I can't drown my demons they know how to swim

Hi, im Anastasia or Ana i'm 17 and from England and i honestly believe that i'm suffering from depression but, my mum doesn't believe in all that or , she thinks i don't have the right to feel the way i do only she and my two older siblings do . When we lived in nigeria my parents were famous everything was great. My mum brought my dad out of poverty , as she was a successful model and actress , she encouraged him to be a director etc. they were together for 16 years... after a couple of years my dad started drinking , smoking and sleeping around . I'm the second youngest , and when she was pregnant with my younger brother , she was about to give birth at 2am at night , there were no hospitals around and she had to craw under a 3 foot gate in order to find help. Luckily a woman saw her and took her to a "hospital" that hadn't been finished , there was no roof or anything -- turns out my dad was in a hotel with my mums best friend . it was common knowledge that he slept with everyone in the movie industry . My mum had a terrible childhood also . Me and my younger brother came to london in 2004 for a holiday , leaving my dad and older siblings behind ( he pushed us to go ) . Little did we know that he married my mums friend who he was openly having an affair with in our house 3 months later . He kicked out my brother and sister in nigeria and they've been there for 12 years. He left us with 30 pounds . we were homeless for so long , my mum took up so many jobs and as it turns out , she even became an escort . she told me this last year. We for a short period of time slept on benches, i remember one night a priest took pity on us and allowed us to stay in his house for as long as we wanted . We often starved and rationed our food , there were countless days where we just ate bread and butter ..whilst my mum went to work from 7am till midnight . My dad called for a year , always telling us he was coming , me and my brother didn't know he had left us . On our birthday ( me and my brother have the same birthday ) i was turning 7 my dad called, i was so excited i was telling him all these great things , for about 30 seconds then he told me to stop talking and just give the phone to my brother . i just cried . why didn't he want me ? why didn't anyone care about what i wanted , how i felt . My mum was great , she's amazing no one could've done what she did , but there are times i feel she never really focused on me because i was doing well in school and i was quiet obedient and just observed .

I have never really thought about my dad till last year , my younger brother hates him though he was only 3 and i was 5 when we came here. I've been sad for such a long time . My mum used to tell me ,since i was at least 6 or 7 i'd say in my sleep that i wanted to die . I was always a quiet and observant child , loved school and learning . Everything was great till i got to secondary school , i was bullied for the 3 years i was there, racist comments thrown at me , bullied on the school bus , told i smelt , that i was ugly ... that was when i began having suicidal. The only reason i never really attacked on them was due to the simple fact that i'm weak . During year 9 i moved schools ( back to London ) i thought this was a new start , i could finally be me, i had made so many new friends but i was wrong . The friends i stood by through everything targeted me one they found someone else to hang with . They spread rumors that i was a witch a devil , on our Spanish trip one of my friends at the time would leave our room ( which o was sharing with two other girls and would lie against me saying i called her ugly or i think i'm all that . She came back one night after having a argument with another friend and told me that it was my fault no one liked me , why everyone thinks i'm a witch , why im hated . I was ready to throw myself through the window . Through out my life i've always been a victim , always hated for some reason by people i don't know . By year 11 everything died down , but a specific girl would constantly say that she hated me because she couldn't understand why everyone thought i was beautiful , smart or funny and that i faked my american accent . ( i have a posh american /English/aussie accent according to everyone i meet ) .. Year 11 was difficult enough my teachers hated me with a passion though i always strove to do better , my morale was at an ultimate low .They made me out to be a deviant which i wasn't , said i talked back , failed me made me out to be inept and incapable of anything . I'm surprised i even passed . I let the bullying and my past with my family affect my education - i let it affect me .

With my dad , i never thought about him , till last year when i realized there's a lot of things i do because of what he did , because of my bullying because of my insecurities . I never really got attention off the opposite sex , then all of a sudden i was "hot" . I've never really cared about boys or relationships hence why I've never dated . However, it seems i derive joy in knowing that someone likes me ( a lot ) even though i know i'll never feel the same way. i don't do it purposely but, i like i think subconsciously being in control of how they feel , because of how destructive my parents relationship was . I don't know how to like someone , i don't love myself .. someone told me the other day that my attitude towards men was appalling- i'm sarcastic , i act like i don't care because i don't know how to feel anything for them. I'm scared mostly to be in a relationship , i'm confused when someone likes me. I'm an adequate human being ...

I've changed from the bubbly person i once was .. i don't know what people want me to be . I'm sarcastic and outlandish that's all good but i'm always mad ,i'm always crying and i just can't seem to fucking breathe . I've repressed everything from a young for so long and i have no one to talk . I want to go into law and i honestly don't know if i can do that , education is the only thing that has kept me sane . I'm beautiful but i feel like a worthless piece of shit .. No one has ever cared for so long I've had to grow up and be independent and have matured so much ... sometimes i think there's nothing left off me and i'm just mimicking the actions and behaviors of everyone else just .. to be.

i've always spoken to online strangers as a way to escape my everyday life , and i think this has made me detach myself from so many people . I'm talking to men almost 5 years or more maybe to compensate , maybe because i know i can manipulate them .

i haven't seen my older siblings in 12 years .. my mum only got a job 2 years ago ( because we were immigrants ) , my sister was going to be sold into a prostitution ring and was raped as a teen ( but my dad covered it up so it didn't ruin his cred as movie producer . My older brother now has HIV due to the conditions he was living in ,in the past .They haven't been to school since they were 15..

