self esteem

Hello everyone, im new to this forum but I thought it mayhelp get things off of my chest. Im 23 years old and most of my life ive been fairly quiet and shy and never had many friends. I never feel comfortable in large social groups of people i dont know very well.IVE never had any confidence in myself and always had low self esteem. from being this way, its taken me till this age to finally find a partner. We have been together 7 months now and he is the best thing to ever have happened to me. However, i always get the constant feeling that im not good enough for him. He is the total opposite of me, very sociable, confident and outgoing. therefore he has more of colourful love life than myself. i feel like im constantly comparing myself to his friends/ girlfriends and i see myslelf as an ugly worthless person who isnt good at anything. THe worse part is that i cry on his shoulder about it every night and no matter how much he tells me that im beautiful and that i am the one i just dont believe him. This makes me feel worse as i feel like im dragging him down with me.

I have booked an appt with my GP but im scared to go as I dont want them to think its something and nothing.

Thankyou for reading

XXX

13 Replies

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  • Hello Stirfry,

    I have just read your message, and I was very pleased to see that you have a man in your life.

    I am not frightened to tell you that throughout my life I have suffered from epilepsy.

    Going back in time I thought that I had a girlfriend many times, but as soon as the E word was mentioned then that was the end of that.

    Until a lady came to work at my then Company and we made friends. When I mentioned epilepsy to my Lorna who was to become my wife she merely said I love for who you are, not because you have an illness.

    The reason that I am telling you all this, is to tell you that as a man who like you downs oneself very easily my Lorna changed all that because she was an extrovert who took me right out my shell and got me to have confidence in myself again.

    Many of us are have low esteem. It's not our or anybody's fault, it is merely the way that many of us are born on this vast planet.

    Just remember in life that Positive things keep you up life but negative thoughts always take you down. You are obviously of the latter at present.

    Just as your boyfriend loves you, you must love and Trust him.

    I am the author of a blog and recently told people following me

    Go onto Youtube Search for: Hypnotherapy Ultimately Deep sleep Hypnosis Relaxation & Confidence

    I strongly advise to do the same

    The title is totally Free for you to use.

    Simply download and take your smartphone or iPad into

    1 A darkened bedroom

    2 Lie down on the bed

    3 Use headphones to cut out all background noise

    4 Simply Relax

    I used this this technique when my dear Lorna passed on last year.

    I wish you well

    Regards

    Richard

  • Thankyou so much for your reply it means a lot. He has helped me overcome alot of things already, i suppose thats the benefit of 'opposites attract' like you say, But i just hope i get over this step as i dont rreaally want to see a gp. Id rather just get through it with the people i love and this forum. Im so sorry for your loss. You must take comfort in the fact that someone came into your life and loved you for the person you are, and obviously you are a kind one as you are willing to help others in need including me.

    Thankyou for the tips, i shall definatley try those

    Thanks again, the main thing is non of us are alone in feeling this way

    Xx

  • Stirfry's,

    Thank you for your kind words.

    Anti-depressants help some people for a short time, but alas they make you very dependant on them and then they are not working properly and hey ho you have to increase. Still the problem had not been resolved and and you are mega tired.

    To my mind you do Not need anti depressants

    When I lost my darling Lorna last year I was a broken man, who down on going to bed at night and likewise in the morning.

    The family told me to see a counsellor which I did at the end of the day, but then I found like all counsellors they listen but seldom advise.

    You are stronger than you think you really are believe me you are.

