Hi, im Anastasia or Ana i'm 17 and from England and i honestly believe that i'm suffering from depression but, my mum doesn't believe in all that or , she thinks i don't have the right to feel the way i do only she and my two older siblings do . When we lived in nigeria my parents were famous everything was great. My mum brought my dad out of poverty , as she was a successful model and actress , she encouraged him to be a director etc. they were together for 16 years... after a couple of years my dad started drinking , smoking and sleeping around . I'm the second youngest , and when she was pregnant with my younger brother , she was about to give birth at 2am at night , there were no hospitals around and she had to craw under a 3 foot gate in order to find help. Luckily a woman saw her and took her to a "hospital" that hadn't been finished , there was no roof or anything -- turns out my dad was in a hotel with my mums best friend . it was common knowledge that he slept with everyone in the movie industry . My mum had a terrible childhood also . Me and my younger brother came to london in 2004 for a holiday , leaving my dad and older siblings behind ( he pushed us to go ) . Little did we know that he married my mums friend who he was openly having an affair with in our house 3 months later . He kicked out my brother and sister in nigeria and they've been there for 12 years. He left us with 30 pounds . we were homeless for so long , my mum took up so many jobs and as it turns out , she even became an escort . she told me this last year. We for a short period of time slept on benches, i remember one night a priest took pity on us and allowed us to stay in his house for as long as we wanted . We often starved and rationed our food , there were countless days where we just ate bread and butter ..whilst my mum went to work from 7am till midnight . My dad called for a year , always telling us he was coming , me and my brother didn't know he had left us . On our birthday ( me and my brother have the same birthday ) i was turning 7 my dad called, i was so excited i was telling him all these great things , for about 30 seconds then he told me to stop talking and just give the phone to my brother . i just cried . why didn't he want me ? why didn't anyone care about what i wanted , how i felt . My mum was great , she's amazing no one could've done what she did , but there are times i feel she never really focused on me because i was doing well in school and i was quiet obedient and just observed .
I have never really thought about my dad till last year , my younger brother hates him though he was only 3 and i was 5 when we came here. I've been sad for such a long time . My mum used to tell me ,since i was at least 6 or 7 i'd say in my sleep that i wanted to die . I was always a quiet and observant child , loved school and learning . Everything was great till i got to secondary school , i was bullied for the 3 years i was there, racist comments thrown at me , bullied on the school bus , told i smelt , that i was ugly ... that was when i began having suicidal. The only reason i never really attacked on them was due to the simple fact that i'm weak . During year 9 i moved schools ( back to London ) i thought this was a new start , i could finally be me, i had made so many new friends but i was wrong . The friends i stood by through everything targeted me one they found someone else to hang with . They spread rumors that i was a witch a devil , on our Spanish trip one of my friends at the time would leave our room ( which o was sharing with two other girls and would lie against me saying i called her ugly or i think i'm all that . She came back one night after having a argument with another friend and told me that it was my fault no one liked me , why everyone thinks i'm a witch , why im hated . I was ready to throw myself through the window . Through out my life i've always been a victim , always hated for some reason by people i don't know . By year 11 everything died down , but a specific girl would constantly say that she hated me because she couldn't understand why everyone thought i was beautiful , smart or funny and that i faked my american accent . ( i have a posh american /English/aussie accent according to everyone i meet ) .. Year 11 was difficult enough my teachers hated me with a passion though i always strove to do better , my morale was at an ultimate low .They made me out to be a deviant which i wasn't , said i talked back , failed me made me out to be inept and incapable of anything . I'm surprised i even passed . I let the bullying and my past with my family affect my education - i let it affect me .
With my dad , i never thought about him , till last year when i realized there's a lot of things i do because of what he did , because of my bullying because of my insecurities . I never really got attention off the opposite sex , then all of a sudden i was "hot" . I've never really cared about boys or relationships hence why I've never dated . However, it seems i derive joy in knowing that someone likes me ( a lot ) even though i know i'll never feel the same way. i don't do it purposely but, i like i think subconsciously being in control of how they feel , because of how destructive my parents relationship was . I don't know how to like someone , i don't love myself .. someone told me the other day that my attitude towards men was appalling- i'm sarcastic , i act like i don't care because i don't know how to feel anything for them. I'm scared mostly to be in a relationship , i'm confused when someone likes me. I'm an adequate human being ...
I've changed from the bubbly person i once was .. i don't know what people want me to be . I'm sarcastic and outlandish that's all good but i'm always mad ,i'm always crying and i just can't seem to fucking breathe . I've repressed everything from a young for so long and i have no one to talk . I want to go into law and i honestly don't know if i can do that , education is the only thing that has kept me sane . I'm beautiful but i feel like a worthless piece of shit .. No one has ever cared for so long I've had to grow up and be independent and have matured so much ... sometimes i think there's nothing left off me and i'm just mimicking the actions and behaviors of everyone else just .. to be.
i've always spoken to online strangers as a way to escape my everyday life , and i think this has made me detach myself from so many people . I'm talking to men almost 5 years or more maybe to compensate , maybe because i know i can manipulate them .
i haven't seen my older siblings in 12 years .. my mum only got a job 2 years ago ( because we were immigrants ) , my sister was going to be sold into a prostitution ring and was raped as a teen ( but my dad covered it up so it didn't ruin his cred as movie producer . My older brother now has HIV due to the conditions he was living in ,in the past .They haven't been to school since they were 15..
This only covers about 10% of everything that has happened in my life, if i wrote more we'd be here for a week. There's only so much i can say in this post but i suppose this will have to do . I've been crying whilst writing this , and just remembered that my older siblings are actually my step-bro/sis ( only told this 3 years ago ) . Also from an abusive marriage .
I dont know if this means anything but i seem to remember being in a room with a man at least 40 , i looked about 5 and he's touching me , it's only until my mum calls me that everything blurs out . I've never been sure as to whether this was a dream or really happened .
are my feelings just a phase?