I've been on this forum a few times now. I first started reading these posts when i was feeling really down. It helped to know there are people out there who feel as bad as i do. Maybe that's selfish but it's true.
This is the first time i'm posting because tonight just reading other people's posts doesn't feel like enough. I broke up with my girlfriend today. It was a long distance, 'Met her in the summer' type relationship and i decided it was probably better in the long term to end things now rather than to drag it out and to get really hurt further down the line.
This isn't the first time i've felt like this. I'm 22 now, going through high school i was picked on and never fit in. I was always sad, lonely and didn't see the point in living anymore. At the end of sixth form i was in a relationship and everything was looking sunny and bright. I was looking forward to going to uni and leaving the lonliness and everything else behind. My girlfriend at the time stayed in my home town while i spent the first year at uni. It was awful. I cried myself to sleep occassionally, didn't have many friends and didn't want any friends. I ended up dropping out and moving back to my home town just as my girlfriend was moving to the city i went to uni at. She spent a year at uni while i went through periods of employment and unemployment and also periods of feeling happy and gloomy. these feelings were getting worse and worse until eventually after working at a summer job i decided i couldn't deal with her anymore so i left her. i spent the autumn and the winter jobless back living with mum. i felt like i had nothing. no job. no girlfriend. all i had was the gym. it was my escape and it seemed to work, i got a job in january which i'm at now, i work with kids which means i'm wearing my happy mask from 9 til 5 most days. i've tried to get more involved with people and make lasting friendships but i'm not good at it. i just want to be alone most of the time and when i need someone to talk to i'm not close enough to anyone.
My latest girlfriend i met in june she was on a summer contract at my work and she was perfect. I asked her out two weeks before she finished work and it went amazingly. she then went back home 250 miles away from me and we saw each other twice since then, the second time being this weekend. Throughout the last couple of months i've still felt unhappy with life and lonely but it helped to be able to remind myself that i have someone to look forward to. She left this afternoon. This morning we talked about being so far apart and that nothing good can come of us being together so we decided to end it. we kissed goodbye and that was it. the end of another relationship forwho knows how long?? Just to top things off i might not have a job in january as the next years contract is linked to passing a driving test.
When i started writing this i was balling my eyes out feeling helpless and alone and even now i'm feeling a lot calmer and hopeful about life. I know that this won't be the last time i feel like this. Maybe next time i have a bad couple of weeks i can look back at this and remind myself that there is an end, i just can't see it.