    Simple advice

    Love your boyfriend and do lots of things together Go for walks together, join a walking club, or any club go away for a weekend together The list is endless

    Live life to the full

    Kind regards

    Richard

  • Thankyou very much, i need to stop worrying and just enjoy my relationship. Jake came at an awful time in my life as my mum was going through radiotherapy at the time, i felt i needed to b there for my mum and therefore had a guilty feeling whenever i spent time with jake but mum is on the mend now,so i think everythings just happened all together and its been a bit aof arollercoaster for me but i will get there. Thankyou so much. Hope you are keeping well

    Xx

  • Hi if your bf wanted to be with other women what's stopping him? It's because he loves you of course. He sure isn't staying with you out of pity or duty is he? Trust him and accept the love he offers so gladly. It sounds like you have found a lovely caring man there. Let him help you build your confidence up and don't push him away. x

  • Thankyou. I have definatley found a diamond. I just need to stop doubting every little thing and start believing what people tell me. What makes me more upset is the fact that this will push him away thats why ive tried to search for help and take action

    Thanks again :) xx

  • It won't do any harm to see your GP.

    Don't be fooled by the outward confidence of many of his friends, the odds are almost certain many of them are not as confident as they appear.

    Your quietness and shyness may be exactly what he wants and if he says you are beautiful just tell him you don't always feel beautiful but you're so glad he thinks so. I hope as your partner he's not still having a colourful love life. If so get rid. By the way ,to men , women who know they are beautiful are usually a pain in the arse.

    Give him a genuine compliment back when he tells you you're beautiful. You may not be beautiful but if he thinks so ,the odds are pretty high you are pretty attractive. We men don't usually hang around with the unattractive ,its bad for one's reputation. Although fortunately every ones' idea of attractive is different, but from what you say about him you must tick most of the boxes.

    The worst part is definitely that you cry on his shoulder about it. Eventually you may convince him you're right even though you're not and you may mess up what could be a wonderful relationship for you. You certainly won't drag him down but you might bore him if thats what you do every night.

    He will almost certainly be good for you and you'll learn a lot about confidence just from being with him , and overcome a lot of your shyness in groups of people. If he's a gentleman (and what lady wants anything else ), he'll help you in awkward situations, and your self esteem will slowly rise.

    Olderal

  • Thankyou for your reply, everyone is so lovely on here. No he definatley doesnt lead that sort of lifeanymore think he has it all out of his system haha.

    He is a gent he really is, he says i wont drive him away or bore him he says he just feels bad that nothing he says sinks in and he feels helpless. But i tell him endlessley that just being there and cheering me up helps

    I dont want to lose him as we met at school then drifted abart for a good few years, and finally got back in touch. Hopefully that means its meant to be:)

    Thanks again xx

  • I hope so too, and if you met at school he must have seen you at your worst and from every angle. You may confidently rest assured you are very attractive to him, and almost equally confident you are attractive full stop.

  • Hello Stirfry

    People who are very outward in their attitude will look for someone in life that is more grounded and this settles their life and it seems to work quite well. You should calm His mood and help him think before He does any thing without thinking.

    You could benefit when He wants to go out at short notice or introduce you to things you may not try without His input. Because of this you may feel like He is the man of the moment and has so many people and girlfriends over the years. What H may not be telling you is the people who know him feel He may be to impulsive and that may make his friends move on more quickly because of his attitude.

    When I was reading your script I understand the relationship is still an open one and that, even if that is not the case will worry you as you are happy that the relationship is still progressing, even though you feel stressed at the chance of the relationship failing.

    In ways I suppose He may work on that at the back of His mind. As if doubt is laid, you become unhappy, then He comes back telling you how much He thinks about you. You are then more happy once more.

    To stop above I suppose you are going to need to be more firm with him, to calm His attitude to you.

    Personally I do not think you do not need medications, just a little bit more firmness and make Him understand, yes I watch you, also you listen and understand what He is saying. The attitude you need to reinforce is one of an adult and possibly as a partner in all decisions that will result in this wonderful partnership

    If you need to chat we are always around.

    BOB

  • Stirfry, first of all, I love your screen name! ;)

    Regarding feelings of unsatisfactory self-worth, I feel the same... And the fact you're being honest about your feelings is a step in the right direction! There are so many theories about self-hate, low self-esteem, little self-regard... Forget all those terms!!! Along with self-compassion, all you can do is try and acquire more knowledge, skills, and abilities—and awareness—to feel good again.

