I've been off the radar a bit so I just thought I'd check in and give some updates. About a fortnight ago now things got very bad, I took nearly a whole week off of uni as I just couldn't make myself leave my flat. Every concern in my life seemed to multiply and I began to feel that I was drowning and that no one could hear me. Things then got progressively worse as I was so behind in my course work. I met with my GP however and whilst it was a very upsetting and long appointment, it was fruitful. He referred me to a therapist practice in my town and they contacted me the week after. I spoke with a therapist on the phone for about half an hour, this conversation was also very upsetting, but for the best. After speaking with me, she concluded that my depression (if that is what I have) is mainly linked to self-esteem issues. Which, at first, I didn't agree with as I feel that the way I view myself now is much better than it's ever been. She went on to explain however, that the rejection that I received at the end of highschool (relationship wise and career wise) caused me to develop the need to go out of my way to please people and a fear of upsetting other people. This makes sense, particularly in regards to my anxieties over quitting my current job. Anyway, I received a letter in the mail a couple of days later stating that I had been put on a waiting list to receive cognitive behavioural therapy, hoping to start before christmas.
I think everything is going to be quite rough to start off with. Speaking with my GP and the therapist on the phone was very difficult and I felt very down after both occurrences. Unearthing all of these suppressed feelings makes me feel like I am 17 again and completely alone. Despite all the support I have received from my family and boyfriend, I do feel very alone. I think this is because I haven't analysed or really dealt with any of the feelings I know I will have to speak about with my therapist- I know you'll all understand what I mean when I say that no one understands. I'm hoping to change that though and I'm definitely feeling hopeful for the future.
Thankyou all for your support and advice, if I can ever return the favour please let me know x