About two years ago, I fell into a deep depression. I am a 21 year old college student. I have had episodes of depression in my lifetime, most when I was in middle and high school. Growing up, whenever I tried to talk about the depression and anxiety I was feeling, most would write it off as being part of a phase, or going through the regular "teenage angst."
Two years ago, I was a prisoner inside my own body. I experienced some concurring health and personal problems during this time that did not help the depression I was already going through. I wound up in a dark place. Not able to go to class, not able to eat, not able to talk to anyone. I was scared to leave my small dorm room, and at the same time I was anxious of being trapped inside. I couldn't do anything, my grades started slipping, my relationships were struggling, and all I wanted was to die.
I was encouraged to go to counseling. I started going, but even getting the words out required too much effort. My counselor encouraged me to seek out a psychiatrist. I have been taken Zoloft and Wellbutrin since March. I also take hydroxozine for the insomnia. I have been doing better. I am away from home and taking a break from school, and doing an internship right now.
Right now the thing that motivates me is that my family is struggling and I desperately need the money to help them. In my internship, I am doing something I am extremely passionate about, I am working as an Energy Engineer. Despite this, I cannot seem to keep myself motivated and excited. I find myself struggling to complete my tasks at work. Whenever I get home, I struggle to do anything for myself. My apartment is a complete mess, I haven't cooked in months, I haven't washed the dishes in probably a month and a half, I haven't done laundry either. I haven't been able to get myself to work out (something I had been doing regularly.) My only escape is going out on the weekends, with friends from work, and drinking from Friday to Sunday. Most times however, I will drink and instead of going out to have a good time, I will stay at home, laying in my bed, drunk, not able to get up.
Going from day to day, I feel sedated. Like i'm drifting through my day not actually doing anything. Completely disconnected from reality. When I get home, I drift right into my bed, and cannot get out. I do not actively feel depressed however, I feel completely drained of all energy, I feel like a zombie, but I do not feel the severity of the depression. I am not sure if it is the medication that is causing this apathy and lethargy, or if it is something else. I am not sure what to do. Has anyone experienced this? I am not sure if this is part of the depression, but I am scared I will fall back into my hole. Whenever I try to explain this to someone they think I am just tired from work, but it is more than that. I don't know what to do, or if any of what I said even made sense.