I don't know where to start, i talk to friends and family about how i feel but it doesn't ever feel like thats enough, i feel there is an evil in me that just wants to escape and shout to everyone anywhere and everywhere WHY, WHY CANT I JUST FEEL NORMAL, WHY CANT I JUST FEEL HAPPINESS!!! Although i feel that no matter how many ppl i talk to or shout it to, the whole 'getting it off your chest' seems its never going to be enough.
Im 33, growing up had a great family life but i was never happy, i think back and at 33 i really and truely can not ever remember how or when i was ever happy and looking into my future i just see the same life, lonely, struggling and always feeling lost. I always try and think positive and put those vibes out i to the universe however depression always seems to win., at the moment im struggling financially, am inbetween jobs and of course i come home to an empty house everyday. These are just everyday issues though and i tend not to let those things stress me but at the moment everyday i feel myself slipping further and further into depression, a place i thought i had learnt how to overcome and never thought id be here again but i feel worthless and empty and hollow and feel i just want to cry all the time but im to numb to.
I guess the only thing i ever felt like i was worthy is was with work, i would fpcus all my energy into my jobs and feel accomplished when i was always successful in my jobs however i needed something new so quit my job of 5 years to persue another job opportunity, unfortunately that didnt work out so in the last year i have tried and failed in 5 jobs and now hunting for my 6th job.... This has really knocked my confidence to the point i start feeing like in getting anxiety thinking about starting a new job as im doubting my abilities and just feel im just going to fail again and what will i do then if i do? I dont think my confidence can handle another failure in the only part of my life i ever felt accomplished. And if i do fail how will i cope with my dept that seems to be feeling out of control since going from job to job.
In other areas of my life i also feel like ive desperately failed and i cant understand where i fail in relationships. Im 33, im attractive, i am very outgoing, smart, funny, caring and have so much love to give but i have been single for so so many years and relationships prior to that where not very happy relationships. The past 2-3 years i had a guy in my life whom i fell inlove with however he never committed to me, and i know its not cuz he is affraid of commitment as he is pretty willing to commit to any other woman that comes into his life, prior to him the same thing with another guy for 2 years. Imbetween there have bn men ive bn attracted to but they didnt see me worthy of getting to know or persuing anything with me and it confuses the absolute shit out of me, im not naggy, im not pushy im easy going and really the perfect catch so what is it they these men are seeing that instantly puts me in the 'not good enough basket' i dont look for love, i dont obsese of needing love, not many men attract me but the ones that dont want a bar of me, im not materialistic, i dress nice, hold myself well, have gd morals and have no problem with parents loving me if i ever get to meet them SO WHATS THE PROBLEM WHY AM I NOT WORTHY, i always seem happy even if im feeing depressed and i dont disclose those things to men i meet. I just feel at this point im really struggling at the thought that reality looks like im going to be lonely forever and im not going to have love where the love goes both ways and i wont have the opportunity to have a family and im going to have to come home everyday for the rest of my life and have to cook for myself everynight, there is never going to be someone there to cook for me occassionally and share the cleaning and share the bills and just simply fall asleep with or watch tv with or have a stimulating convo with or laugh with... The thought of this reality is just eating me on the inside, i can be alone, ive done it this long but the thing is, i dont want to be alone and i dont always want to do everything by myself, i want to create memories and just feel warm on the inside i want to feel what its like to be loved. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME, WHY AM I ALWAYS REJECTED!!!
Im really struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel and am starting to just prepare myself that this is the rest of my life, pay check to paycheck, always renting, always alone, never really achieving anything special, always feeling empty, hollow, numb, sad sometimes annoyed with the world and mostly annoyed at myself for not being good enough and mostly not being able to identify what it is that makes me not worthy!!!!! So alone right now