Living in regret and sadness

I just need to make this post because it is killing me inside. I am already on the list for counselling as i am on antidepressants and that. I am 21 years old and a few days ago I lost my virginity to a boy who is my friend. It was unexpected and it just escalated after a night out but I am feeling very sad, ashamed and in regret now. My best friend doesn't like him because he gets with a lot of girls...and I never ever had the thought of sleeping with him. When I did tell her, she got so disappointed with me and was like you wanted it to be special (which I always said I did) and now you have lost it with him...I have not stopped crying and I have lost my appetite because of this. I feel like I betrayed her and that she is ashamed of me. I am not slutty but I am so annoyed that I was a virgin and happy for long and now I can't take that back and I feel disgusting. My best friend lost it to her boyfriend who she loves and now I feel like a mess. I really need support as this has upset me so so much :(

16 Replies

  • Your friend should be helping you through this not judging you...most people who are judging others are actually lacking in something themselves ..

    ok you made a mistake we all have done it and its not the end of the world trust me it really isnt..

    Dont cry about her and dont cry about him...wipe your face get your makeup on and hold your head up kid you have done nothing wrong its your life you are entitled to your own mistakes and its not a big one ive done a lot worse...

    Have a chat with someone who is a true friend x x x x

  • Why do you feel disgusting? Is it because you had a bad experience or is it because you are taking on board the judgements of someone who professes to be your friend but who is being unkind and unsupportive of you? Judging this friend of your because he has a lot of partners is no better than your friend judging you. Just practise safe sex.

    What is more important is how you feel about the way it happened. Was your (boy) friend caring with you? Did you both treat each other with respect? Did you take precautions against pregnancy? Was it your choice? If the answers are yes then what is there to regret, but I would suggest you think carefully about your friendship with this girl if she is deliberately putting you down over this.

    If the answers were no, then maybe there are lessons to be learned, and maybe a quick visit to the clinic for some advice and tests, and choices to make about your friendship with this boy.

    Don't be embarrassed either way though. You have the right to experience sex, and if it is not with a long term partner, but a friend, then that is nothing to be ashamed of. You are quite old enough to make your own decisions, and take responsibility for your own actions.

  • It wasn't a bad experience.. He knew I was a virgin and he was very gentle with me and guided me... He does admit that he has got with lots of girls but it is how my friend has put it that is upsetting me.. she's my best friend and she said she is with me bad decision or good but I am afraid incase she judges me now and doesn't trust me :(

  • I think you were lucky to have someone who cared for you to help you through your first time.

    Now get on with your life, and don't look back.

  • Dosnt trust you in what way ? It wasn't her boyfriend who you slept with so what difference should it make to her ..It sounds to me like she is a little controlling here and perhaps a little jealous

  • Hey girl!! What you worrying about? It's your life not your friends if she don't like it tough luck!! Don't put yourself down you can't change it now what's done is done! Like someone said put your make up on put your hair in a top knot and love life 😘

  • don't let this upset you.

    when you meet the right one, that first time will not matter, it will be special for you because then you will be making love, not just having sex, however pleasant .

    You are your own person, you are growing up (yes, even at 21 !) you owe your friend no explanation, nor do you need her consent or approval.

    you did nothing to be ashamed of, we can all act on impulse, you harmed no-one.

    It was one of life's experiences.

    I'm hoping you were not coerced, pressured into having sex? & that you used protection?

    Is it possible that your friend was just a little shocked or surprised? maybe your upset led you to mis-judge her reaction? she might have reacted because she knew you wanted to wait , (perhaps she worried that this boy had "taken advantage" but couldn't ask) because she cares for you?

    If not and she is disapproving, then it's just that she is immature and has no right to take that attitude.

    Dr Phil McGraw quotes -

    "You can't change the past, but you can change how it affects your future.

    "step out of yesterday and into your future" with your head held high.

    You did something normal.

    Imagine if I had written your words. Would you be as hard on me as you seem to be with yourself?

    thinking of you,

    hamble x

  • I love Phil McGraw he is fab..

    One of my favorite quotes of his is....."If you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always got"

  • Some terrific advice here, so please DO take it.

    Your so-called "best friend" is NO friend to you least of all "best". "Best friends" don't make each other feel like rubbish ESpecially to friends who are ALready depressed and awaiting counselling. From time-to-time they may not agree with certain things that friends may do, but I believe they should be there to support ANYway preferably in a caring and understanding manner as befitting the "best friends" relationship.

    To me, you sweet girl should feel "disappointed " in her and not the other way 'round. She KNOWS you the person. She should have taken your explanation regarding what happened and how it happened at face value and then offered her unconditional support regardless of how she felt about it, the guy or you. THAT'S what true best friends do darlin'.

    Instead she gave you grief about something that is essentially NONE of her business ANYway. For all you know, she may (or may not) fancy him herself regardless of whether or not she's in a relationship. Have you thought of that possible scenario?

    Food for thought:

    Hypothetically, let's just say that the young man in question was someone who didn't have many past girlfriends or was someone she didn't know or even a someone she liked as a friend. Not that it really matters, but do you think she would still feel the same way about what happened? Also, did her boyfriend have sexual partners before meeting her?

