He wants to watch x films while with me 😕

I have depression, anxiety and sometimes I think those conditions make me view of things more difficult than they need to be. But it still doesn't change how deep I feel.

I have been with my partner for three years. Our intimacy is very special to me. I never really had a proper boyfriend before. The ones before him were all violent and belittling and my current boyfriend is the total opposite.

I was helping him with a computer problem using his laptop on my desk in my bedroom. After he already was engaging in sexual advances with me he asked if we could watch porn. At that moment I felt shocked and then numb. I was not surprised in a way a man would ask that- but I never thought my partner would. Not meaning to be graphic I let him do whatever it needs to take to make him happy. Even when it is painful and yucky because I want to keep the only good partner/person had s good relationship happy. I never wanted him the need to turn somewhere else. During sex if he talk about fantasies I don't mind even though it does not turn me on at all. And I know without being told he watches porn on his own time. But to ask to watch it as he is having sex with me just doesn't sit well with me. I googled it and a lot of women said it was disrespectful and even some men too. Because he would be doing acts with me while watching what he really wanted on the screen.

Later on we had a talk and he said he sorry and that he would not ask again for that or would not ask me to live out the fanasies he talks about when we are engaging in sex. One part of my brain says who cares if he is watching porno while he is physically having sex with me. I am still the one that brings me flowers and whatnot. I don't want to do or not do anything that makes him feel he can be himself with me. I told him I am not judging him whatsoever and he was the normal one- and I am just too sensitive. But still I feel bad about this whole situation. He plans to come over tonight and I don't want to have sex at all after what happened last week. I look at him and feel sad because I work so hard to have a slim fiqure and be cute for him. And he still would like to look at professionals do their thing while in my bed. Even though he said he would not ask again - secretly inside I really feel turned off by him. He has no idea so I will keep it to myself and those reading this post. But the emotion I feel most is ... Disappointment. Not jealousy or angry. Just disappointed. But really if I think with the other side of my brain I should let him express his sexuality if watching a video during his time with me is,something he wants. It is not like he is hauling me off to a brothel. It is just a video on a screen. I just wish I didn't care. But it creeps me out. When he asked me the first time we already were in the middle of sex and I thought he was just talking fantasy stuff. But when I figured out he was not kidding I asked what kind of porn did he want to watch and he said anything really. I never got angry but said no and he finished what he had going on with me just as always. This is so depressing. What does everyone else think?

10 Replies

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  • Never do something you are not comfortable with! Especially if it's painful or you find it "yucky" - it's not good for your mental wellbeing to force yourself to do things that deep down you don't want to do. I think your boyfriend would understand if you explained that and if not then it's his problem not yours, I don't think you're being too sensitive, you just know what you do and don't like. I also think that him asking to watch porn with you is a bit strange but a lot of men and women do enjoy this as a "turn on" but personally I think it's a bit awkward and you shouldn't need porn to have a good relationship.

    Make sure he knows how you feel deep down. I know I would feel disappointed by someone if they asked for that!

  • Thank-you for your kind words. Yes I have to admit he does like yucky things. Advanced yucky things but outside the bedroom he is very proper. He doesn't find cute jokes funny that even I might if they are in reguards to sex. He is the first boyfriend I ever had that was not violent or emotional abusive. I got the feeling that in general if you don't give a man what they want they will go get it elsewhere. He goes on tropical holidays with his guy friends and I tell myself you don't have to go on vacation to have an affair. I am from a pretty messed up background. In a previous relationship I had he actually turned on porn without telling me and we had a huge fight. That man was physically abusive to me. Atleast this current boyfriend asked. My secret fear is if I don't he'll want to find someone who will- even if he still is 'with' me.

  • I think it's important for you to know that just because this boyfriend isn't abusive like previous relationships, that doesn't mean that he is the be-all-end-all of boyfriends. There are lots of wonderful men out there who would love nothing more than to treat you how you deserve- with respect and love. I'm so sorry to hear that you come from a bad background and that you have been in abusive relationships and I really hope that in time you can overcome the difficulties you have endured! Perhaps it might be good for you to speak to someone? Maybe a cognitive behavioural therapist who can talk you through all your thoughts and feelings to help you understand yourself better :) also, I don't believe that all men will look elsewhere if their "needs" aren't being met. I still hold out hope for the gentlemen who would be faithful and do their best to work on a good relationship! But please don't force yourself into things you don't want to just to keep him happy- this is a bad road to go down. Relationships need compromise, you BOTH need to be happy!

