Feeling bad

Good morning everyone, would be if the rain stopped and I didn't feel so low.

I've suffered depression  on and off since I can remember. Started when I was a kid, I'm now 51. In school I was bullied as my uniform was always dirty with holes in as my parents were alcoholics and couldn't be bothered with me and my brother's and sister.

By the age of 8 (I was the oldest), I was bottle feeding my brother and sister and doing the housework as best as I could. My grandad  helped me, bless him as he was suffering ill health. I was always late for school as I would have to take the others first to school, I would get kept in at break times and after school. I tried to ask for help at school but they would talk to my parents and I would get abused by my parents (physical and mental).

Anyhow this continued throughout my childhood and by 14 I was having sex with everyone and anyone as I was craving love and affection from my parents. I failed my exams so was beaten black and blue by my parents, so when I left school I went to college but had to do 2 part time jobs as well just to get some money.

In the meantime when I was 14/15 I met my ex hubby who also turned out to be an alcoholic,  druggie, wife beater and abusive me mentally and physically. I had 2 children with him and was with him for 20+ years. Every time I left him, he or my parents would find me and take me back home. It was a situation that I couldn't get away from. When I had my 2nd child, he raped me the day I came out of hospital, I've never felt pain like it.

When she was 18months old, she came into the living room to see her dad with a hammer in his hand trying to hit me and she screamed  and screamed. It was then I broke out of the bubble and started fighting back.

I tried to get help from the police but because he hadn't drawn blood or ended up in hospital they wouldn't do anything. Eventually I managed to get rid of him, I changed my locks, got a dog, padlocked my side gate etc. I tried to commit suicide a couple of times, on the fourth occasion my eldest daughter found me cutting my wrists and it was then I realised I needed help. My parents had stopped talking to me, as he had told them that I was beating him up.

15 years later, I am on 45mg Mirtazpine and waiting to see a counsellor yet again as my ex has tried to contact me but I don't want to see him so he has started the harassment again. He's never seen his daughters since leaving as he says if I dont want him then he doesn't want the girls.

I have had counselling on and off for 15 years and find its helps. Because of him I suffer badly with OCD, the main one being it takes me about an hour to lock up, I check the doors,Windows etc. I find it very hard to trust people and hardly go out. My girls are both working and also have issues, mainly  The youngest as she suffers from anxiety and also finds it hard to trust.

Sorry it so long but I was bottling anything up and my ex contacting me has opened everything up. On a plus side I'm going to be a nan in October, can't wait.

7 Replies

  • So sorry to hear this. I had neglect as a child and can relate to other parts of your experiences though you have had it really tough. Do your children want to see your ex? I would think you could get some arrangements in place to stop him harassing you, the police could help. In the uk there is the freedom project for abused women run by women's aid they are greaT.

    Glad you are going to be a nan.

    Take care.

    SOrry for grammatical errors, I use a phone and it's rubbish lol.

  • My girls don't want to see their dad as in the past he wasn't bothered. The 17 year old wanted to see her dad so I arranged it but he kept letting her down so now it's his problem as she thinks he's a loser. My 28 year old used to be a daddy's girl but he didn't want to see her so  she used to take it out on me. She said it was my fault that her dad didn't love her. So now it me and my girls v the world. 

    It just that now and again something happens and it opens everything up again. I suffer other health problems Emphsema, Osteoarthritis,  double scoliosis etc so try my best to cope.

  • Hello my early life was the same and like you I had quite a lot of treatment over the years. I am also medically disabled.

    All I can suggest is that you try and come to terms with your depression and find a way to put your concerns to rest by possibly changing your life and get away from any form of worry and bad treatment and start again. The only way basically is understand your life and discuss all with a CPN.

    in my life I made some very far reaching changes when I turned sixty, now I  am sixty five and I have a complete new life with Wife and dog.

    We all retain some of our concerns and worries and some bad habits we picket up from the treatment we received when young. It does get easier as we get older although this can affect the trust we have of people around us.

    If your children have issues with their past the same will apply and again they will need to approach their deep feelings the same way. Nothing is easy although eventually you will be more at peace with the results that you can enable

    Approach and attack the problems you have, do not dwell on the past, look at your new future life and run with that. Remember we all make errors, learn from them and do not allow anyone to push you down 

    Be firm and persistent, take a course of talking therapy, be firm


  • I have come to terms with my depression but something happens and I feel helpless again. 

    My eldest daughter who's pregnant has said that there is no way she wants her dad to see the baby. She said seems he couldn't be bothered about her or her sister then why could she be bothered about him. I'm just wondering whether that is why he's tried to make contact?

  • Because of your past, possibly you feel uncertain of your feelings especially if you went through a very questionable period of your life. If family situations are extended into adulthood you are sensitized and when something seems to be attacking that bubble you are bound to be concerned especially if you are concerned about your daughters and their relationship with your old partner and there future partners.

    Your daughter is expecting and if she has uncertain feelings regarding her past that is bound to affect your life as well. All you can do is follow their wishes. If the relationships are broken, now it seems it cannot be fixed and your old Partner needs to accept that, you need to ask however what are the base reasons for His change in attitude is it because He realizes He will be a Grandfather ?, you and your daughter needs to ask those questions, or is there another reason known or unknown for His change of heart. I cannot suggest any answers or question his attitude may be very straight forward.

    To be honest if it was me I would move on especially with your two daughters especially if they  were suffering some form of abuse. You say drink is a problem if that is the case your two daughters would be at risk as would any future children as they will pick up on what has gone on before.

    Start again, with the help of a CPN so you can come to terms and progress into a new phase of your life, including daughters.

    One of my Parents and Grandparent were drinkers and a child can pick up on that problem. Life is hard discuss all in session and make that change if you feel certain of your feelings.

    None functional families can be toxic to future generations


  • Thanks Bob, you talk sense. Both my parents, ex hubby and his family were alcoholics but me and my daughters are tee total. The only reason I can think of is I've been told that he has lost his flat and has no money because of the alcohol and drugs. 

    I won't let it get to me or my daughters but it's easy say than done. My daughter split with her boyfriend because he started controlling her and was abusive to her. So we've had the abuse from them as well. 

    I think everything has got to me, protecting me and my daughters. I had a mental assessment last month and they upped my medication and put me on the waiting list for counselling. In the meantime, I look on this forum and phone call line which help.

  • The problem most people have is  that all relationships are the same and the bad attitudes are accepted and taken as normal.

    The whole problem then can become self fulfilling  and the expectations of normal relationship  become corrupted, it is trying to get away from these negative expectations to accept a natural relationship, that becomes hard. You become a victim that accepts bad brutal relationships that are abnormal. It is this attitude that needs to be hit into the long grass and you will them have that feeling of self worth and not  accept  all this rot, you will then be more at peace with yourself.


You may also like...