So....I kind of....hurt myself? Sort of?

So....I kind of... hurt myself? Not seriously or with a blade or anything, and it wasn't even like I was that upset at the time or anything; I was fairly coherent actually, but I was in the kitchen, and this was a couple of weeks back now, and there was a knife - not a particularly sharp one, just your bog standard knife that you eat with, and kind of ran it over the back (?) - the bit that's  not the understide - of my arm a few times. No more than three or four times, and not particularly deeply, just kind of light scratches. It's just...I don't know why I did it, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and kind of wanting to do it again, not to properly hurt myself or when I'm particularly distressed or anything, but I just...don't know why it was a thing.

Maybe it's just me not understanding properly the nature behind things like this. In my mind I've got the stereotypical blades, on the wrist etc thing, and it's definintely not that, and I wouldn't class it as that, it's just... I don't really know really. 

If people have questions, I'll answer them, I just don't know how to really express this properly/

7 Replies

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  • I don't know, but maybe it's the same reason people get more and more tattoos/piercings. Maybe the pain feels good in some way and you want more?

  • Hi, Maybe it's your way of just feeling something. Last year I had several scars on my hands, they were originally papercuts or loose bits of skin, but I picked them until they bled, then I judt kept reopening the scars. I mentioned it to a psychologist I was seeing to help me with my depression and she said it was a type of self-harm. We spent a session on it and I found out that I was doing it cause it was something I could control and that I could feel. At the time I had thoughts that I couldn't control or understand and I just felt numb or upset about everything.

    I don't do it now, but it was hard not to start again when I felt I was going backwards with my progress.

    If you can talk to someone about it or try to find another way to express your thoughts and feelings. It's tough when you have either thoughts that you don't understand or just noise , I felt like I just had this mass of noise like too many people numbing all the time in my head.

    I started doing mindfulness breathing and other relaxation techniques to help slow my thoughts down and that helped me.

    Take care and please be careful and looking after yourself.

  • This is serious and you are concerned to write about it. You need to focus on positive things and control your negative thoughts.  Relaxation tapes will help you, focus on things which make you happy.  The world we live in can be depressing at the moment and we need to be positive and dwell on what we personally enjoy.  Do you like comedy?  I enjoy watching things like Shaun the sheep!!  Anything to make you laugh and get you in a positive frame of mind.  Seek professional help if this keeps recurring because you/we all have much to achieve in life.

    I hope this helps you, now we have longer days coming and warmer weather there is much to look forward to.  My thoughts are with you, try to be strong and you WILL overcome this😊😊

  • Meditation may well help but also think understanding what goes on with the bit of the brain that deals with anxiety may also help - its quite primitive and tends to deal with threats by sending you an image of the threat - great if you need to run away from a bear but pretty daft when it comes to dealing with stress as that is probably why you are getting the image of cutting yourself - it's your brains way of warning you that you need to relax but it tends to backfire because it gets you more stressed so more images in a vicious circle.

    Don't know if it is similar but I often get urges to touch the electrified fences around horse pens when I am out on walks - think it is just curiosity rather than anything else - certainly not going to be enough to kill me :)  I've succumbed on two occasions - both quite a while ago now - first time I managed to hit it between phases so no reaction - second time caught it when the wire was live and got an electric shock which made my muscles tense and left me with an ache for a while.

    Sometimes we do do things through curiosity and that's all there is but it can be difficult not to worry about them afterwards.

    Hope you do manage to break the chain of thoughts you are having at the moment

  • Hello 

    Been in the Wars ?

    just had a quick look of some of your posts, I seem to feel you are having problems with yours Uni Course and that seems you are overwhelmed with not only your course also those who you are sharing student dwelling. I suppose you could be playing for attention, the cutting could be part of that.

    You are still young and being a way from home could be a problem as well. Things at home do get done for you and when in Halls you have to look after yourself, mind I would have thought two years away from home should have become easier.

    If you are still cutting there must be a good reason why you persist. Have words with your GP as if you keep cutting your  need to continue to slice may become a real problem and then you may cause some real problems. 

    You need to ask yourself WHY ???, you need to get down to the reason for this. Are you taking any medications ?,

    Are you having any problems with those who you share with ?.

    Have you got problems at home ?. Please see your GP.

  • Welschscotsman, if you have not already sought the help of a doctor, please consider doing so as soon as possible. The cuts, or scratches as you call them, are concerning, but moreso are the thoughts you're having related to the blades. This is a very common behaviour, and one that can signal serious psychiatric struggles. This is something that starts small and can grow uncontrollably... in my opinion. My issue is overmedicating - overdosing on stashed meds. The two behaviours belong in the same family as they are both self harm which is one of the symptoms of BPD. I am in no way trying to 'diagnose' you; rather, I'm hoping to enlighten you and to hopefully save you from escalating. All the best, and take good care.

  • Self harming is a way of relieving pain, emotional pain.  All bottled up negative emotions, anxieties, depression (chronic or temporary) are brought in the open by externalising the pain through self harm and it seems you have quit a lot on your plate. It is a difficult, lonely place to be in but there are people who can help.  You may like to consider your local branch of MIND where everything is treated in strict confidentiality and may be able to point you towards the right path if you would like to make changes.  The GP is a good idea but you may find a lot of them go for the quick fix prescribing pills and all pills have undesirable short/long term side effects (serotonin pills have not even been tested extensively since they are fairly new and we need a good 20-30 years to assess long term effects on the population.) Having said that, they do have their uses but the minute the pill stops the daemons come back.  Getting rid of baggage which very often may be bestowed upon us through external factors such as upbringing, parents, significant people in our earlier lives, events etc. will take time to process but ultimately may make you feel "lighter" and increase your emotional pain threshold.  When hitting absolute despair the Samaritans may help. In the meantime organisations like MIND may point you to low cost or free counselling. Speaking to pastoral care at your academic institution, i.e. an in-house counsellor may be an option. Just some ideas, hope it all goes well.

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