I just want to be normal

Depressed my whole life as i know i just forever wanted to feel normal. My whole existence and my behaviour has always been based solely on my desease of depression, how could i ever feel or act in the correct mannor or accept things in the correct way, i have many things to be happy about and instead while spending an amazing day and evening with my friends i drank i smiled and was litterally on top of the world. It was the 15th sep 2015 and i felt like my life couldnt be better and i sat back observing my friends and their happiness N mine and randomly decided that it was the time to end my life, so i said see ya walk home smiling got home and swallowed 30 valium tabs (not realising they couldnt kill me without copious amounts of alcohol  consumed which i had) the last thing i remember was my brother who is big and strong and nothing will bring him down, he was balling his eyes out as he listened to me slowly dropping into lala land, next thing i remember was cops and ambos etc (apparaently i had an edrenalin shot in my chest)  idont remember much after that just waking up at the hospital trying to rip needles from me, apparently my heartbeat was to high to leave. I was socdrugged up i dont remember pretty much that whole week including not feeling 2 tattoos i got that week 1 on ribs and 1 on foot....one of my brothers didnt speak to me in 3 months and my dad wondered why he wAs the only person i never sent a goodbye message to. I told myself i would never hurt my family again like that but now i struggle to keep that promise

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  • Amidst being surrounded by happy friends and family you sounded like you enjoyed them and were part of the group. Yet you must have felt a disconnect somewhere in order to decide to kill yourself after this happy affair. You didn't sound serious enough about the suicide attempt to research what it would take to be successful at this attempt. Did you really want this to work? 

    What makes you want to check out? What is bothering you? Did you ever really feel on top of the world as you say? It seems as though depression may be robbing you of that enjoyment. Have you been treated for depression? You seem to not have been, not adequately at least. Depression can make you want to end your life if it isn't under control. It's not you who wants to leave this world, it's the depression talking. It lies and deceives you. Makes you feel things are worse than they really are. And you can't feel real joy unless your depression is under control.

    You'll hurt a lot of people by killing yourself and that would be selfish. I know you're hurting, too. Get to a good Dr. for your depression and get that under control and you'll feel better about your whole life in as soon as a few weeks. I'm behind you and supporting you if you want to pm me that's fine. I'm sending prayers and a BIG ((((HUG))))). 

  • Hi thanks for your reply, i was 100% serious, i thought having that much valium would definatey do it, my brother who didnt speak to me for some time researched it after the incident, i just moved to a new place and none of my family knew where i lived. I have bn treated for depression but i dont want it to control me, i thought i had finally come to terms with it and found a way i was in control but lately i feel depression is yet again taking control

  • Do you see that 2 of us are confused that you sounded happy out with friends and yet came home to try to take your life? Now you are saying clearly that you're feeling depressed again. The next logical step to get in control is to call your Doc and report it so you get instructions on how to fight back. Your doc decides what to adjust in your meds to fight the depression and you will start to feel it working and get back on top of the depression.

    I've done this many times. It beats a trip to the hospital to get my stomach pumped or some other permanent damage from a failed suicide attempt. And that could easily happen and I don't want to deal with that. Plus I would have to answer to my loved ones and my God and I'm not up to THAT either. And don't you feel just a little foolish when people find out you took all that valium and it didn't work? I don't want to face that kind of failure, either. 

    Truth be told, if God is the author of all life, which I believe, then I have no right to take my life if I'm still sane. Not much room there for discussion. He's the bossman. Nor do I have to despair because he will never forsake me, even though it may feel like it at times, I actually do know better. This makes it easy for me...I call the doc and report my deepening depression and ask what s/he wants to do about it next. I stay on top of it and I've been on top for a very many years. I hope you get there and stay there, too. I'm going to be praying for you and thinking of you.

  • Thats the whole point, depression doesnt make sense, this for me is an outlet to how i feel n yes its depressed and depression confuses the hell out of me 

  • Depression can confuse anyone. The important thing right now is that you call your Dr. and report that you are not feeling well at all and you need to know how she or he wants to handle this. Please don't skip this phone call and allow yourself to remain depressed without taking action. I wouldn't want you to get even more depressed, would you?

    I'd love to hear back from you what the Dr. said and how you're feeling in a few days or a week, if you don't mind. I'm hoping you'll improve and feel better. Take care of yourself...I'm sending you a BIG ((((HUG))))) to tide you over a bit until you're feeling better.

  • Hello flee

    Welcome to our site

    I am having problems relating to your letter, you were with people you enjoy, then you decide to leave the group, go home and swallow a load of medication. 

    One member of your family did not speak to you as your suicide had been discovered by Him and your Father was peeved as He did not get a suicide letter from you.

    Can you explain what happened in the hospital did they section or just send you home or did they call up a Crisis Team to assess your condition.

    Has your GP started a treatment plan and are you been seen by a CPN or are you in Hospital for your Mental Health,

    If you have not seen anyone yet ????, you need to talk to your GP as your whole attitude seems suspect

    What has caused your depression ??

    BOB

  • This was back in 2013, the reason it is confusing is because it is, how can i feel happy then want to kill myself. I saw a pshyc in the hospital and after been kept there for 24hours then sent me home once they knew someone could be with me 24 hours, i wasnt aloud to sleep on my own. The hospital crisis ppl called me on a daily basis keeing updated how i was feeling etc while i was seeing a dr and a physc and taking happing pills, had to go though a couple of different ones to find what was best for me. I stayed on them for about 6 months but i didnt want depresssion to control me so once i felt on top of it i went off them, i thought i worked out how to control it but lately its taking control again 

  • Hi there I understand, you need to see a psychologist and get on a good anti depressant. I have done this after being severely depressed all my life.it is really helping for the first time ever. I am on cymbalta. I wish you well.

  • Hello Flee

    We all need to see a CPN or same every now and then, even when it has been many years since that time we were feeling so confused and worried.

    Contact your GP and arrange another course of treatment is you and your Mood is suspect once more

    BOB

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