I'm losing!

Hey my name is Michael, I'm 16 and suffer with HIGH anxiety and depression. These past few days i've been having the worst of the worst of my depression and anxiety and feel like I'm losing to it. Every single day of my life since I was 12 I have been scared of life in general. I experience every day anxiety symptoms which are chest pain, arm pain, feel like I can't breathe so I take deep breathes to satisfy my need for oxygen and many more, depression on the other hand is what is getting to me since I just can't get my life back to where it was, like I could enjoy everyday life without having suicide thoughts. The main reason for coming on this website is because my thoughts are out of control and I even wrote a small death note in my head because I generally thought this is when I'm going to end it all but then another part of me calls me stupid for thinking like that. Today is the only time I have had a smile on my face for... God knows when, I got a tattoo of a Demon-Angel as I have always said I have a demon on one shoulder and a angel on another so I decided to get something that means a lot to me on my arm and I look at it to remind myself of how worth it I am but it just doesn't sink in. I am really in need of help because I don't want to take my own life I want to be able to enjoy life. I see a psychiatric and she does help and put me on Citolapam and Lorazepam to calm anxiety and Depression. The medicine helps a little but not an incredible amount. I'm so lonely and feel like no woman would want THIS disgrace of a human!. I'm sorry for making it very difficult but I'm stuck in a black hole. Thank you so much! - Michael

20 Replies

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  • Hi Michael,

    I'm so glad that you have asked for help, things may seem like they couldn't be worse now but things WILL get better. I want to help you through this dreadful time. This year I looked in to killing myself but contacted Samaritans. I would highly recommend contacting them, you can ring, email, text or visit a branch.

    Its so sad to hear you think your life isn't worth living. Every person has value and importance, there is something special in everyone. That includes YOU. Also, if you want a woman ( you don't always need a partner to be happy) there is someone for everyone. Infact, most women would much rather someone who is soft and has feelings over the opposite, and you sound like a thoughtful and sweet person.

    How long have you been on your medication for? Often the first few weeks have the worst side effects and make people feel this way. Something that helped me was reading a quote online which was " Tomorrow could be the best day of your life, you've just got to get there."

    What would you say seems to bother you the most?

  • Hey Freyaa123. I really find it hard to truly know what bothers me the most but I guess it's everything that I have been through and I can't seem to move from it and be happy. I have been on Lorazepam and Citolapam for 3 months but I'm slowly getting off Lorazepam as I need to because they're short term. I was originally on fluxes inexpensive and had little benefits from it, I can't truly tell if Citolapam is working or not since everyday is the same. Cheers for replying and sharing some of the stuff you went through you seem like a very strong person me on the other hand I am not a strong person.

  • Hi,

    This sounds so horrific for you, im so sorry about this. I really strongly would advice contacting samaritans. By speaking you will be able to think more clearly.

    Sometimes drugs can have nasty side effects so please hang on in there. Id call your gp in an emergency call about them to see if they have had all of there time to work as sometimes certain medications can take up to 3 months to work.It must be impossible to believe at the moment but when your medication is all sorted things may seem slightly better. I really wish i could help more but please believe me when i say this as ive been on medication too.

    Is there anything you would like to talk about from everything that is going on for you at the moment? You can always message me at anytime if you need to.

    Im sure your family would be so distraught if they lost you.

    Don't give up, i know you can get through this

    Freya

    Xxx

  • What has caused all of this ?

    How old do you need to be to get a tattoo without permission, really interested ??

    You are on strong medications so what does your GP say is causing all this worry, I suppose your family must be very concerned because of your problems.

    When I here the young threatening to take their lives sometimes I wonder you must have some very good reasons for that.

    When I was at school I had a really rough time and sometimes I wonder if there was any other options that would have changed my life, I did not do anything until I was middle aged and when I tried to take my life the situation was not what you would expect. Let me say you will not get any sympathy from the hospital who has to possibly dry you out all actions are practical and without sympathy, you will be brought around and given a stunted interview. Then sent home, possibly on the bus. You will be seen by a Crisis Team, three people one nurse on CPN and Social Worker, they will decide what they wish to do with you and notify your GP accordingly.

    One thing you will notice if they do not put you in hospital that the attitudes of your family will change and in all intents and purposes will not trust you again.

    How do I know, well my wife now controls all my medications and I will be on strong medications for the rest of my life.

    Generally the way society treats mental illness, you will drag that stigma around your neck for the rest of your life. How do I know this, because that has happened to me.

    Talk to your GP about your feelings you have a long way to go in life and you have so much to learn and see.

