Very Confused

Ok, so I am VERY confused. Yesterday, I asked to leave class, when told I could, I sat outside. I stared at a painting that said 'Happiness' and felt a sudden jerk of sadness. I then heard two men laughing, almost making me cry. As I stared at the painting still, the men came back, still laughing. At that point, I was in tears. Silent tears.

Now, today, I felt sad because I was deeply confused. My boyfriend had said, "I was depressed once, but I had a reason, because I had no dad. So, I'll see if you have depression... Why are you so sad?"

I replied with, "That's my problem, I don't actually KNOW what makes me feel this way..."

He replied with, "You're not depressed."

Coincidentally, he had said this RIGHT after I had confirmed to myself that I was depressed, which made me cry in confusion again. I stayed away from home and walked around streets for about half an hour. As I was walking home, I heard a loud roar of an engine and as I looked into the car window, I saw my teacher from yesterday. He had recognised me and smiled, which OF COURSE made me cry. He seems so happy all the time.. It confuses me SO MUCH! It seems that happiness makes me sad, but it seems absurd! Anyway, I'm supposed to be getting some help soon. But not soon enough. I don't know how to explain anything...

8 Replies

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  • Hi

    Oh that does all sound confusing, having such conflicting emotions and not understanding what they are about.

    Whether you are depressed I don't know, but you sound unhappy right now and confused, and that is the time to find someone to talk things through with.

    You say you are at school, so perhaps your school has a student counsellor who you can ask to speak to? If not then ask your pastoral care teacher as they should know where you can go.

    If you don't want to ask anyone at school then maybe you could ask your doctor as they can also suggest where you can find someone to talk things through with.

    You say you are supposed to be getting some help soon, so perhaps it is from one of the places I have suggested? Meanwhile you could phone Samaritans or Childline as neither of those are just for people who feel desperate but are for people who need someone to talk to - which you do.

    You can talk to us online as well though I know that's not the same :)

    Suexx

  • Thanks! And yes, I have arranged to speak to the school councellor. The first two sessions will be meeting her with my friend to feel comfortable. After that, I'm on my own.

  • I am glad, hopefully the counsellor will be someone who you feel able to talk to. Keep in touch because we are here and can support you too. Sue x

  • Hi, it's completely OK and natural to be confused about why you are feeling the way you are so there's nothing to worry about.

    The human mind is a very complex organ, as is depression. It doesn't work as logically as people perceive it to. You don't have to have a reason to be depressed; it's much like the weather, it just is. My friends friend was severely disabled. He had a horrific childhood; his siblings bullied him, stole off him and beat him yet he is an extremely positive person. On the other hand, I've known people that have all the money they need, a great family and support network of friends yet they become depressed. So as you can see, depression doesn't work on logic at all! There are a number of individual differences (for example genetics, personality types, life experiences, substance abuse, the list goes on!) that all contribute equally to the onset of depression.

    If you're unsure how to word things or explain what you're feeling, that's okay! Everybody has difficulty expressing themselves at one point or another. You just need to know that there are so many people out here to help you, whether it be on these forums, via a close family member or friend or a doctor. However, I highly recommend that you speak to a professional about how you are feeling. Don't be scared about how to word it, just do your best. Doctors and GP's are extremely patient and understanding people and they will give you as much time as you need. You don't even have to talk to them about everything in one sitting if you don't want to. Like I said, take as little or as much time as you need. Once they have the full picture, they will know best what to do to move forward with your situation. I hope this helps :) xxx

  • Just remember that we don't need a reason to justify depresaion, there always is one whether u known it or not but it doesn't have to define it OK? It would seem your boyfriend is confused because he went through it himself and knows the struggle thus being confused as to why you feel down - perhaps he, as yourself, can't see why?

    The emotion of happiness is often deprived from us when depressions strikes however it is how we replace it, if u will. Perhaps the resentment to happiness is a way of showing your depression. For myself it shows in anger, perhaps is some ways you envy people who r happy?

    I hope you reply and let me know what u think?

    Best wishes

    Dani xx

  • I possibly do envy the happy. I heard that you write poetry to vent your anger and bad moods? I write some poetry for a teacher who I getting me some help. I'm gonna go read up on your account, like a stalker. Thanks.

    -DeadBanana

  • You are more than welcome to read my account :)

    Poetry has always been a good vent - have u ever thought of posing the poems online, aknowlagment for the prima may help?

    I would reccommend 'Deep underground poetry.com' or poet freak I use both with the user name 'Deathnotewhovian' :D

    I look forward to your Updates DP - hope it works out :)

    Dani xx

  • Sorry to hear your going through so much pain . Stay with it as help is at hand . So many of us on this site also experience the same pains and are so willing to help with chats and advice .listen to the reply s and advice . Take care .

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