Not alone

It helps to see that other people are in the same boat. I moved away from my family and friends because my husband got a great job. I doing OK I made new friends and then we moved again. Now I am lacking the motivation to make new friends. I have a cleaning business, but I make little to no money. I push myself to go to school even though I have no idea what I want to do. I only go Cuz my husband wants me to go. I hate wasting money on me. I don't feel I deserve him. He really doesn't understand what I'm going through. I hate the daytime Cuz I have so much to do. I sleep way to long. I want to be normal. I'm tired of feeling this way. I notice the more i isolate myself the more panic attacks I have when I'm in social events. Plus I don't have health insurance till the end of next month. So I guess I have to wait till then to get therapy. Sorry for the ranting, but I don't know what else to do. I want to be a better wife. I want to be a better person.

22 Replies

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  • I think you need to sit your husband down and tell him about how you feel. If you do not want to go to school do not go. This is your life you have a say in it you must do things that make you happy not sad.

    A good marriage is based on trust and communication please tell him how you feel and talk about it x

  • I appreciate your reply. I have talked to him how I feel. I told him everything. He says he doesn't know how to help me. He just wants me happy. I don't know what makes me happy yet. I like helping people and drawing.

  • Then perhaps a training course to develop your drawing skills which you could then use to teach children, adults. I have a friend who works with autistic children using art to develop their communication skills.

    Who knows but the world is your oyster so begin by stopping doing the things that make you unhappy.

    Good luck and best wishes

  • Thank u so much bugpus. That's a great idea. I appreciate your input. Wish there was more people like you. Thank you again. I need to get out of this hole I'm in. I'm so happy I wrote on here. Thank you again.

  • It sounds as though you find it difficult to feel sufficient belief in yourself to make the moves forward. Have you sought any help from your GP who could refer you for confidence building counselling?

  • If he wants you to be happy then that suggests he cares about you, which is really positive. It sounds as though you are struggling to understand how to move forward in your life.

  • It is easy to say you want someone to be happy, but it means nothing without willingness to take action. Has he said what he is prepared to do to help you feel happy?

  • Hello welcome to our site.

    Why do you do go to school because your husband says to go, you do not say what the class is and if you are interested. You should be taking part in studies of subjects that interest you , not your husband

    Everyone seems when depressed to be not worthy, or being a failure, you are not alone here,

    When it comes to friends it seems that with moving you have been unable to keep in contact with them when you moved on, I suppose you must be feeling lonely and out of touch with those who know you. You must be feeling unsettled because of your situation.

    You say you have no health Insurance, so I gather you do not live in the UK, this is no problem to me, only to you as you are unable to get treatment because you would need to pays costs at this time.

    Your panic attacks seem to have been also caused by the moving and it would seem your husband is not understanding your symptoms, caused by this illness.

    Remember a partnership that you are in is of two people. Both have needs and many would say yours are not been met.

    One real problem I can see is that you have a cleaning company, how are you managing to keep it running, moving around must be a real problem and I suppose you will need to start again when you keep moving. Hence the company not making much money, very unsettling.

    You need to sit down and think what YOU want to do. Sit down with your husband and discuss your concerns.

    As soon as you can see a Doctor go and arrange a treatment plan.

    We are here to chat as we have a very understanding group here

    All the best

    BOB

  • Thank u so much Bob. Talking to people outside of the situation is helping alot. I'm so glad I'm not alone.

  • Hi Stucknarut

    You say you moved because your husband got a great job. You guys are a couple, so any great job has to be great for you both. If it is not great for you in a social way, you should at least get some other compensation in the form of investment for your future, money to spend on yourself now, travel, new experiences. No-one should be expected to give up their life for another without some kind of return.

    One thought about you going to school. This is an investment in your future. If you have not got a lot of qualifications this will help you in ways that you may not even know exist. It is a boost to one's self esteem, can make you feel more equal to your husband, can help you make friends which will last a lifetime no matter where you live, will help you in your business as you will have more credibility, and might pave the way to a whole new career for you too. Learning can also be fun if you throw yourself into it. It also gives you a reason to get up each day, and also stops social isolation from creeping in. Don't worry about why your husband wants you to do this, do it for you. If you do not have a clear plan for the future, so what, not many of us do, and things often do not tend to work out as we plan anyway.The important thing is to keep plugging away, and try to have some fun along the way.

    It might help you to realise that you already have given up more than most women would, and stop putting yourself down. You might not be earning a lot, but heck at least you are earning something. If you worked out how much your husband would have paid out for the support a wife gives (since you have had to give up your own chances to help his career) and add that to your earnings, you probably are worth as much as him financially, so do not feel bad about spending on you, although I am not advocating you go out and blow the monthly paycheck, or that kind of negates the whole point of sacrifice to build a better future. All I mean is that you should feel equally entitled to treat yourself as your husband does. You are not a burden on him, you are the wind beneath his wings. If you are not fully employed, is that not a result of giving up your past life for him?

