I haven't posted on anything like this before and to be honest I'm not very good at talking about my personal problems to people so this seems like a good anonymous format to try out, because I know talking about things helps but for some reason I find it hard to initiate and feel almost embarrassed about my feelings.
It's been the hardest year of my life for me. I'm 22 and I know I've got my whole future ahead of me, but my mental state is really holding me back and shrouding everything in darkness. I've always been a bit of an introvert and pessimist and have suffered from bouts of depression in the past. I have always been in denial about them and have never discussed it with anybody. I've got great friends and a family that support me with everything I do but despite all this I still feel suicidal at times and I'm getting desperate now.
Earlier this year I quit a respectable job position because I couldn't handle the stress of it anymore. I shouldn't be too hard on myself because it was a fast paced job in the PR world and I am studying an English degree with the Open University alongside working and I was having great difficulty handling the two. My boss at the time was very hard and would reduce the staff to tears. I can see that now but at the time I did feel absolutely useless and did feel so bad that I contemplated just getting drunk and jumping off a cliff. Thankfully my girlfriend at the time and family were very supportive with my decision to leave and concentrate on my studies. They knew how down I was feeling but I never shared the severity of my feelings.
Summer was good and it felt like I had a plan with my life. I would concentrate on completing my degree to the best of my ability, get a part time job, spend loads of time with my girlfriend, write and perform music (I'm a musician) which I am very passionate about and do some freelance writing too where I set up an online magazine. All of that was going really well. Then of the blue my girlfriend left me. We had been together for over two years and had lived together for nearly two years. After leaving my job I had to move back with my parents as I could no longer afford to live out which was a massive decision for me, something that I regret now. She told me at the time and now that moving away from her was not an issue, she just didn't love me the same way anymore and wasn't sure why. She also said that leaving me was the hardest decision she has ever made and was the worst time of her life. Saying things like that has just kept me hanging on to false hope ever since.
That was nearly three months ago and I have become incredibly depressed and suicidal in the weeks that followed. She was my first love and best friend so it is hard. I told her we could not talk anymore but after nearly three weeks she reached out to me via text and we have talked a little bit since. I asked if she would like to meet up and she agreed to after her university term ends in a couple of weeks (there is no long distance issue here by the way as I live about 30mins away). Anyway this has just made me feel worse unfortunately and I still can't come to terms with what has happened. It was not long before the breakup that we were discussing our future together as we always have done.
I think the underlying thing with all this though is that I have always been hard on myself and was depressed before the breakup. I sometimes think that I neglected her in times of great personal stress and anxiety and that makes me hate myself. I'm sure that is why she fell out of love for me. Abandoning a full time job and flat to studying and living at home with my parents is really tough and feels like a massive step backwards, too. I have a lot still going for me in life but I wake up in the morning in a great deal of mental pain to the point where I wish I would not wake up. I have lost interest in the things I love most. I have abandoned my freelance projects and music career and my grades are going down the pan. This is only adding to my stress and despair but I feel as though I am in a vicious cycle that cannot be escaped. I love my family and friends and I feel bad about feeling this way, almost as though I am ungrateful for what I do have. However it pains me to think about what I have lost over the past few months. Sometimes I think maybe I just find it harder to deal with mental issues than other people.
I know the hurdles that I have faced this year happen to everyone but I am getting so frustrated that I cannot handle the pain associated with them. I don't want to die, I just want these feelings to go away. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks.