into your bedroom. You can listen to this guy, his voice sounds a bit weird but you settle in to it.

    It should help to calm you down a bit. Then reply.

    Be kind to yourself.


  • Caz, you need to try and calm down.

    I know what you mean, I am going through the process of building myself in to the person I want to be. You can do that too.

    On the plus side it sounds like you are trying to take proactive steps towards your future, but now is definitely not the time to be making decisions. I wanted to quit my job in December but listened to my family and waited until I knew I wasn't just reacting. That it really was the right choice for me.

    When I was prescribed certraline it definitely didn't agree with me. It made me irrationally angry, have giggle fits for no reason and more suicidal than I'd been before I started taking it. It could be the medication. That being said, I don't know enough about bi-polar to offer any meaningful help.

    You need to break things down into smaller chunks. You are someone, you are not invisible. You only have to get through today and tomorrow before you see your doctor. What are your plans for those days?

    Watch that video, it'll help you calm down.


  • Hi there and welcome. That must be hard to feel awful when you have two small children.

    You talk about Bi Polar, but can I ask if you have been diagnosed by your Dr. As Bi Polar? You mention being on Mitrazapine, are you on a Mood Stabilizer as well? As usually you are if Bi Polar. Now you need to stress to your Dr. How you feel and tell her everything you have said here. if your not happy with your Dr. Why not ask to see another Dr. ? I personally cannot understand people putting up with a a Dr. That they feel won't listen to you.

    Let us know how you get on on Thurs, also Antidepressnats take a good few weeks to work. Usually you won't feel better for about 2- 3 weeks so you must be patient, Good luck on Thursday anyway.

    Also you have t mentioned when all this started , was it recent? Or did anything trigger it. It's always hard to advise when you don't know a full background

    You have taken the first step by posting and that's a good start.


  • Thank you for the reply.

    I went to see the doc in jan this year and I started on fluxetine right up to the highest does and it wasn't working Then changed to 15 to 30 to 45 martizpine. I thought hey we're working but feel like my moods are everywhere. All the time. I'm a ticking bomb. One min I'm as happy as a kite sometime for hours Mandy days then I come crashing down. Everything is black and white. I'm lost. I don't know who I am or what I'm doing . I have quit my job Reyes to get loans from banks to open my own store applied for college booked a holiday. I can never just have mormal. I need to be doing something and it making me ill. Am I crazy ????

  • I've not been diagnosed yet but the more I read about it the more I can relate. I stared on fluxetine they never workd on to martizpine and I still don't feel like they are working. I've been depressed for 6months now it won't leave me. Inbetween all of this k have moments of happiness but come down with a crash xxx

  • Hi,

    I have bipolar. The way you talk about borrowing money to start a new venture and applying to college and then not going does sound pretty typical of bipolar but there are some people that don't know but then who react to antidepressants with a bipolar type of swing. That was how I was diagnosed in the beginning. It does sound as though you are what they call 'rapid cycling', that is going from one to the other in a short space of time. Don't forget that I am just telling you of my experience and that you need to get your own diagnosis though.

    I don't know if your doctors is a group practice so you could see another GP or if not ask for a referral to a psychiatric team for assessment. If your doctor won't do this you could always try going to A&E and telling them how bad you feel. They might help you to get a referral.

    Good luck and hang on in there but make sure that you do something about it.


  • Thank you for your reply. Please tell me more about how you feel. This sadness never leaves me. I would say my wood swig just now are weekly. High for a day or 2 and then come crashing down. I've never noticed it before but when I try to think back on my behaviour o can see a pattern. I've packed my partner bags last night and k don't know why. I'm a mess.

    I just want to know if I'm not well or just a bad person

  • Caz you seem very mixed up and I really think you need to hold off on making any decisions such as Taking out a Loan, or opening a baby shop. This would put you in a much worse situation. Now you seem to haveself diagnosed that you are BiPolar, so I really think you need to tell the Dr. Everything and I mean everything. About quitting your job, about thinking of taking out a loan, about wanting to start a shop in your present state. You sound very unwell and a Dr. Will ask you lots of questions before they diagnose you as BiPolar, as it's a different kind of diagnosis. So it's vital you tell the Dr. Everything , otherwise you won't get the help you need.

    Try and do calming things until you see your Dr. And please don't make any decisions until you are feeling much better.

    What did you work at? And why did you give up job? Although working with two small children would be quite hard. Anyway Caz look after yourself.


  • Hi Caz,

    Welcome to the community. I know that when I joined I found it was like a double edged sword. It was good to have found somewhere that people understood how I felt and were keen to listen to my problems and offer me good advise. It was bad that I needed to look for this advise and I felt like I'd let everyone down by having to give up work and to be so much out of character.

    You've been given some really useful advise so far and everyone on here is willing to listen and share what works for them or what they've tried that might be of use to you.

    We are all individuals and what works for one person might not work for another person. Also I found I had problems will my medication when I started taking it. Then I was on medication that worked, but then stopped working so my GP upped to dosage.

    My GP has told me that if I need to I can ask for a double appointment, so if you feel that you need more time with your GP see if they provide that option. Also if you feel like your GP is not listening or you feel that you can't tell them everything it may be that you need to go to another GP. My practise has a few GPs in it and I know that personally there are some that I can't talk to as well as I do the GP who has been helping me through this rough time.

    Also don't be afraid to ask if you've had information on here and can't find it again. If you try a new technique and you are struggling with it, don't worry when your depressed and anxious your mind is working so hard that it's natural to feel tired and fuzzy minded. I was really forgetful last year and was apologising all the time.

    Also please don't be so hard on yourself. That was the great advise I got last year that helped me a lot and still is helping me, it's now my mantra. I say it countless times a day. :-D Some people are naturally tougher on themselves and if you are like that you need to think about what advise you'd give someone in your situation. You might not be able to do that right now, that is okay. Some of the courses I've done I had to do again because I was so tired I felt I had missed quite a lot. :-D

    This will take time, but you will get there.

    Take care and remember to look after yourself by ensuring your eating healthily and staying hydrated.

    If you feel lost please remember to come hear and talk to us, we offer a listening ear and useful tips. I've cried at many posts on here, but also feel good reading about peoples successes as well.

    Take care.


  • You poor girl, I really feel for you. When you see the GP on Wednesday insist she refers you to a professional pyschiastrist (not because you are mad) but you need professional help. I do not believe you are bipolar. You are suffering because of the birth and how ill you were. What you need now is support and medication to make you better. GP's are not qualified to help with something of this nature. Insist you get referred or see another GP as your happiness and children's welfare depend on your getting well again.

    Lori also had some good advice. Let me know how you get on, Helen xx

  • I managed to get an appointment with the doc today she has refers me to a phycatrist. My bread hurts

  • Hi Caz, that's really positive that you are going to get the help you need. How are you doing today?

  • Hi lori I'm doing ok. Been out and about and kept myself busy. Not feeling sad or happy today just normal. I think !! Until it comes back to me again. I am going to start a dairy I think. Just until I see the phycatrist nurse.

    How are you today ?

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