Has anyone else had a relaps in depression and found the whole experience a lot worse the second time around?
Now this may seem like a naive post.. But for me it's been quite a real experience. Many people still ask me how come you've got depression when you seem to have such a great life? And yes I ask myself that all the time till this day! Depression is the oddest thing I've come across!
I was still 21 Last September when depression really pulled the rug from under my feet. Looking back at it now it was such a slow and gradual process, possible over a two year period till it really surfaced it's head (it was so sneaky). I had no idea what was happening to me and I didn't think for one second it was depression/ a mental disorder.
I genuinely believed every negative thing that came into my head. And I was oblivious it was the depression pulling the strings and planting these thoughts! Id convinced myself I was some kind of alien and no one else was going through quite what I was ( even though people clearly do). I was Walking round with my head on fire and no one could see it, it undressed who I was as a person completely.
And it was in September last year everything came to a head. I was put into a psychiatric hospital for 4 weeks for taking a very serious attempt to end my life dispite the help of outside intervention support, my tunnel had no light at the end! and to me it was shrinking, compressing and all the air was being sucked out.
I had opened up to my family and friends Before this point, i was so thankful for their help! but the hold depression had over me was so so strong I felt like There was a massive glass wall between me and the people closest to me, I would look at them and feel such a divide even though they were right their supporting me I still felt so alone. at this point I was also hearing negative voices outside my head and seeing things a lot of the time. I believe it was from the severity of the depression that caused this. I could see how my mental state was effecting everyone around me, my mum couldn't work, my boyfriend didn't move to London like we planned and my dad Just couldn't face it. were as before all this madness we where such a solid unit. ... This was the worst part for me!
Depression really doesn't just effect you it effects the whole family. And I now know it can also be infectious after me my mums depression got worse and I believe my boyfriend developed it although he refuses to see it
I came out of hospital and with my new medications and things have been stable, although yet to get therapy because the nhs England waiting list is about 7 months were I am and the cost for private therapy for someone like me is just to much. I've done my up most to try and reach a healthy mental state Again 😊. Gym 4 times a week along side hiking with my friends! And other hobbies...I started a new job and in general been keeping busy! Family life slowly resumed and the light was back! Shinning through! Yay.
However I can't help but notice the grey cloud approaching from a distance and dispite all my efforts I'm so very low once more. And I am petrified of telling my family I couldn't face seeing them go through what they did last September. I feel more alone than ever before. And after this very long winded post I return to my first question and I wonder if anyone else has struggled with a relaps in their recovery? The feeling of shame and a failure as a person for not being able to over come something. And the unbareable thought of sharing the load once more for fear of seeing the cracks get even bigger! For me I can understand in some way why stigma can exist with something like depression it's such a nasty thing and being around it must be so difficult.
Many thanks if you managed to read all of this post x