How to let go?

I love my boyfriend to bits. Almost a year and a half together, but he's changed for the worse. At the beginning, he was lovely, always there for me and always supportive. At the start of the relationship he changed. He insulted me, hit me, insinuated he'd rather be sleeping with people better looking and skinnier than I am. When I found a girl (that he was obsessively stalking to 'get himself off to') he lied to me about it for months. Saying he wanted to keep up with her life. How oblivious am I? The hitting started a few months in, unable to control his temper. I was the one who got the brunt of it, whilst everyone else thought he was lovely. No one knows what he's really like. The name calling hurts, I'm fat, I'm a slut, all I do is sit on my butt the whole day. He constantly has to put me down. At the beginning of this week, he brought up the idea of ending things between us. As much as I want to respect his decisions, I can't follow through with it. He's so so toxic and I don't need that in my life right now, but I can't seem to let him go, no matter what. How do I? Why do I rely on someone who hurts me so much? 

15 Replies

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  • Because you have a mistaken notion that he cares and loves you and that is why he is being abusive with you?   We women are very good at deceiving ourselves and being in denial.   What is it exactly you love about him?   Is it him controlling you?  Hitting you?  Calling you names?   Ask yourself that.  

    He has taught you to rely on him by his control and now your self esteem is too low to be able to move on.   But move on you must otherwise you will just become another battered partner and over the years you will be more and more ground down until you become a shadow of your former self  That is unless he seriously injures you first or even kills you......  x

  • Love is weird. People find themselves in abusive relationships, but still love their partners. I broke up with my abuser and still have feelings for him. Don't let your feelings blind you as your heart can be deceiving. I wouldn't break up him with face to face because he could hurt you more. Even though it's hard, you should go straight to the police. You can do it.

  • Relationships can be cruel and as we progress through life some partners seem to go through that period of self destruction. The old saying comes to the fore,

    Familiarity breeds contempt. 

    Sometimes when the past is known by the male or female partner one can feel annoyed and upset at their past relationships and a comparison can be made, this can be one reason the relationship can take that aggressive turn and this leads to fights and unreasonable actions, the only ways out of this could be breaking up of the relationship. Some say if slaps or hits enter a relationship it can be very hard for that future relationship to flourish as no-one wants a violent relationship that will feed upon itself over the years. The same can be said if lies are introduced between two people.

    All I can say the time may have arrived when the relationship is not working, it may be time to walk away before a marriage in whatever form takes place. The question comes to the fore how much are you willing to take as a line has been drawn and one of you or both have breached this mark.

    You can go see Marriage Guidance (Relate) can be attended to get past this time although this type of relationship can need extensive treatment to make it work, all is up to you both as you will need to talk out your problems together.

    Personally if a relationship is that bad only you both can sort out this type of truce together

    Remember if one partner looks at other  people to scratch that itch,  life can become very bloody

    BOB

  • I'm probably going to get dog's abuse for this but this situation is so common that it seems there seems to be something in the make up of many women that tolerates abuse both physical and verbal from a partner. I don't understand it any more than I understand how men can abuse their partner ,or often their children.

    How do you end it ? it does n't really need an answer it is so obvious. get rid and quickly and make sure you don't end up with another one. Male bullies are probably more common even than women who tolerate them.

    olderal 

  • Hi Olderal I agree with you.  As a woman though I think a lot of it is because we still get life messages about putting other people first and seeking fault in ourselves rather than others.   We often still feel that it is a woman's responsibility to hold a relationship together and if we don't then we have failed.   We try and change our partners and 'rescue' them from themselves and it's only us who can do that.  But a leopard never changes it's spots and that is a lesson most women learn in the end. 

    Also many women mistake abuse for caring - if he didn't love me he wouldn't 'correct' me or hit me would he?  It's mixed messages and also too some women think this is what all relationships are about.   Women are notorious for suffering from low self esteem too.   We often think we don't deserve any better,  which is rubbish.   We all do.

    The advice I and most women give to someone who is being physically attacked is to leave and get out as soon as they can before they become a serial victim,  or their life is put in danger.