    At the end of the day, what happened, happened. The guy in question was gentle and presumably didn't just think of his own needs. Please don't allow your friend's highly questionable attitude to cloud your memory of the experience. Instead, focus on yourself and try to heal from depression.

    Enjoy your life and live it to the best of your ability. As you get older, please try not to dwell too much on the opinions of others, because if you do , you'll be setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain.

  • Hi

    I am so sorry that your friend has not been supportive of you. It is really hard when your friend does not agree with something you have done.

    It sounds as if it was really important to you. I think that sometimes we imagine how something will be and it rarely matches up.

    When you do find someone to love and who loves you, it will still be a first. It will be the first time with them. It may even take the pressure off as there will not be such high expectations.

    Sometimes things do not happen the way we plan them. It does not make it wrong, just different. It is a shame that your friend did not tell you that.

    I wonder how you felt about it before you spoke to her.

    One of the most important things is that you were safe. Did you use protection? If you did not then understand it can happen. You are not the only person who did not think of it in the heat of the moment. It is important to get checked out though if you didn't.

    I am so sorry you are feeling down right now. I really wish you well.


  • Don't feel disgusted you have done nothing to be ashamed off .and don't be upset he is not worth your tears are worth so much more than that .also if she's a true freind she would respect your choices .and never judge you over it we have all done things we regret when we was young you just learn .from it .im not judging you but your freind should be supportive of your choices .if she was a real friend she should be there for you no matter what that isn't a good freind and why on anti depressants for it just wondering .don't like this ruin your life I'm sure when you met the right guy it will be special.stay strong we have all been there when was was young .its your life you make your own decisions If your freind does not like it that's tough luck .dont take any notice of her she's probley just wasn't expecting that to happen .never feel bad about it don't let this affect you hold your head up high . have you been freinds with this guy for long .did you take precautions are you on the pill because if not you should get the after pill how long ago did you sleep .with Him was it recently or months ago .also you shouldn't stop eating this will do you no good please don't worry over it .not all freinds are supportive if she cannot be there for you need better freinds .

  • I am a bit worried about the level of animosity about your friend here. Assuming she is of a similar age to you, it is unrealistic to expect her to be perfect either. Hopefully you can forgive her for her whatever she has done to make you feel bad, and move on with your friendship, as you hope others will forgive you for your lapses of judgment. I hope you have gained encouragement form the messages on here to make you own decisions though. Best of luck, xx

  • Jroo1, I have a friend similar to this who judges me for my decisions. She is also my best friend and now lives with me, it can be so hard to put up with and some times it honestly drives me crazy. If you still want to be her friend however, you need to believe in yourself... if you are a good person (which it sounds like you are!) then you need to remind yourself of that! you haven't done anything wrong and you cannot live by your friends morals but your own. What works for me with my friend is just telling her to shutup basically and to keep her judgments to herself but if you don't feel like you can do this, then perhaps it's time to re-think your friendship. If you are putting in more than she is and aren't getting support through this rough time then she doesn't sound worth it...

  • Hi Smarties,

    You sound like you know how to set and maintain your boundaries, and most importantly, recognise where people are overstepping the mark. This is such an important thing to know. I have trouble with this myself, and it has been the death of many a relationship.

    One thing that is so common among people with poor boundaries is a family background where people did not demonstrate respect for each other. This can lead to abuse in extreme situations, or poor inter-family relationships where one person can become overbearing towards others. Coming from this type of family, one can fail to see and correct intrusive behaviour in our friends at the time it happens, but you still deep down know it is not ok, which then leads to self-hate for allowing it.

    Instead of being judgmental of ourselves, we need to learn how to manage such situations. Telling an over bearing friend to 'shut up' is one way, and is clear, concise and to the point. Can anyone here offer other ways which work for them?

  • Sorry for your situation. There is a lot of good advice been given to you here I hope it has helped.

    You say the boy is a friend and that it was unexpected after a night out. I am not judging you or your friend, but if you didn’t use protection and he’s been know to see other girls you might want to have a chat to your doctor or someone at a health clinic.

    So sorry your friend was so angry about this. It’s harder sometimes if you are on antidepressants to here upsetting things as it can sometimes be escalated. It is good that you are on a list to get counselling.

    For now what you need to do is take a deep breath and try not to be so hard on yourself. It’s happened and you can’t take it bad. Were you so upset about the fact that you had slept with this boy before you told your friend.

    You say like you’ve betrayed your friend. Sorry but this may sound harsh, but you haven’t betrayed her it’s your body and as long as you weren’t coerced into anything then that is okay. Have you spoken to the boy since that night?

    Please try and think about this objectively. Did you enjoy it? Are you ashamed because of how your friend has spoken to you?

    I agree with other who have said that when that special person comes along it will feel like the first time.

    If your friend keeps mentioning it you should let her know that she needs to stop because she is upsetting you. It’s your life and best friends should be there to support you when you need it not continually lecture you.

    Now you need to get on with your life and back to normal days.

    Please make sure you eat, get exericse and sleep. We all need this but it is more important when we are unwell.

    Please take some of the advise you’ve been given.

    Take care and look after yourself.

  • Jroo1, Look at what you can change, not what you can't. You seem to be judging yourself based on other peoples lifes, remember you are a very special and unique individual, have a look at your posotives there will be lots.

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