So I've pretty much to this point dandered through life feeling like a normal happy go lucky guy. But recently somethings changed in me. I've always been quite fearsome of mine and others mortality and the finality of life has always played on my mind but now its dominating.
I've done alright up to this point, currently going through an Open Uni course studying Politics, Economics and Philosophy (the latter not helping my mindset), I've got a decent job and I've got a girl who would do anything for me. A good sense of independence and responsibility. So to a lot of people myself included I've got a lot to be thankful for, right?
For some reason I'm not happy, like seriously unhappy. I've always been skeptical to come on a place like this and bear it all because I've read some of the other stories and compared to that I've got it good!!! So I feel terrible, guilty to even complain.
The point of me writing this is as much for my own clarity as anything else. I can't even structure it, I can't seem to articulate the way I'm feeling from my head to a page or screen in this case. All I know is that I'm not happy in my life right now, I don't feel good enough for my relationship, I don't feel deserving enough of my job and I'm becoming more and more apathetic to my studies.
I'm teetering on the brink of giving this life up and moving back to my parents, and for that I feel so selfish. My quality of life is non existent. I get up, go to work, come home do some cleaning or other mundane "adult" tasks about the house, go to bed, sleep and repeat. And I think thats whats scaring me the most. I've been in my current relationship for 5 years, from the beginning we never spent time apart and its getting to the point of progression, marriage, kids, mortgage. The holy trinity of adult life. And I really don't think I'm ready or prepared. Due to that I feel I'm holding my partner back and its compounding my belief that I'm not good enough for her.
I'm becoming impossible to live with distant, reserved, quiet. Its unfair on my partner for her to live this way.
Depression is funny, you never think it'll happen to you. Especially at 25 with all these people around you that love and care for you. And I didn't accept it for so long. But those around me closest to me have seen the change and put me on to some of the literature around the illness. I think too much and to deeply but this is getting so bad I feel guilty for even admitting I'm depressed because there are so many out there with it so much worse off.
I feel I'm coming across like a spoilt little brat who is throwing his toys out of the pram because he's too afraid to grow up. But the feelings of self loathing I'm developing are crazy. I'm a proud person and I don't like to let anyone down but I can't even face work, I'm just lying in bed wallowing feeling sorry for myself.
I'm at a crossroads in my life, I thought this mid life crisis gear didn't rear its head until at least the 40s. I'm scared that if I walk away I'll live to regret it but I'm scared if I don't change something or if I stay where I am it'll just get worse to the point that I waste her time and make her miss out on the opportunities and experiences I'm not giving her at the minute.
I love this girl but I've stopping choosing her. I'm holding her back and destroying us both and she wants nothing more than me to come back to normality but this sense of helplessness is swallowing me and us. I feel I'm selfish if I stay and selfish if I go. And it all ties into my obsession with the morality of the human condition, I don't want to waste my life by being stuck in this rut.
To all the British/Irish amongst us on this site when I introspect my head is like the weather, stormy and raining constantly.
Feels good to get it out though......