This only covers about 10% of everything that has happened in my life, if i wrote more we'd be here for a week. There's only so much i can say in this post but i suppose this will have to do . I've been crying whilst writing this , and just remembered that my older siblings are actually my step-bro/sis ( only told this 3 years ago ) . Also from an abusive marriage .

I dont know if this means anything but i seem to remember being in a room with a man at least 40 , i looked about 5 and he's touching me , it's only until my mum calls me that everything blurs out . I've never been sure as to whether this was a dream or really happened .

are my feelings just a phase?

4 Replies

  • Hi Ana,

    I'm very sorry for your situation. I get the feeling that in these sort of posts, no matter how much you write it barely even scratches the surface. Your past and present seem to be inescapable but please remember that there will be people out there who are thinking of you and will want to help you. You may not think that it is enough but isolation is really restricting. Your circumstances, your history may not change but you might find your world opens up (even by a tiny bit) when you open up to someone.

    If you are having these sort of thoughts I think it is highly probable that you are depressed. Regardless of what anyone thinks depression doesn't follow a philosophy of "I'm going through more than you therefore I should have it". People can go through hell and not suffer it at all. At 17 you can go to the GP and explain your feelings, you can decide together the extent to which you want help - without your mum's knowledge until you are ready to confront her with it, if you ever want to. (In this respect I'm in a similar situation to you since my mum has narrow view of depression). I think one of the most difficult stages is self-doubt on whether you actually have depression or not (well for me that is), so I think the sooner your confirm it the better, and the sooner you can begin to feel more like yourself.

    Btw- I have no idea whether this would make you feel better but I'm also living in the UK - currently Winchester (close-ish?) and one year above you :). You never know - one day we may cross paths and become friends in the future without ever knowing. Or you can think of it as crossing paths with many me's in the future who may potentially be hoping the best for you. I.e. narrow minded bullies can just go hide in a hole.

    All the best,


  • Aha, i was rushing this post when i went through it again it lacked so much intelligence and my punctuation was appalling. i find it quite funny how that bothered me the most .

    Thank you so much for your response , i did speak to my mum about ti today again and she did say she'd try and get me someone to speak to ..we'll see if that happens .

    Aha , we actually could cross paths in the future , though we believe the world to be huge and vast it's quite common to meet someone you'd never thought you'd see randomly.

    Thanks again :)

  • Hello Messedup

    I have read your script and would advise you talk to your GP, you do not need to have your Mother tagging on, if this is what you want. You are seventeen so you are able to take medical advice in your own right. All will be confidential.

    Many people on this site will relate in some ways to your past, generally like in your case you were not brought up, you were dragged up and you need to explain that to someone who can take your past and help you come to terms with it and help you find a solid way forward. They will be able to give advice on how to carry your life forward. It is unfortunate you will be unable to forget what happened although it can be possible for you to come to terms with all that has gone on over the years.

    Talk to your GP, it is sad that some parents can really mess up their children lives.

    We are always around here for a chat

    Good Luck


  • Is it just a phase? Well from what your saying, Your feelings are due to your life events which is understandable, so hopefully its not a chemical in-balance but never the less it doesn't mean that your not suffering from depression, there are different forms. Best person to ask is your doctor..

    Always remember, the kids that bully other children deep down hate themselves or have bad home lives. They put you down to lift themselves up, its not right but really its quite a sad cycle. So when you think about all the bad things they said remember it wasn't about you, it was about them..being immature children trying to vent their own problems. And i promise you majority of the children that acted like that in school will really regret that in a few years when they become adults and have children themselves.

    Also, you said your mother isnt happy about the whole depression idea, she may feel it reflects badly on her, kinda like an insult to her parenting. Of course its not your mothers fault, and its not your fault you feel like this. Open communication is best, let her know you love her but there are things your struggling with and feel you may need professional help.

    And at age 17 without any professional help you've already been bright enough to pin point where your problems stem from and then break down to work out why you feel this way or what causes you to act in certain ways. That's good progress!

    All you need now is coping techniques and definitely some confidence building classes. Toying with other peoples emotions just to make yourself feel better isn't fair, you know that yourself. When you have confidence in yourself you wont feel the need to have unnecessary attention.

    Some ideas..

    Before i got ill, exercise really helped me. It releases a happy chemical naturally called serotonin. Also will help you feel more confident in yourself. You can exercise in your bedroom you don't even need to go to a gym if you don't want to.

    Also meditation is very helpful if your having repetitive unwanted thoughts, it can help you gain more control over your thoughts and feelings. Although it does take practice.

    A healthy diet, super foods are the best foods. They can really help lift your spirits if your not eating right & give you more energy.

    A Plan of action, having something to focus on that will positively impact your life. Weather its college, or a hobby. At least then when negative thoughts do happen you can try to think about the positive steps your taking towards having a happier life.

    I hope this helps, one last thing..the doctors hand out anti-depressants like there sweets these days. And some of these drugs can make things alot worse, don't jump into taking these drugs. Try to try all the natural ways first, but if things are really bad by all means get your self a prescription but majority will make you feel like your not yourself. And have a long list of possible nasty side effect, please save it as your last option. Talk therapy, exercise and healthy eating may do you the world of good.

    I hope things work out for you and you get the help you need :-)

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