Crying pain suffering

My Mum passed away just recently, my Brother went to the registrar today and the registrar refused to accept the hospital Drs cause of death! We as a family know the hospital have messed up and are trying to cover their mistakes, but we just want my Mum's funeral to be over with! Is that wrong? We don't want Her to be cut up due to a autopsy, we just want her to be laid to rest! The Hospital should have admitted their mistakes so we as a family can get on with our lives and grieve. I don't have any intention of trying to sue or anything like that,an apology would suffice and measures put in place so nothing like this can happen again! I am sitting here alone I keep breaking down in tears wondering if I should have brought Mum home with me even though she was ill before the fall and the wrong drugs being administered she was still a bright funny loving and still did her crosswords in minutes rather than hours! After she fell in hospital She did not seem the same she didn't do her crosswords or joke about like she did before then after St Cross Hospital gave her Penicillin knowing how it would cause her to go into Anaphylactic shock Mum no longer could stay awake she started slipping away we all knew she was dying but still it came as a shock when she did .The only thing good about Mum's death was the fact that at least the Family was with her my Brother and I holding her hands and stroking her forehead, I am sure she knew that she was loved and cared for! The Nurses on ward 40 at Coventry's Wallsgrave hospital were lovely and took great care of Mum. I thank them for that! I just wish I was a fitter person and had made more visit's to her before and after she became ill, we were very close my humour and personality is very similar to what Mum's was, I am really hurting but can't tell my Brother or Sisters what I am going through ,I am the big brother when I had my breakdown a few years ago my family have tried to keep bad things away from me they are very protective I want to tell them how I am hurting but can't I want to tell them I really give up. After Mum's funeral I will move again and not let any of my family know where I am so I won't have to grieve again am so sad the pain I feel my morphine does not make any better! Sorry I have nowhere else to put my feelings .and I do know others here understand what I mean

10 Replies

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  • Hi Dell I am so sorry you have lost your beloved mum and are having to go through all this.  It must be torture for you.  I can only say when my dad died they did an autopsy on him (the thought of it was awful and we were distressed),  but it was very quick and he was cremated in 11 days.  So you shouldn't have to wait long before your mums funeral. 

    I must admit my sisters and I were so glad after the funeral was over because it meant we could start to heal and move on.  

    Your mother has already moved on to whatever is beyond this earth,  or nothing who knows?   Her body doesn't hold her anymore her spirit has gone.   Thinking of it like that really helped me to come to terms with it.  

    Why do you want to move on after the funeral?   I found great comfort in talking to my sisters about my parents - wouldn't you?   A big hug for you.  Bev x

  • I have always been a loner as much as I love my family (perhaps because of that) I will move on so they don't have the pain I have now,I know I am getting more I'll everyday and don't want them to see it. I already have my plan's for when it gets too much for me,all above board and legal and I know my family will object so it's better that they don't know where I am ! Some may think I am being selfish but it's not its because I care so much about them, I feel tired tonight and that's a good thing as last night and today is the first time I have slept since Mum's passing, so perhaps I will sleep tonight and wake tomorrow feeling stronger and less stressed than I have for the past week or so. I just feel numb and sad at the same time I don't understand why all this is going on perhaps tomorrow things will be different?

  • If you had a loved one who was feeling such pain how would you feel if they disappeared?   Awful I should imagine.   The pain you are going through needs to be dealt with and shared,  otherwise you will find it very hard to get through it.  Trying to do it on your own only leads you to thoughts of self harm which you are talking about.   Taking your own life is the extreme of self harm.

    Sharing your pain with your loved ones,  and sharing theirs with you is the way to go.   If you find this difficult why not use a counsellor to help you heal?   No one is an island you know and trying to make yourself into one is very damaging to you.   I speak from experience here. 

    I agree with Redhots - how awful for your family to lose your mum then lose you too.   That's not kind to them but cruel too.   Most of all it is cruel to yourself.  x 

  • I am not thinking of self harm or suicide,I have not hidden to anyone here that when the time comes suicide is the last thing on my mind, I have made sure that I will go with dignity not with people around but with proper medical Drs who will look after me and make sure that I don't suffer, I already have all in place, my family do not need to suffer anymore, Dignitas have many procedures in place so they know your mental state of health as well as your physical state! I also know that what you are saying is also correct, I don't have the strength physically or mentally to carry on fighting, I have to keep going just now so I can say goodbye to my Mum properly this is the only thing keeping me going! At the moment I am having difficulty breathing and concentrating (Panic attack I know) I also know that things are not always what they seem, so I do know I have to try to keep things together for now ,I just keep breaking down crying and feeling numb . please understand I know the pain others feel when suicide appears to be the only way out ,been there done that and was told I was lucky to survive 26% of my body has deep burns and 60% has less serious burns,whether that was a suicide attempt or not thankfully I don't know because I remember nothing from the months leading up to it ! I have a new life now one I created but all of it is created from what memories I do have or have been told about ! I am not a bad person ,I have worked in the voluntary field ( HALO homeless charities drug and alcohol! Charities and a charity helping lonely suicidal people ) I still try to help people but from my home .OK I may not be much help but at least I try!  Everyone has a story to tell unfortunately mine will never be complete until I can remember some of my past, I don't know who did this but someone sent me a picture of my Mum from a few years ago and I see the beauty the Compassion that she had for ALL not just the family! I don't know who sent it but the message read "Derek I know you never liked pictures so just in case you need one of your Mum Grace I thought you would like this , Grace helped my family and I many times ,may you be fortunate enough to have some of your Mum's goodness and decency towards her fellow human beings, God bless" no return address or contact was included the postmark is also illegible? 

