Hi, everyone. This is my first post here, I decided to sign up to share my case. Here it goes.
My name is David, I’m 33, I've never had a formal job (I have made websites and logos and gave maintenance to computers and laptops, but on my own, as an informal work, and not on a regular basis), I’ve never had a girlfriend (50% 'cause I haven't found that "special one", 50% because, even while I'm very good to give others advice regarding love, I'm totally clueless on the matter when it's about me), and I live with my parents and my brother (who is turning 30 on January, looking for a job and, like me, with no girlfriend). My parents are very supportive of us and we all get along very well, having similar (not equal) tastes in music, TV series, films and the like. Both my brother and I have college degrees, but he has been unable to find a job despite the fact that he has been actively and seriously looking for one (he graduated in 2007, but you know how the economy has been for over the last decade; if things are hard on first-world nations, here on Mexico, well... the picture is bleak). I temporarily abandoned college in 2005 (disillusioned both by the way the career was being handled by the study programs as well as by some teachers' attitude); it always was my intention to return and finish it but, mostly due to plain lazyness (I won't lie about it), I let the years pass and pass. I finally retook it on 2012, and after a series of administrative issues (one of my pending subjects was only available until last year, and the diploma course required to graduate started until november last year), I got my degree this year on July. During all those years, I focused in expanding my knowledge and learning about a lot of topics and diverse things on my own (people I know, both online and offline, have referred to me as "a walking encyclopedia" in different occasions), as well as allowing many of my hobbies - such as playing video games and surfing the net - to take the role of a job in my time schedule (I won't lie about this either), but socially, this left me sort of alienated, with only small contact with people on the offline world besides my family and a handful of friends I see around Christmas. In all honestly, I was perfectly fine with this and accepted it, on peace with myself (or at least, I felt it this way). Only a few days ago, I still used to joke about it saying that "unlike most people, I retired first, to then work later". This is the background of the present situation.
About a year ago, for around a couple of weeks, my brother depressed due to frustration about his jobless and girlfriend-less situation. This year it happened again, but this time the period was longer, extending over the past month and a half. On both occasions, my parents and I tried to cheer him up the best we could, but a week and a half ago he hit “rock bottom”, having trouble to sleep and staying awake all night long, talking along with my mom, who kept him company. Now he seems to be better (although still somewhat desperate for a girlfriend), looking for a job with renewed enthusiasm. The thing is, after enduring all this, my normally carefree self finally “broke” and the depression migrated to me, so to speak, starting around one week ago. First, by thinking and rethinking over the fact that he doesn’t look almost 30 all (he looks like a 21-22 year old, both physically and, on a lesser degree, his general way of being) and that I still look at him as my little kid brother; and from there, this last week I began to seriously take my own age into much consideration, changing my mindset from “I’m just past 30, I'm still young, I still have plenty of time for anything and everything” to “in 7 years I’ll be 40, I completely wasted my past decade, most of my friends and schoolmates have a job, are married and/or live on their own, while I haven’t accomplished anything”. Indeed, now I am the one thinking almost obsessively about a grim future, with the feeling that is way to late to start and with the recurring thought that I will be left alone at an old age, with no wife, no kids and no place of my own. Ironically, and in contrast to this (our mind really likes to play with us), I don't feel like a 33 year old, but as a 20-something (and, certainly, I look quite young when compared to my peers, who in some cases, are two or three years younger than me; I attribute this to my good health and the fact that I don't smoke and only very ocassionally drink must certainly help). At the same time, I feel like a grown kid that is just pretending to be an adult.
Last Friday night we both decided to join an English academy, both to improve our conversational skills as well as to meet new people; classes began the very next day, on Saturday. While registering, I noticed a theater school located on the very same building, across the hallway; I used to participate on theater club during elementary and high school, and I’m also seriously considering to enroll in order to meet new people, keep busy, and improve my (for the moment) shattered confidence and self-esteem. I also think I must get a formal job ASAP. I have spent all Saturday evening and a good part of Sunday's talking with my family (as well as Wednesday's and Thursday's with my mom, while my dad and brother left on a short trip to visit an aunt), which felt therapeutic, and, even with the depressing thoughts kept on lingering on a corner of the mind, like a pack of vultures flying above your head waiting to strike (you know how this is), as of writing this, I feel a little better, at least for now. Writing this very text has felt liberating and strangely relaxing, too.
Am I really depressed? Is this a momentary lapse of previously unacknowledged frustration and remorse, exarcerbated by society's "standards"? Anxiety? Some kind of panic attack? Most of all, will I ever be the same? I have never been in such a state of mind before, and the feeling, which caught me totally off guard, is rather oppresive. It would be nice to hear some opinions or suggestions about what I wrote. I must add that, laying under the gray thoughts, I really think that, indeed, it’s not too late (just as my former self of still some days ago used to firmly say and believe).