Feelings of helplessness

So I've pretty much to this point dandered through life feeling like a normal happy go lucky guy. But recently somethings changed in me. I've always been quite fearsome of mine and others mortality and the finality of life has always played on my mind but now its dominating.

I've done alright up to this point, currently going through an Open Uni course studying Politics, Economics and Philosophy (the latter not helping my mindset), I've got a decent job and I've got a girl who would do anything for me. A good sense of independence and responsibility. So to a lot of people myself included I've got a lot to be thankful for, right?

For some reason I'm not happy, like seriously unhappy. I've always been skeptical to come on a place like this and bear it all because I've read some of the other stories and compared to that I've got it good!!! So I feel terrible, guilty to even complain.

The point of me writing this is as much for my own clarity as anything else. I can't even structure it, I can't seem to articulate the way I'm feeling from my head to a page or screen in this case. All I know is that I'm not happy in my life right now, I don't feel good enough for my relationship, I don't feel deserving enough of my job and I'm becoming more and more apathetic to my studies.

I'm teetering on the brink of giving this life up and moving back to my parents, and for that I feel so selfish. My quality of life is non existent. I get up, go to work, come home do some cleaning or other mundane "adult" tasks about the house, go to bed, sleep and repeat. And I think thats whats scaring me the most. I've been in my current relationship for 5 years, from the beginning we never spent time apart and its getting to the point of progression, marriage, kids, mortgage. The holy trinity of adult life. And I really don't think I'm ready or prepared. Due to that I feel I'm holding my partner back and its compounding my belief that I'm not good enough for her.

I'm becoming impossible to live with distant, reserved, quiet. Its unfair on my partner for her to live this way.

Depression is funny, you never think it'll happen to you. Especially at 25 with all these people around you that love and care for you. And I didn't accept it for so long. But those around me closest to me have seen the change and put me on to some of the literature around the illness. I think too much and to deeply but this is getting so bad I feel guilty for even admitting I'm depressed because there are so many out there with it so much worse off.

I feel I'm coming across like a spoilt little brat who is throwing his toys out of the pram because he's too afraid to grow up. But the feelings of self loathing I'm developing are crazy. I'm a proud person and I don't like to let anyone down but I can't even face work, I'm just lying in bed wallowing feeling sorry for myself.

I'm at a crossroads in my life, I thought this mid life crisis gear didn't rear its head until at least the 40s. I'm scared that if I walk away I'll live to regret it but I'm scared if I don't change something or if I stay where I am it'll just get worse to the point that I waste her time and make her miss out on the opportunities and experiences I'm not giving her at the minute.

I love this girl but I've stopping choosing her. I'm holding her back and destroying us both and she wants nothing more than me to come back to normality but this sense of helplessness is swallowing me and us. I feel I'm selfish if I stay and selfish if I go. And it all ties into my obsession with the morality of the human condition, I don't want to waste my life by being stuck in this rut.

To all the British/Irish amongst us on this site when I introspect my head is like the weather, stormy and raining constantly.

Feels good to get it out though......

4 Replies

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  • I'm 17 and from England and am prettified with the fact of growning up, the way I see depression is that it changed you, the way you think, act ect the thoughts your having are normal and scary however when depression is acting on you it changed the way you think about things which if your not carful can change the outcome, family, marriage should be some of the happiest time of your life! It can also change how you feel about things (magnify the fear) also you said you don't want too be stuck in this runt forever, it won't last, no pain can last forever Theropy can help especially if your saying writing this is making you feel better. Good luck hope you feel better

  • All I can see here is a twenty five year old asking if, is this going to be me for the next seventy years.

    You have a woman who is sticking by you and again you possibly look at her and know you are going to need to make decisions of an adult where you cannot throw your rattle out of your cot any more. We all go through something much the same as this and you need to pick yourself up and live your life and act upon those decisions you need to take

    Five years is a long time for a relationship, you get less a sentence for robbing a bank.

    Instead of grumbling on about this woman talk to her and discuss what She wants to do. You may be shocked ??.

    Try and move on in your lives, You have a good job, you balk on that, again could that be you are looking on the future and are considering is that it until you retire, YES and think yourself lucky you have that chance to possibly get a decent pension.

    Personally you need to make those decisions that you do not want to make.