    I thought that was nice and would have liked to have been able to thank them for taking the time to send it to me!

    I may feel sad but there is someone out there who thinks enough of my Mum to do that and I feel happier now because of this

  • If mistakes were made by hospital, it has to be documented.  That is only way you can be sure corrective measures are taken .  The pain of losing your mother will not get better by your moving . To heal, you need to spend time with your siblings , be together and share stories, celebrate her life.  Are you upset with your sibelings ?  Your leaving and not letting anyone know where you are will only add to their pain of losing their mother.  Why would you do that ? There is not a drug that will take away your grief, you have to walk thru it and it would be easier with your sibelings by your side .  Wait at least 1 year before making any major life changing decisions .  You will have good days and bad days , reach out to your friends and sibelings , talk, cry, but put one foot in front of the other , your mom would want you to be happy. Family is important, they are the ones that really know you and love you . Ask God for strength and peace .  He will bring you comfort that will get you thru the days ahead . 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

  • So sorry you are going through this. I lost my dad due to medical mistakes. He was told There was nothing wrong and treated by a GP like a time waster when He called her out. Then he had a massive internal bleed and dropped dead at home. He was only 54. There are so many emotions going on when someone dies and everyone deals with it differently. It is a cliche but time really does heal but it's important to let yourself grieve how you wish to. Try not to think that you being like this will be negative towards your family, in reality you being sad isn't negative at all it's normal. Take it one day at a time. Nobody can take away those precious memories you have and it won't always be this bad believe me. 

  • Hi Katie, I know what you mean. About being treated as a time waster by Drs I had severe pain in my back for over 5 years x-rays scans etcetc found nothing that is until a group of South African specialists with a mobile scanner did a scan ! I was taken to hospital from the clinic had further scans and lo and behold I had a 5-6 year old fracture that had a calcium growth that had damaged my spine! I now have a degenerative Spinal/ skeletal disease bones are crumbling , I could have used according to the hospital pals team but why should I?  If I had of sued and won then it would have caused others to suffer. My ailments can't be cured yet but everyday new treatments become available more hope!

  • I have been reading post's on here for the last few hours, I know that I have to get it together and am trying, I really do feel weak and tired my stomachs area is very painful and bloated, probably because I missed my meds this morning I am very thankful for all your responses they do help me a lot, I hope my responses to others help them as much thank you Derek

  • Still waiting for the Coroner's report so we can go ahead with Mum's funeral, The Hospital's involved had tried to put the wrong cause of Death,the registrar wouldn't accept it and sent everything off to the Coroner, we now have to wait! I am now all for prosecution of those who were instrumental in not only Mum's death but the attempted cover up! My youngest sister has now got to go back to New Zealand without being able to say goodbye to Mum, I am sick at the moment Chest infection and swollen throat so am unable to even see my sister before she leaves! A friend was going to drive me there ,my newish Dr has been a Godsend (see I don't blame all Drs just the Negligent ones) still keep breaking down in tears more of anger I think ? Mum's friends have been calling me (not the other members of my family?) Telling me how proud she was of me keeping on going and trying to sort my life out after my breakdown! Mum never told me that! I really find life very difficult just now, I don't know what to do for the better ? Life is what you make it was a favourite of Mum's , I have tried very hard to make mine comfortable but without success just for my Mum I will have to try hell of a lot Harder!

  • Am still waiting for the Coroner to give his decision, we have been told that we may get a certificate that will allow us to put Mum to rest , but it won't be a "full" death certificate? Apparently there could be a hearing ,the hospital is causing all this by not admitting Negligence even though it is documented that the bed safety guards were not put back as supposed to be,Mum fell out and had black eyes broken nose and stitches!!,( I did not know it was that bad I only saw the black eyes and I was angry enough with that) Then the fact that Mum was given Penicillin when it was clearly stated that she had a severe Anaphylactic reaction previously! Plus Mum WAS wearing a wristband that also stated this! Hospital denied Mum had a red wristband stating her allergies even though I have a picture clearly showing the wristband ! I seriously hope the hospital trust gets closed down and a more responsible trust take over, or the CEOs get fired after they "PERSONALLY" pay any fines and I also hope face Criminal charges now that more Negligence is becoming clear! My family are suffering still and my poor Mum must have really Suffered during her stay there! 

    I am feeling angry and it is making me feel stronger? I can't understand how or why but I want to prove myself a stronger person and fight for justice for my Mum and make my family proud of me again!