Hallo. I am new on this forum and hope I don't go on too much. I won't go into the reasons why I have depression but it is to do with alienation from the Drama Group that I was with for 27 years because I 'stood up' to a bully who is Chairman of the Group. To cut an extremely long story short, because he has what I call a 'smart mouth', he has managed to convince 95% of the people that I considered friends/acquaintances there that he was completely innocent and that it is all 'me'. It genuinely isn't. I couldn't win - I am not a fluent talker and he is much more convincing (as well as being in a powerful position as Chairman). I was on the committee but left after his first year as Chairman as I could see him manipulating and getting his own way on everything yet pleading that he is 'just the messenger' when decisions were made and couldn't stand to be around him. The other 5% know the truth of what happened but they are very few. Over the past 18 months that this all took place, (persecution, trying to destroy successful productions and other events that I have done or organised etc) I have been terribly depressed, irritable, angry, over-reacting to people I care about and am extremely sad to have lost certain people who I believed were my friends. But for looking after my 3 cats, I would genuinely have committed suicide before now but I can't bear the thought of them running around not being cared for. I have found that I feel better in the mornings but as the day wears on, I get tearful, feel hopeless, unwanted, insignificant, unloveable and bitter, especially when it's a nice bright early evening (I think I must feel that everyone else is having a lovely time whilst I am on my own). I am the person that I never wanted to be. I am on Amytriptiline (for sleeping and from when my mother died 4 years ago, and was then put on the higher, depression, dose). I often just want to join her as feel I am of no use to anyone. I am going for psychotherapy recommended by the Older People's Mental Health Service (I am a young 65) in May. I left the Group for my own sanity but there are still links and he recently 'put the boot in again' and sent a general email to everyone in the Club that I was trying to 'destroy the Club' - one of the (very few) friends left and I have been forced to use the same premises for something that we are doing with some new people. We literally could not afford anywhere else in the vicinity and the Hall asked us to use their premises to encourage families and gave us a good deal. Of course, now 'he' has decided that after 70 years of doing adult productions, THEY are now going to do 'family productions' - therefore it is US (or rather me, as it's me he is dead set against) that are in the wrong! I really can't win! I have thought of taking him to court for defamation of character but can't afford to lose. What is the worst thing is that a friend that I have known for over 20 years who I was close to once and is also friendly with him has abandoned me - she says that what he says is the opposite to what I have said. I replied, 'Well, of course it is - he is lying and I'm telling the truth'. That will teach me to tell the truth - she hasn't replied to the two recent emails I sent her. He has won yet again. When will this feeling ever end? I can't see any future as my looks have gone with worry and anxiety, I have no confidence or anything else. Thank God for my cats keeping me alive though sometimes I feel like ensuring they are well looked after in the cattery then taking a whole packet of my pills with a bottle of vodka. Sorry to go on. This is of no help to anyone else and tomorrow I may feel better (as I tend to in the mornings). But then the longer evenings come around and I feel lonely, tearful and hopeless again. Is there a happy ending to these situations?
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