I started to get over him, after a while, I started feeling better. Then one night I felt uneasy and I couldn't sleep I can't even tell what it is, just that I started feeling despair and sadness. I thought I was crazy, I don't want to feel this way, I don't choose to feel this way. And the prospect of feeling like this for years and years about someone who I am unable to have a relationship with frightens the life out of me. I see a psych for this for counseling and anxiety and depression medication. He was a great manipulator and always playing lying to me on a daily basis, but when he was nice, he was really nice and loving except his manipulative tendencies. I don't understand how you can have such deep and passionate feelings about someone and not be with them? I miss the touch of his skin, his scent, his beautiful body and face, his charming smile he always smelled good and dressed nice.. never had bad breath. Teeth was clean ..he doesn't smoke and takes care of his body.. he has a great smile he is funny smart and romantic and I remember all the good memories spent together. Sometimes I even hallucinate expecting him to knock on my door suddenly, I have vivid dreams about us only to wake up and to find that he is not next to me hugging me and I just break down crying. I just black out completely and have a mental breakdown because I remember how happy I was, when I was with him. Now, it's a complete loneliness and emptiness and a state of neverending up and down depression. Sometimes I wake up and I wish that I would just fall asleep next time and never wake up again. I go out with friends a lot, I did what everything is supposed to do after bad break ups: lots of hobbies, new friends, adventures, holidays abroad, new haircut, new clothes, bought lots of make-up, changed my appearance completely, widened my social circle of friends, been to so many amazing countries and restaurants and bars. This might bring you temporary satisfaction for couple of hours whenever you meet with friends, but it will never compare to the strong emotions and feeling you have felt when you were with the person you love the most... I could just go to the park with him and just talk and feel million times better than going out with friends and spending 100's on shopping. I don't feel at all interested in starting with a new guy. I am still very much in love with my ex and I am afraid also that I will not be able to move on. That I may just exist and go through the motions to try to be happy without him in my life. Anyways, no one should feel pathetic for falling in love. It is not easy to unlove someone. Just struggling to cope living every day without him. He was a sociopath, cheated all the time, lies, manipulation, all sorts of deceiving tendencies, but when he was nice, I have never felt so happy in my life like before. Nothing can bring me more excitement or joy than the moments which I have spent with him. It's just so hard move on and keep hanging onto the past and the memories which we shared together, because reality is terrible for me. I live with regret and the deepest sadness. I'm trying to remember the negatives in our relationship and trying my very best to turn that love into forget. I try each day to smile and keep an open mind. I realize, however, that this loss of love has left me in a depressed state. Sort of wish I never met him. It saddens me so much to think about how I could be alone forever and never feel the same way again. I have tried really, really hard to heal myself and get over him by therapy, writing out feelings, trying to convince myself he wasn't that special, filling my life with friends/hobbies etc but none of it has truly worked long-term. I have reached a point where it's hard to even imagine meeting someone I will feel so strongly about ever again. Some days are ok and I feel more positive; others are really hard, especially when there are specific reminders or I have a vivid dream about him. I wake up from these dreams with an overwhelming sadness weighing me down. It's amazing how fresh the grief can still feel sometimes, despite the fact it's been months. I know I could never go back there because whilst the feelings and the passion of the relationship were so intense, it was also toxic and I knew it would destroy me if I didn't get out. It was awful because I didn't want him back, but it's as if my feelings got stuck in a compartment in my heart separate from the rest of my body, separate from common sense. It sucks. I have good days, then I have days like today. I don't want him back, I just want him out of my cell memory. Out of my heart because he treated me bad, so why do I still care so much? It's funny, I really like the person I am becoming, just wish that stuck part didn't exist. It's blocking love from my life. And it exists all the time. I felt something when we were intimate, I've never felt that with my exes before him or anyone else. We went through so much pain and so much love. He mentally and emotionally abused me and broke my heart then and there and i knew i was never going to get anything more from the relationship than what it was, so I walked away. we had one of those break up to make up relationships.