    You have all of us on this site to help and give support, use that to help and advise

    All the best

    BOB

  • Hey Bob. I've been going through this for 4 years and I know people have been doing it longer but I'm not a fighter I class myself as a loser who gives up to easy. I honestly have no clue my mother was with me while having the tattoo. The guy did ask and I told him 16 but said I'll do it anyway with mums permission. Going into hospital is my biggest fear but if it comes down to it I well and truly know I'll be safe. Thank you for replying I really appreciate it!

  • Hey Michael. I started having my anxiety/depression problems around your age. I started experiencing it when I was 13 and I am now 21. I don't know if these words will help you too much, but I have dealt with all of the symptoms in which you mentioned more than 100 times and I am still here. Honestly do you have any hobbies that you really enjoy? Also, do you have a good support system? In order to stay positive, have to surround yourself with positive people and things :)

  • My hobby is playing video games and talking to people that way. The real world is not for me and it's to frightening to be able to have any good hobbies. My family is supportive specially my mother she has been there 24/7 for me and I wouldn't ask for a better mum. Thank you for replying appreciate it

  • There's something for you. I recommend daily exercise too!

  • Hi Michael

    I am sad to think someone so young can feel this way, however I do acknowledge that some of us are born with a chemical imbalance which causes the things you describe. Do your family support you? I hope you tell your pyschiastrist everything you feel.

    Relaxing tapes help a lot, also you need to focus on positive things, no one likes to hear someone is suffering, we all want you to get better, you will do soon I hope you get enough help, we are all behind you, contact us anytime, we are here for you 😊😊

  • I don't tell my psychiastris everything I'm so scared to I know she's there to help but it's just impossible. I can't let my mum know either because she will cry and I can't do that to my mum I want her to be happy if anything so I keep it to myself and hope it gets better but it doesn't. My psychiatrist is only aware of me crying and anger as well as my mum everything else is kept with me. My mum is very supportive and I am so happy I got a mum like her! Thank you so much for replying! Appreciate it

  • Michael, you MUST tell your psychiatrist everything, you will continue in this black hole until you do. You need to unload all your troubles, please do it, I am a Mother too and your mum would be so upset to hear that. You are lucky to have support, please use it to the full and you WILL get better, much love Helen xxxx

  • Can you think of why you might feel this way? Is something wrong at school, with grades or your friendships, or at home with family? I was a shy lonely kid at school, and I just hung out where I wanted to and told myself it was ok. I did have friends eventually but once they left I spent time in a group. Wasn't particularly close to anyone which was probably sad but it's how I coped. You might be completely different though!

    You said no woman would want you. If you want a girlfriend, then that's something new to explore. In my admittedly romantic view, there is an equal out there for everyone.

    But first of all, you're getting help, coming on here for a start. Second, doing something else that doesn't involve negative thoughts is invaluable. Something physical, watching standup, playing games or something else you enjoyed doing before.

    Girls can come after that, once you have looked after yourself first.

    I don't know if this advice is any good but I hope you see what I'm trying to say.

  • Hey Sceptic I do see what you're saying and it does help really... I didn't go to public school I was home schooled because I would cry in class and very bad anger which I couldn't control. So I had to be home schooled. This September coming up I promised my mother I would go to college for her sake not mine hers but it's near impossible for me to go on with daily life because I'm just a paranoid depressed 16 you old. I play video games and it has been a big part of my life but as soon as I stop playing I'm back in the cycle. Thank you for replying appreciate it!

  • You'll be in a different mindset after you get through all this, especially when you leave teenage years behind. Contradicting popular belief, teen years are not the best for everyone and nobody that age likes who they are.

    Your circumstances mentioned in other comments sound like you've been dealt a crappy deck to begin with. But going to college means meeting a whole different bunch of people, and they will all carry problems too. For me at least, I stopped being so paranoid thinking everyone else thought I was weird and that they had perfect lives.

    I know you'll get through this. And your psychiatrist has a duty to patient confidentiality so you can tell her anything if you want to.

    Chin up bud :)

  • Hi Mike,

    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That suicide note you written, you are better off burning that outside and never write one again because we are all here to help you get back on track :) so we need you to be more positive than before.

    I'm a mild anxiety sufferer myself and a past victim of severe depression. Although I can't help much on anxiety side but I can guide you to a blog I've written on how I slowly used many techniques to snap out of depression but also help remove some of the anxiety issues i had. have a read and please take note and make some tasks for yourself to complete.

    One advice I will give is don't worry about girls. at a young age boys or girls can be naive (no offence to anyone!) and it may not help you in your situation. lets deal with your situation and take things from there.

