Shock

[darkshadow]

Hello, everyone. I've been away on a coach tour and it has done me the power of good except for one thing. I found out that the friend I went with does not think as I do about anxiety/depression.I did try to keep off the subject as much as I could but there were times when it came into the conversation. She said ,"Moaning about it doesn't do any good". I tried to explain that getting things off your chest does help and mentioned psychiatry. It was then that she snapped back at me in a loud voice,"I don't want to talk about it. There's a time and a place and this is not it." I kept my tears hidden as I gazed unseeingly through the coach window. It was a real shock to realise the depth of her ignorance and lack of compassion. I never saw this side of her until now although she was one of my bridesmaids 54 years ago.

[Stilltrying_]

This is really shocking and no wonder you are hurt by this behaviour. Some people can be like that; they just don't like the mention of it. I know someone like that although I only met up with her once because I found out her attitude on the first meeting. She said something like "No-one likes an unhappy person" or something stupid like that. She is a really irritating woman and in my mind seems to be trying too hard to make out how happy she is after her husbands death. Everything is wonderful according to her and there is no time for being down. Maybe your friend has her reasons but it's her problem and not yours. She is obviously not an empathic person so you may want to limit your friendship with her from now on.

Gemma xx

[darkshadow in reply to Stilltrying_]

That's the strange part, Gemma. She has always been a nice person to me

but she does seem to have some hangups which have made their first appearance on this tour. She's very conventional in her outlook on life and shuts her mind to anything which takes her out of her comfort zone.

[Hidden]

Hello

Sorry to here about what had happened on your Coach Holiday, I hope this outburst was the only one that had downed you.

Like you I am the nearer side of Senior and I remember our last holiday on tour, abroad, it was a long, tasking holiday, we were away for three weeks in the Far East, and China. By the end of the second week we had been on train for ten days and people where getting ratty with the heat and lack of oxygen, the whole tour started to bite at each other and the tour was becoming rather nasty, the company took us out for an afternoon dinner to calm everyone down.

What I am trying to say when on holiday people we know who are quite rational and really nice company can be a real pain in the behind after several days and they do snap back, possibly that is what happened.

Friends who would listen to your pain normally would prefer the subject go away at that time. I understand how you must have felt at the time and I agree your friend was not very sensitive. She was also watching the countryside go by,

I would imagine you would have been sharing a room, possibly and she may have felt she needed time out for a time.

Had you been on holiday together often over the years ?

Yes I can understand your pain regarding this outburst, I would hope you are still very old, good friends as the decades you have been together last for many more.

Let it go, you have been hurt, remember we all find ourselves in a place we would prefer not to go.

Go out together and have a couple of shorts together, just keep your own council about your depression, remember you can come on here and will always listen.

Keep a hold, forget the outburst

BOBx

[darkshadow in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply, Bob. That's why I have come back here so soon

after the tour. I know I will find true understanding here. That's what I so needed. We weren't sharing a room so that doesn't account for what she said to me. We have been on holiday together before but many years ago. I just feel that she may not want to go with me again. There were another couple of times when she snapped at me but we were not speaking about anything difficult at the time. I think age has changed her slightly. I think she is lucky as she still has her hubby with her. Mine died nearly 10 years ago. Now I know not to mention my mental issues to her again. I'm so lucky to have found this site.

[Hidden in reply to darkshadow]

Hello

It looks like she may need some of your understanding. As we get older we can have concerns, that happened with me about nine months ago and I needed some good support as I was becoming frightened with regard my health. She may need some medical support if she is heading down the road of a dementia or something similar.

I picked up, sorry if I am wrong Her husband is still alive, do you converse with Her man and try that tactful approach to find out if something is wrong. Many Women say men do not notice, this one does, that something is wrong with Hazel.

That is all I can suggest, use tact and understanding, good luck

BOB

[Olderal]

Some people don't want to talk about mental health issues possibly because of a deep rooted fear that they may be affected at some time in the future and some people in ignorance think that sufferers can pull themselves together and that is what they should do. They have no patience with sufferers.

Either way , or may be for some other reason your friend did n't want to talk about it which is her right. Maybe she suffers and keeps it to herself.

Perhaps a coach journey where conversations are not very private was not the time or place . Even if right she obviously did this very abruptly . I would give her the benefit of the doubt. It would be a shame to let this cloud such a long friendship and maybe you could discuss it with her in more private circumstances when you might find she had her reasons for stopping the conversation so abruptly.

Olderal.

[darkshadow]

Bob, she is as sharp as a tack--no sign of deteriorating mental powers. Re her husband--he is even more reserved where health problems are concerned. In fact, she has told me that he won't talk about them at all and has to be bullied into going to the doctor. She may even have picked up some of his attitude along the way.

Olderal, yes, I realise that we weren't in a private situation but our fellow travellers were all strangers whom we were never likely to meet again. I will not let this blip ruin our friendship. Thanks for your response.

[Findingme]

Although I do agree that your 'friend' came over as unsympathetic, if this snapping was out of character it might be that you touched a nerve. Just because someone does not share your view on how to deal with depression does not mean she cannot suffer from it too. I would say that the fact she mentioned she had a view on it of not moaning about it, could mean that she is indeed suffering herself. She could have been using the coach trip to get away from her problems, and your talking about depression might have been the last thing she needed.

I am not saying this to hurt you, the opposite actually. Just as you were hiding your tears, she may have been hiding hers. By not expressing her feelings to you, you could not know that you might be adding to her troubles, so cannot be held responsible. I would also say that even if she is depressed or under strain herself she should not have snapped. Two wrongs do not make a right.

Why not invite her over for coffee. At a suitable time you could bring up the last conversation, and you could always try expressing your hurt, whilst explaining that you were not wanting to spoil her enjoyment of the trip. She might, in the right setting, feel more like talking, and you can get your friendship back on track.

Of course, it could just as easily be that she is a cold and unsympathetic person, who you are best ignoring. What I advise is that you consider all you know of her, including past behaviour to you, and decide on your course of action accordingly.

[Depresseddorset]

Your friend does not understand mental illness. Talking about how we feel, and not necessarily with a mental health professional, does help. By talking to lay person you are working towards ending the stigma of mental illness. Try to engage your friend in an open and honest discussion about your illness. Streßs that it is an illness that cannot be cured but managed just like diabetes or asthma. If you live with depression ask her to watch 'I have a black dog it's name is depression' on YouTube, it's only 5 minutes but it captures exactly what depression is like. All the best.