Good morning everyone, would be if the rain stopped and I didn't feel so low.
I've suffered depression on and off since I can remember. Started when I was a kid, I'm now 51. In school I was bullied as my uniform was always dirty with holes in as my parents were alcoholics and couldn't be bothered with me and my brother's and sister.
By the age of 8 (I was the oldest), I was bottle feeding my brother and sister and doing the housework as best as I could. My grandad helped me, bless him as he was suffering ill health. I was always late for school as I would have to take the others first to school, I would get kept in at break times and after school. I tried to ask for help at school but they would talk to my parents and I would get abused by my parents (physical and mental).
Anyhow this continued throughout my childhood and by 14 I was having sex with everyone and anyone as I was craving love and affection from my parents. I failed my exams so was beaten black and blue by my parents, so when I left school I went to college but had to do 2 part time jobs as well just to get some money.
In the meantime when I was 14/15 I met my ex hubby who also turned out to be an alcoholic, druggie, wife beater and abusive me mentally and physically. I had 2 children with him and was with him for 20+ years. Every time I left him, he or my parents would find me and take me back home. It was a situation that I couldn't get away from. When I had my 2nd child, he raped me the day I came out of hospital, I've never felt pain like it.
When she was 18months old, she came into the living room to see her dad with a hammer in his hand trying to hit me and she screamed and screamed. It was then I broke out of the bubble and started fighting back.
I tried to get help from the police but because he hadn't drawn blood or ended up in hospital they wouldn't do anything. Eventually I managed to get rid of him, I changed my locks, got a dog, padlocked my side gate etc. I tried to commit suicide a couple of times, on the fourth occasion my eldest daughter found me cutting my wrists and it was then I realised I needed help. My parents had stopped talking to me, as he had told them that I was beating him up.
15 years later, I am on 45mg Mirtazpine and waiting to see a counsellor yet again as my ex has tried to contact me but I don't want to see him so he has started the harassment again. He's never seen his daughters since leaving as he says if I dont want him then he doesn't want the girls.
I have had counselling on and off for 15 years and find its helps. Because of him I suffer badly with OCD, the main one being it takes me about an hour to lock up, I check the doors,Windows etc. I find it very hard to trust people and hardly go out. My girls are both working and also have issues, mainly The youngest as she suffers from anxiety and also finds it hard to trust.
Sorry it so long but I was bottling anything up and my ex contacting me has opened everything up. On a plus side I'm going to be a nan in October, can't wait.