My wife hates me ?

My wife thinks I'm doing all sorts of things behind her back and conspiring against her, what can I do ? We constantly argue about this and now she wants to leave and says she will never believe me and that I am one big liar and that I've been and am still doing things to " take the piss out of her"

She thinks that I'm controlling what she can do on the Internet and her phone and that I'm stealing everything of hers on her PC, that I'm doing all sorts of things in the house, making holes in things etc, hiding things, leaving things about or layed about that have some hidden meaning, even that they are pointing in a certain direction for some reason. When I tell her that I wouldn't do any of these things to her her the way everything seems to be hurting her, she point blank doesn't believe me, calls me a big liar, tells me she absolutely hates me more than anything. I could keep going on about all the things she says I'm doing against her but my question or request for help would go on too long. We've been married for just over 27 years and been together for over 32 years altogether, I have never been unfaithful and although I know I'm not perfect have always tried to be a good husband. We have 2 children who are in their 20's who are both aware of the situation and wish it would all get sorted out. I do too, but I've tried everything ( I think ) possible to get her to believe that it isn't me at all and tell her that I think she is depressed and needs to talk to someone about what she is accusing me of, it would have to be someone who doesn't know me either, as she thinks I'm trying to get everybody against her.

She means everything to me and it's breaking my heart to see what is happening to her and to think that she thinks I could do anything like this to hurt her.

Some 12 or 13 years ago I nearly lost her when she suffered a massive heart attack and recently lost her mother who suffered with Alzheimer's for 15 years who she cared for every day. I tell her that I think all these things have been a lot for her to contend with and she should see the doctor to get help. She takes this all the wrong way and thinks I am saying she has got a mental problem.

Can someone please help.

14 Replies

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  • If she has had a personality change the fact that her mum had Alzheimer's has got to be the elephant in the room...if i were you i would make an appointment with your gp and tell them whats going on with her and ask their advice

    It could be also be stress , grief and other things going on with her but i think you should have a chat with a professional and get their opinion then you can tackle it with some information behind you which will make a difference

  • Thanks very much for your reply Mandy. I have thought of seeing our GP but have been waiting to see him when I have felt as though I was being disloyal to my wife, as though I was doing something behind her back, so I've cancelled lol. I am however, at the point now where something has definitely got to be done. Thanks for bringing that back into play for me. Can you tell me your thoughts on why you think that her mam having Alzheimer's was the 'elephant in the room' because I've had my worries about everything.

    Kind regards

    Steve.

  • Hi Steve

    As her mum had Alzheimer she may be scared she is showing symptoms of it and is scared and angry......Im no Gp and could be very wrong but i would definitely speak with your GP your not being disloyal there Steve your taking care of her and as a husband thats your role ,,,i think it needs to be alimented if nothing else.

    Chat with your Gp see what they say then tackle it from there..It must have been hard for her taking care of her mum and she is grieving and could be depressed and there could be other things going on but how long do you wait for her to get better on her own ?

  • Thankyou Mandy, you are absolutely right and that's exactly what I will do then. Like you said, how long do I wait ?

    Thanks very much love xx

  • I hope things get better for you all soon.

    Happy new year x

  • Thankyou, I hope so too it's killing me seeing her like this.

    Happy new year to you too xxx

  • Sometimes in life you have to do what you think is right for the person you care about, even if it makes you look bad. As long as you have good intentions it will hopefully work out ok. If your wife is suffering and the GP can help her, then she may be glad you were brave enough to take this step. You cannot shirk your responsibility to your wife out of fear. Just be honest and stick to the facts, without exaggeration. Try to keep a diary leading up to the appointment, and be open minded about the cause. It could possibly be just a matter of your wife having got the wrong idea about you, or a 'friend' winding her up, or she could be ill, but you will not sort out anything by hiding from it.

  • Thanks very much for your reply. You are right in everything you have said, I have actually been writing things down, not everything as there would be too much. But I found an old book that I had written things down in years ago and I have noticed that around 10 to 12 years ago not long after her heart attack, I have written almost the exact same things down that I have done when it all started this time around 8 months ago. But last time she managed to pull out of it herself or so I thought, because this time she has said that it has never left her from the last time, she's just been trying to piece it all together like a big jigsaw.

