What next?

Hi guys, some of you may know from my previous post about finding out my partner was on a dating site or what he liked to call it a "chat site". It's been a few weeks now since I found out and I thought we were very slowly moving on and everything was okay until I realised that we'll actually, it's not going to be that easy especially when I see him liking photos of these "dream girls". Now I know it's a mega crappy thing is Facebook but I was never bothered about stuff like that until this happened before Christmas. It's made me realise I need to think about this relationship. He has destroyed every trace of confidence I ever had and worked up on since my breakdown in 2011. I'm currently sitting in bed at quarter to 4 in the morning and I'm up for work at half 6 all because I'm feeling so down and insecure. I'm thinking about staying with a friend for a few days just to clear my head and see if it will work out etc. I love him with all my heart but I know in myself I can't stay with him if I can't get over it. This kind of betrayal is massive for me, mentally. Even though nothing got physical. It's still breaking boundaries. I've been wanting to cut myself again for these past few days and have refrained from doing it because I know if I do, that'll be it. All the hard work I've done since my break down will be gone and I don't want to disappoint myself like that. I need that confidence back. I need to feel like I'm good enough. I need to feel like I'm sexy again because right now, the only thing I'm seeing is no way back. I'm falling apart and I feel every little piece of me hitting the ground and its killing me.

7 Replies

  • Your recovery from your breakdown is far more important than your partner's crummy betrayal. Don't lose your recovery for someone who can't be faithful!! The failure is your partner's, not yours! NOT YOURS! Stand tall and sure of yourself because you are not the unfaithful one.

    YES, you are hurting, but you did nothing wrong. You did not fail. You are still the person you were when you felt good about yourself, aren't you? Yes, you are. Have you changed? NO. You are still faithful to your partner and yourself. STAY that way...faithful to yourself, that is. What you decide about your partner is up to you.

    Of course you are hurting now, but this too will pass. Keep listening to people who tell you that. IT WILL PASS. The pain will ease up. You'll soon feel all together again and you'll start feeling whole again. Haven't you seen it happen before? It happens to other people and it happens to you, too. Each day it gets a little easier. One day at a time. This will pass and you will heal. God bless you now and forever.

  • Hi,

    As Sue has rightly said. Its not you who has done anything wrong. You have been a loyal partner. Don't allow his mental betrayal affect you. Don't go back to cutting - your allowing his actions to cause this is awful.

    Keep your head up, carry on looking and acting gorgeous! Let him see what a fabulous person he already has - without looking at these stupid sites. But also - let him know that what he has done has caused hurt, Let him know that you were almost thinking of cutting, Let him know that HIS actions could have undone a lot of YOUR hard work.


  • Hello here my heart goes out to you! My daughter and her 2 teenage daughters are going thru the same pain as you! They have huge trust issues now and are very damaged, I wish my daughter had left 17 years ago when he was first unfaithful. It would have been over and done with when they were babies but she thought she could "make him better" . Unfortunately a leopard never changes his spots he just moves them around. My daughter asked me about 3 months ago " when does the heart pain" go away. Well I am pleased to say she is beginning to be able to move on.

    As Suesz said IT IS NOT YOU, but they seem to transfer guilt. You have done incredibly well in healing yourself, don't let anyone take that away. Believe in your self, lean on your friends and stand strong. Xx

  • Thank you all for your kind words. They have given me happiness reading I'm not alone with this experience. I used to be beaming full of confidence and now I'm just not because of what's happened. I can't prove he was on it for longer he said, whether he sent photos or not because I never read a chat with them in. All I know was he was chatting up other women and asking to exchange pictures, calling them the pet names which called me all of that crap really. I need to give my head a wobble because I can't keep feeling like this. It'll destroy me. I've come to terms with the fact we might break up or get better. Either one, I'm fine with because I know my conscience is clear.

  • Are you comfortable with someone who dabbles with relationships with other women? I thought it hurt you. Now you sound like you are willing to accept that this will happen if you 2 stay together. Is it really okay with you that if you stay together he may be calling other women on the internet or wherever by the pet names he uses for you? Isn't this what you said or am I getting this wrong?

    Of course your conscience is clear, but you aren't a doormat for him to walk all over and abuse. He should be with you and no one else gets his attention, period. You are worth that. You will always be worth that. I hope I'm just hearing you wrong about sharing his attention. I'm thinking he's not worthy of you. he can't seem to be a one woman man. Every decent woman deserves a one woman man.

    You've done a lot of work on yourself and this guy may not be worth you falling apart for. Please be very careful and guard your heart. Your heart is a treasure to be given to that special, one woman man who will cherish and love you and appreciate all the work you've done to become the person you are today. The right guy may even have gone through some of the same problems and had to grow in the same ways and thus he may REALLY understand what you've been through. Look for that jewel in the right man and you'll know you've found him after you get to know each other. Best wishes and God bless.

  • Hi lovely lady.

    You really don't deserve that. Despite the fact that he knew about your past and that you were trying to rebuild your spirit, he's made you feel even worse.

    You do not need friends like that. l hope you have other people in your life who you can rely on , who will not let you down, and who do have your best interests at heart.

    Only you can decide to move on -and away- from this weak man.

    You will get support on this site, be strong and believe in yourself.

    All the best X

  • Feel your pain hunni  just found out the same about my partner  feel so awful   panic attacks through the roof   i hope you are better now?

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