    I would say the last bit to anyone in that situation be it female or male,  as men can be victims of domestic abuse too.      x

  • Olderal that is true. I notice a "masochism"as that is the only word I can think of in some (please note I only say "some" ) females, the same as the "controlling" behaviour is nearly always in the male or the male side of a relationship . I think it is easier sometimes to blame someone for something rather than taking responsibility for your life. Me too I will probably get slated for saying this but i have noticed it.

    Message to poster; just read what you've written; if you want to stay in such a destructive scenario then you only have yourself to blame. Also don't expect your boyfriend to look after you  etc; a relationship is a two way thing; you should be putting in as much as you take out and not expecting him always to be there for you; the opposite coin  of "protecting "  you is controlling you; why don't you ditch both ideas and just have an equal relationship with someone and take responsibility for yourself? 

     Sorry but it's true. Gemma x

  • I do agree with you Gemma but I will say as women we are still encouraged to put our lives and happiness in the hands of our man and rely on him.   I agree though that this does impede our development and slow down us taking responsibility for ourselves.  x

  • You are not taking this situation serious enough. People will tell you what they want you to believe, but it's their actions which reveal who they really are. You are with an abuser and it will only get worse. I know you want it to be like it was at first, but it never will be. You need to get away from him. Would it be possible to live else where foe a few months? I know it sounds drastic but this  may be a drastic situation. The advice you've received on here is excellent. Read it over and make a plan to save your life. The most dangerous time for you will be when you tell him you're leaving so don't do it alone, or leave and then write or call. Please be careful.

  • Hi I agree with VM.   The real person he is isn't the lovely façade he presents to the world - even physcopaths can do that,  but the way he is with you.    So don't expect him to change coz men like that rarely do.  He is the one with issues and problems not you so don't blame yourself.  You cannot change yourself for someone else and you never should.   

    You deserve a man who looks after you and treats you well,  not this loser who is too handy with his fists.  x 

  • If you continue to stay with him he will continue to abuse you. 

    He has always been this way he just hid it at the start He dosnt love you or respect you or even like you and he will continue to treat you in such an appalling way because you allow him to ...

    He will get sick of you and end the relationship and leave you emotionally dead or you can  leave him before you end up having a child with him because he will abuse that child too............Put a higher price on yourself and dump this waste of space and walk with your head high knowing you ended it because it will end so you end it and show the world  you will not tolerate someone treating you that way.

    People treat us how we allow them !!!!

    womenagainstabuse.org/

    nationaldomesticviolencehel...

    helpguide.org/articles/abus...

  • I understand. You are likely to have a low level of self esteem, confidence and/or or depression anyway. This guy adds to that. Also look up codependency, there are books and groups that can help and look up a domestic abuse helpline. You can pm me.

  • All I can say is, this man clearly does not deserve to have you in his life.

    If your view of yourself is clouding your judgement of the situation, try and think of someone else going through the same thing as yourself. Maybe even another loved one, a friend, a family member. When we have low self-esteem we often invent different rules for ourselves because we believe ourselves "lesser" than everyone else. This is completely untrue! You deserve to be in a happy, supportive and caring relationship as much as anyone else. From what you've told me about the current situtation with your boyfriend, it is anything but. If you knew someone trapped in such a situation, what would your advice be to them?

    To use the online vernacular, you need to "GTFO". As soon as possible.

  • Quote "At the beginning of the week he brought up the idea of ending things between us".  Sounds like that was a good idea of his  :) Let him end it and see it as a blessing that is if he means it rather than just testing you out.  if not just walk away. You know what to do really or you wouldn't be asking us but I hope this give you the incentive.  Gemma x

  • I'm glad you started by acknowledging  all thats wrong with and undesirable about  him. But do you really still love him? What's to love? You've got the physical abuse and problem he's the one who needs to sort himself out. Let him folloŵ other girls, he'll only treat them as he treats you! Get out of there or chuck him out before he does you more physical and emotional damage! He's genuinely not worth it. 

  • I feel for you as my husband is emotionally abusive and now I am getting the help I need from an organisation, it changed me as a person and I feel like I have no self esteem left in me to fight it, get the help you need, the freedom programme is good to attend if you can in your local area, I see a domestic abuse worker, I'm still with him but I am learning coping strategies and I get help with debt advice, housing etc

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