    I would like to mention this to you aswell as everybody else who hopefully read this, that after my wife had had her heart attack and was still in hospital, I did ask one of the nurses what I could expect to possibly happen in the future, one of the things she did mention was that a lot of the patients in recovery from a heart attack do suffer from nervous breakdown due to denial, not believing they had had a heart attack. How true this is, I don't know, but did consider this as the reason for how she was before. This time seems so similar in the things she has said but she has also had the death of her mam to contend with.

    I do think that seeing the HP is my only way forward now, hopefully it will lead to the help I know she needs.

    Thankyou very much for giving my request for help your kind attention.

    Kind regards

    Steve.

  • Hello Stevie

    Sometimes when a person has dementia, they can suffer from talking out of turn about someone That happened with my Father who even in the early stages would talk out of turn about my Mother, this happened earlier on although it got worse when He was in His late fifties, early, mid sixties. The attitude he had was passed down to me and had negative affects toward my wife as the whole thing became worse and worse. So I then began not trusting my wife as I was been sort of brainwashed by the constant attacks. Eventually my Mother who had found what my Father was doing began to blame me for the venom. That was one of the reasons we did not have children

    This partly did not help with the relationship with my Mother.

    All I can advise is that you both talk to Marriage Guidance also your GP and then work it from there. I do not know the situation you are in fully, all I do know Dementia can bring about many problems for family members. This of course may not be the case

    You need to find out if possible where the Mother was coming from in the past as that could be coming back now.

    Your Wife had been ill with her heart and also loosing Her Mother could have had negative affects on your relationship.

    BOB

  • Hi Bob, Thankyou for sharing this with me, I hope things pick up for you too. I will be mentioning this to the doctor when I see him Once again thanks for giving my problems your kind attention.

    Steve.

  • Hello. I think that you both would benefit from couple's counselling by a psychologist who has extensive experience in family therapy.

    Gauge your wife's mood before you ask her views on the idea. If she says no or is threatened by the idea, then don't push the issue.

    Based on your post, your wife appears to be displaying signs of paranoia and the reason for that needs to be fully ascertained both medically and psychologically. Is she still mourning the loss of her mother? How is the relationship between her and the children? Do they get treated the same way or just you? What about a few years ago ... was the onus on you only?

    I think that you all need to pull together and work collectively as a family unit and work not only proactively, but most importantly, openly on finding solutions to this situation. If you're going to see your GP, then it would be wise to take one of the children with you.

    Best wishes.

  • Hi

    Something is wrong, definitely. When someone needs help, but can't see it themselves I guess it is up to the people around them to get them the help they need. It also sounds really hard on you right now.

    I don't think any amount of telling her you are not doing something will help right now. Try asking what makes her think that, it will give you some idea of what is going on for her.

    It sounds as if it has been a really hard time for you both. I wonder about you getting some help for yourself.

    Ally

  • Hello

    I had to get help for my ex parent who has now died. I say ex because I have disowned her, even if it was after death.

    The Doctor called out, without my ex parent knowing that he would. She was assessed.

    I had to call the Doctor and explain the whole situation. The Mental Health Team became involved.

    Your wife may go ballistic at you for calling the Doctor, but you can tell her that you are very worried for her, that you love her and you want her to get better and so on.

    To me, from what you describe, your wife sounds like she is unwell mentally and becoming or is paranoid. She sounds to me like she needs professional help. If you don't get help for her, who knows what she could end up doing. She could become much worse too.

    If your wife became physically unwell or had an accident, you would get help, and you have to do the same if she is mentally unwell.

    What you have written on here, needs to be told to your wife's doctor.

    Please get her some help

    Thinking of you, as it must be very difficult for you too.

  • Difficult one this. Yes you are trying to help her but that is not the way she sees it would suggest that she really does need help. She has had a really bad time lately and you are doing well in supporting her as much as you can. She needs help. So do you. Could you go to your doctor and get advice ,as they will have dealt with this type of situation before ?

    l wish you well with this.

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