    False: "You can’t possibly get ahead in life unless you're perfectly awesome."

    The statement above is the bit of false narrow-minded programming we put into our brains at a very early age, deliberately, to deceive us into improving ourselves—and it leads us to an OVERALL DISSATISFACTION IN LIFE. Why? Because it does not take into account the WHOLE ENCHILADA...

    For example, did you grow up in a safe environment or a stressful parenting environment? Did you have access to public goods? Did you have parents or siblings that taunted and ridiculed you? Did you have food, housing, books, recreation and all the other necessities to FLOURISH as a human being??? It's the varying degrees of our experiences (negative and positive), in an UNEQUAL society, that produces different degrees of CONFIDENCE and SELF-HATE (we'll call it the continuum).

    You need SELF-COMPASSION to succeed. As a male, I see self-hate more in women than in men... Women who are mean-spirited about other women are often raised by a mother who probably didn't like herself and didn't feel warmly toward women. It's a cycle of SELF-HATRED. It's similar to self-hating gay conservative politicians that vote against gay legislation.... A group is oppressed in society (women, blacks, gays, lesbians, etc.), they hate themselves (because they're not good enough), don't like their shameful and awful group, and it's passed on to the next generation…

    SELF-HATRED is destruction. SELF-LOVE is CREATION and CONSTRUCTION.

    On the flip side, scientists are discovering more and more that optimists smile because they're blind to reality... Oblivious to other human realities, particularly, those characterized by hardships and problems in life… The only realities we understand are the realities we've experienced personally, in the optimists' case, an overall POSITIVE reality—a supportive and resourceful reality, a reality where daily experiences are particularly enjoyable, filled with tranquil and serene childhood memories... You're partner is ahead of the curve, giving you empathy (not many partners do). You just need to give empathy, self-love, self-compassion to yourself! :) Hope this helps.

  • hi stir fry firstly welcome to the forum ! im sorry to see youre having such problems at a young age ! is this the first time youve been to your doctor about how you have been feeling ! dont think the doctor is going to brush you off you might find the opposite that they will be understanding about you condition please keep the appoint and i wish you well david x

  • Hi Stirfry ,

    I think it is wonderful that you have decided to address this issue in your life early on, rather than allowing yourself to continue in an unhappy state. Congrats for being so brave and proactive. I hope you don't mind if I reply in my rather practical manner. I am not very good at being all warm and cuddly but I might have some insights which could help. Feel free to ignore if you do not agree.

    Firstly, I would like to say that there is nothing wrong in taking your time to get to know a man properly before making any permanent decisions. If you are not happy for any reason (and I mean ANY) it is a good thing to explore why, rather than to plow on regardless. So, what can you do about it?

    Firstly, try to take his compliments gracefully, because it is the right way to behave, but also make sure he backs them up with treating you right all the time. You should feel uplifted and happier after spending time with him, not down and miserable, and I am sure you would want him to feel the same. His friends should also be being pleasant and supportive to you, and if not then I would wonder at why he does not do something about it.

    If his behaviour matches his nice words, then maybe he is seeing something worthy in you that you have not yet recognised in yourself; but if not, then ask yourself if your feelings of worthlessness are really your gut instincts telling you that something is wrong.

    If you truly feel there is something about you that you should work on, then why not see if you can discuss this with a counselor so that you can get an unbiased opinion, and also to avoid using your partner as your counselor as that can be a bit wearing on a relationship. Ask your GP for a referral, or contact Relate. You don't have to take a partner to see them, if my memory serves me right, which might be a good idea at first.

    It may be that you have had a bad experience in the past which has dented your self esteem, or it could be that your man is happy to accept something that your upbringing is telling you is not ok. Either way, you would do yourself, and him, a big favour by getting to the bottom of it so that you can choose your way forwards.

    I really do hope that this guy is all that you say he is, as if so you are a lucky lady.

    Maddy

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