  • Yuck! If a man wanted to copy what he sees on porn films on me while watching them on the telly - words fail me. It's ok if you are both into it but not if you are not. I think most women would react like you. If he wants porn let him go and star in it and leave you out of it. Bev x

  • To be very honest I thousand percent agree. He was very gentle with his words when he said he would not ask again and that he loved me and everything was okay. I told him we can talk about it later and he said no- he wasn't the type of person to ask me again when he knew the answer. But somehow I feel childish for caring so much. These people in the films are real human beings. The violence and degrading things in those videos can be shocking. Even if it was a love scene in a 14A rated movie I would feel awkward. If I was by myself I wouldn't care and change the channel- but if I was with my partner it would make me feel uncomfortable. Those people in those videos must of had a lot of hardship emotionally or physically to put their lives on the line risking HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. There is a lot of insane fetish porn out there now with cartoon characters and people dressing up in giant animal costumes. I searched it and it came up on a mainstream porn home page. I am the one on medication for mental illness but anyone intentionally watching sports mascots having sex might need more help even that me. My boyfriend never expressed any interest In that or I would be breaking up with him for sure. But what has the world come to watching cartoon characters doing porn? I must of missed something along the way! thank-you for your reply Bev.💐

  • Well I think we have all watched a blue movie or 2 - I know I have several times with my mates but we just end up laughing coz it's so ludricious!

    Why worry about the actors? They are all adults and make their own choices. There are harder ways to earn a living than that! What I hate is the way porn objectifies women as sex objects to be controlled and dominated by men. I think this encourages and nourishes men's fantasies at our expense, and contributes to violence against women. It also encourages the separation of women in societies minds as 'nice women' and 'whores'. Bev x

  • Sorry if the problem carries on for any length of time it will get worse. You need to confront him now and explain your deep felt feelings.

    A relationship is two people who feel comfortable in every part of their lives, sex is part of that. I would worry in this case if respect for you is lost and your situation given time becomes not only a chore, also frightening or not making you fulfilled.

    This man can go out and find someone who would love this form of activity, if this is the case let him go. Never cheapen yourself, you need to enjoy this relationship as well as him.

    BOB

  • This is something I can really relate to, I had a similar inner struggle in a previous relationship. My boyfriend, whom I adored and was wonderful in other respects, was into kinky sex, graphic porn and all kinds of stuff which I personally found both yucky and unsettling. The things that turned him on made me feel dirty and degraded, but for a long time I went along with it because I was afraid to disappoint him.

    We were together for 8 years before I eventually left him, because I realised that he didn't really love me, not under the surface. He loved sex, and having someone there to hang out with, cook his dinner etc. My rose-tinted spectacles filled in the gaps, I convinced myself that everything was fine, it wasn't until I noticed that people I chatted with online could judge my moods and knew more about my hopes and dreams than he did, that I realised he had never really bothered to get to know me. Afterwards, a friend of his actually spoke to me and said 'You're better off without him, I've known him for years and the trouble is he has no empathy'. That summed it up perfectly. (OK, after that I went out with a complete loser on the rebound just because he said he loved me, but hey, we all make mistakes, that's one I won't be repeating!)

    There are more kinds of abuse than physical, and sometimes it's not even intentional - there is the unthinking cruelty of someone who just can't put themselves in another's place, and puts their own needs higher.

    Think about it - a relationship is a perfect balance of equals. Would he be worrying equally over ways to please you and not disappoint you? If he can enjoy sex with you knowing that you don't like what he's doing, that argues an underlying problem, a lack of care for your feelings, which would eventually extend to other areas in life (problems like that tend to grow with time).

    For most of my life I judged myself on my relationships. When I was at school the other girls told me I'd never be loved or have a boyfriend because I was too fat/ugly/weird etc. For 20 years I poured my heart and soul into making relationships work, trying to be worthy, if it was working then I felt that I had value, if we broke up then I felt it was because I wasn't good enough and hadn't made the grade. It's only recently that it dawned on me - a guy's taste is personal, it doesn't mean you're no good if you aren't what he wanted, he's no more important than you, and any fault is just as likely to be with him. You can be beautiful standing on your own two feet, regardless.

    It reminds me a lot of the end of the film Labyrinth, if you've seen it? 'My will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great. You have no power over me.'

    If he has so little empathy that he wants to do things regardless of how they make you feel, then it would never work in the long term.

    I hope that helps a bit! :-) x

  • don't force yourself to watch it when it makes you feel uncomfortable .never do anything to please a man if you aren't okay with it .tell him how you feel don't bottle things up honesty is the key to a happy realtionship .there are plenty off other ways to make a relationship exciting without porn involved .lots of women are turned off by watching it so I don't blame you for feeling that way about it .he should know how you feel because it's not right what he has been asking you.don't keep how you feel about this to yourself it will not help at all .you are not in the slightest being sensitive over this either .lots of women feel the same way about porn you are not alone It's understandtable nothing wrong with being honest . But he should know how you truly feel about this its only right .

  • Porn leads to all sorts of things,one bloke(please note I did not call him a Man) in Sussex raped and killed his ex after watching porn for a weekend !

    Porn and anyone associated with it disgust me ,and I am not a prude !I just believe that making love oe just having crazy sex should be between two lovers,(does not matter if its lesbian homosexual or straight).

    Perhaps I am just old fashioned or perhaps I have just grown up as I just hate the thought of folk thinking what they watch is Normal because its not

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