    When it comes to death. I am now a pensioner, today I had a routine test that all male pensioners at sixty five have the results were from nothing to to to immediate treatment on the aorta that feeds the lower body down the legs with blood. If you bleed out or having a problem they operate and there would be a good chance you may not survive. So really no-one can say they they will live forever, when we are called we go, Whether you live or die, get married or not or loose your job, it just does not make any difference when you are dead, you are dead. You cannot dictate when, how or why you are going to die. Especially your age when the lights go out. When you are dead you do not need to pay your bills

    Like you I would worry, twenty five sounds about right, I am sixty five. I would have worried forty odd years worrying about my death, it is just not worth the worry. I may worry on my deathbed not now I could live another thirty odd years yet before I die.

    You have a great deal to live for, be responsible for your life you have all to live for especially a woman who has stuck by you for five years

    Make your decisions, I do not feel you are depressed just understanding your life is entering a new phase.

    BOB

  • There is definitely something wrong and it could well be depression IMO. Depression is no respecter of having a good job, a good partner, even a very good life although all of these things do make it a lttle more bearable than having no job,and living alone in poverty and poor surroundings.

    If family have noticed to the point you suggest then I think its quite likely you are depressed. That does not absolve you of responsibilty to be as cheerful as you can be around others. Your quality of life is important but all of us owe others behaviour that helps their quality of life. This is especially true for your partner. That is difficult to do if depressed, maybe impossible for many. Why don't you spend an evening with her talking about the subjects you have written about. You should reassure her at the outset that her behaviour has been and is free from any blame . Don't leave her with doubts about herself ,but to explain that you seem to have lost your zest for life in practically all areas should not be difficult to do and I would concentrate on areas ,work , socialising with friends etc where she is not involved.

    After that ,if she thinks your behaviour has changed as significantly as you appear to do why don't you see your GP , preferably with your partner. If it is depression its not the end of the world.

    Many of us manage to reach the stage where if we were given the opportunity not to have depression ,most of the time we would n't take it. It does take a painful while to get to that stage and probably many never do.

    I don't feel if you are depressed its that serious now , but it could become more serious unless you start to do something about. Don't keep sitting on the fence.

    You will come out of this eventually, it never lasts forever but your partner's support and maybe medical help will make it quicker.

    Best of luck

    Olderal

  • hiya. I understand everything you are saying. I think you are looking for changes in your life to make you feel better when by your own admission your life is not so bad. Your life can be perfect and inside you feel like the most empty, hopeless and lonely individual on the planet. Depression is an illness which is not caused or cured by your external circumstances.

    You do not choose to become unwell anymore than someone chooses to have cancer. Unfortunately the role of the brain among other things is to produce thoughts...when the brain becomes sick, then so do your thoughts. Thoughts affect your emotions and emotions affect our choices...etc

    I notice you say you are a bit fixated on death and the fear of losing people...you also say you think too much...these are all signs of a brain producing too much negative thoughts.

    I used to think I was depressed because I viewed life too negatively all I could see was how evil and horrible some people are...now I understand I viewed life and people soo negatively because I was depressed. Its a really important distinction. Give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself.

    I do not think you sound spoilt or immature...if anything you are very aware of your girlfriends feelings and really trying to do right by her. Feeling dead or empty of positive emotions is also another common symptom of depression and this may make you think you don't love her enough etc. Ive been married for 15 years and my husband has lived through severe bouts of depression with me. He understands I have nothing to give during the really bad episodes and Ive learned not to feel so guilty...the good news is all relationships have give and take...when youre unwell let your other half look after you. Talk it through with her. Don't shut her out...let her make the choice whether she wants to deal with it. If she was unwell you would look after her...yes?

    And heres a really big bit of advise I can give you. When you promise to love someone for the rest of your life...it is not a promise to feel love what an impossible pressure that would be!!...it is a promise to love someone though your actions DESPITE how you feel...that's a much more real way of considering marriage. Of course the whole concept of commitment seems overwhelming but thats how you probably feel about everything right now ....how do I know...because its all symptomatic of this illness.

    Btw don't rush into having kids until you are 100 per cent ready....enjoy your early married life together if that's the road you decide to choose and get some medical advice. If you had a serious illness you would take medicine...although pills are probably only part of the solution they can lift the big black cloud that can seem suffocating. If your depression is a result of past traumas or a tough upbringing then seek professional help to process that too.

    All the best to you...I hope that helped a little.

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