    Chin up and look forward to a brighter future for yourself and please come back to us on your progress, as we are all here to help you.

    blogerslotaboutdepression.b...

  • I just read your blog and I must say it is well an truly helpful. Knowing that other people have been through a hard time and willing to share there story makes me feel good inside since I wasn't the only one with this nasty thing called depression. I have bookmarked your blog and will read it when I will read it again and take notes once I'm done with my surgery have to wait another long hour later. Thank you so much for sharing that blog and I hope I could do some good in my life appreciate it!

  • Mike, If i can come out of this stronger than I was so can you.

    if walls in a newly built house have cracks you're not going to build a new roof on top or do an extension, are you? you will remedy the underlying issue and then move onto bigger things, it will take time and surely you'll get there. if you plant a seed you can't expect it to grow 3 foot tall the next day, can you? you have to nurture the young plant through time and help it along in difficult times, like tying it to a bamboo cane or watering, fertilizing, etc. at the end you are rewarded with floral beauty and fragrance that makes you smile. in a way that's how life works, things take time to build and nurture. don't keep expecting just live as the day comes and enjoy it.

    the biggest thing is to believe in yourself that you can accomplish what you want. if you can't then lets break it down and see where we need to fix things and slowly you'll get there.

    Any issues then you know we are all here.

    wish you all the best

  • Those of us who suffer from anxiety and depression normally needs too sit down and consider the reasons why we feel the way we do, Generally there T is always something in our past or now at school that has caused us the way feel now as it is important to know who and what we are. Sometimes our pasts can be so traumatic that we forget the problems we suffered even though our brain tries to compensate for our past problems.

    With me my early life was a world of hard knocks in more ways than one, my family was very strict and it became even worse when my Mother gave birth to my two Sisters They were treated differently from me I was brought up hard and they were in a very much brought up in a caring household. I was also pushed on the back burner while my sisters u to know have had a much more carefree life. This brought about severe sibling rivalry and that lasted until I walked out of my family several years ago, now I am sixty five and now started a new life.

    In my thirties i came down with a chronic pain condition, that I still suffer from. So you see how past problems can affect many in later life

    That is way I ask why ? what is at the route of your condition

    BOB

  • It all started at the age of 11 for me. I was accused of touching a 6 year old girl in my own backgarden with 5 other people including my mother, safe to say she hated my guts and had the ordasity to bring up load of bollocks to ruin ones life. I was questioned at the police station, suspended from school cause I wasn't allowed to see the girl, I lost all my friends cause they thought I done such a thing and was bullied from that day on being called "pedo" every single day of my life, I eventually had enough and had a massive fight with 4 other boys all bullys and from then I was home schooled. This all haunts me to this day. I lost my stepdad recently due to heavy drinking he was the best when sober and I loved him so much just wish he listened to me when I said "You're killing yourself". I was very close to my real dad but when I was 12 he wanted nothing to do with me and went on with his money and sex. Finally my weight, I put it all on from not going out and just eating to make me happy. Thank you again Bob!

  • Hello Michael

    When we are children possibly we may do things that are questionable in the adult mind. When this possibly happened a child upwards eleven may do things caused by their youth, sometimes they may not understand what they have done and in a way eleven year old a child is experimenting in life and not saying what happened was right are wrong you seemed to have been chastised to a point raised. You had been taken to the police station. At Only eleven, not even in your teens.

    Personally I cannot see if something serious happened. Although I do not know if the girl was frightened or hurt with what had happened.??

    You may seem to have done your time here and your life has suffered from what had happened five years ago, not forgetting the bullying and the removal from Society that has seemed to have made you an evil person in the eyes of your Peers

    I am not trying to say all was right to happen, I would say that now you need to discuss this with your GP and possibly He will arrange some talking time with a Specialized Nurse as I feel that you may need help in coming to terms with what happened. And to prepare yourself for your adult life, that will allow you to move on towards you getting possibly married and settling down and having a family in the future.

    Putting on weight can be part of comfort eating and sometimes it can also show that you have no respect for yourself as I should imagine your confidence over the last five years has taken a real bashing.

    You do not say if you are at home or another place and if your Mother is feeling any better toward you. As you may need Her to take you to see the GP. Although you could possibly arrange to go yourself.

    Personally I cannot say right or wrong here and it would be wrong of me to make that decision.

    It would be good if you can see your GP and discuss your worries with a Mental Health Advisor as you need to get the incident filed away to get on with your life as I said before.

    Hopefully you now know what is right and wrong and what is acceptable in this Society that we all live in.

    You know where we are

    BOB

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