    On the practical side, marrying a man who moves a lot for his work takes a special kind of mindset. Your marriage needs to be strong, he needs to appreciate the huge sacrifice you make for him and be supportive of what you need from him, and you have to be very resilient to manage rebuilding each time. Even if someone tells you this before hand, you may not have understood how hard it is. If you are the sort of person who needs routine, a lot of friends and local contacts, it will feel particularly hard on you. Your husband might be getting all he needs from his work, his colleagues and you, but you do not have the same support system. This is why Forces wives form groups and support systems to help them cope. Is there any such group of women within your husbands career?

  • Wow that's alot to think about. I never looked at that way. Thank u. There are a few wives and girlfriends of his co workers, but they all have jobs and or kids. I'll look into that.

  • I hope my perspective helps in some way. Of course, what is right for me may not be right for you, but it another way of looking at life.

  • Thank you Findingme. It really helps to look at the situation a different way. I really appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

  • Hi

    I am answering your post without having read other people's replies as it feels important for me to hear what you say is your problem.

    Don't apologise for ranting, the site is for expressing your feelings, for saying whatever you need to say (so long as it isn't rude, or swearing :) ) - if you need to rant, then rant!

    It must be hard having a business that works you hard but still making little money, so wanting to go to school sounds like a good move. However you say your husband wants you to go - I hope you mean he wants you go to because you want to go and not just because he wants you to be doing something other than cleaning?

    It sounds from what you write as if you have had a hard time with moving twice, especially as you put effort into making friends after the first move, that must have been difficult for you after leaving your family and friends where you had been living. I guess your lack of motivation to make new friends again is because you put effort into making friends before only to find that came to nothing as you had to move anyway. I wonder how you feel about that. In your position I would feel angry. However good the reason for moving it still means that you are once again without friends and having to find the effort to start all over again, and that is difficult for anyone to do. Did you want to move, or move reluctantly because your husband wanted to? I can appreciate that if we had the chance of a better job then moving might have been necessary, but I am wondering whether the decision was a joint one or was one made entirely by him and which you had to go along with.

    You say you don't deserve your husband - that sounds as if your self-esteem is quite low, perhaps because while he is in a good job you are 'only' a cleaner - there is nothing wrong with being a cleaner but the fact that you want to go to school suggests you would want to be doing something more interesting and rewarding, perhaps a job more like your husband's, one that is better paid and that allows you to move around if and when you want to rather than having to follow your husband's job.

    It's hard to know whether any of what I have said is how it is for you, but you say you want to be normal and that suggests you feel there is something wrong with you, that you are not normal?

    Yes, I can understand why when you have isolated yourself then you tend to have panic attacks, I think that is a very normal response to suddenly having to cope with talking to people when what you actually feel like doing is withdrawing from company.

    You say your husband does not understand what you are going through - but I wonder does he know, have you talked with him about how you feel? If you have and you still feel he does not understand then part of what is making you feel angry is that though you have adjusted to his needs by following him around after his work, he is not adjusting to you by understanding your needs too. It may be that he is not sensitive to how it might feel for you to be drudging your way through the days while he seemingly has a more interesting or successful job? I don't know if that is true, but if it is then you are right to feel anger as that is a normal response.

    Perhaps you can write some more about your situation so we can understand better and offer you more support?

    Suex

  • So, now I have read what you have written in response to other people and it sounds as though your husband is supportive of you and loves you. I guess one issue is whether or not you love him? I am asking that because it will have a lot to do with what your anger is about. You have written about liking helping people and drawing and there are things you can do about pursuing those into a career for yourself, but I guess I am asking myself what your anger is about. You have not really said much about that. I wonder whether your anger is not just about your situation now, but is perhaps a feeling that goes back into your past? I am asking that because your self-esteem is low and I am wondering where that comes from, how it relates to your lack of qualifications that would have enabled you to have a career of your own. It sounds as though your husband is successful and I am wondering whether you feel you are not, whether you compare yourself to him and that knocks your self-esteem lower. You say you do not deserve him - why not? What do you feel you have done, what is it that makes you feel undeserving of him and what is it about him that makes him better than you - from what you have written it sounds as though you compare his career to yours and you come out as the loser. If so, then that is sad. I am really not sure. I feel there is something you have not yet felt able to write but which would explain your feeling undeserving of him, after all he is just a man pursuing his career, why does that make him so marvellous that you are not good enough for him?

    Suex

  • I do love him. I'm just mad at myself for not working harder on a promising career for me. I'm jealous of my husband. I want to able to be proud of myself for making really good money and helping with paying our dept. I feel that his parents think I'm using him so I don't have to work. Maybe its all in my head. My husband always says I'm my own worst enemy. My husband says I do a lot by keeping up on the bills and taking care of the apt we live in. I know he feels that I could work for a better paying job. He keeps asking me to find another job. By the time I find a job ill be going to school. Its super stressful for me to work and go to school.

  • It's good that he appreciates what you do in terms of taking care of your apt and keeping up with bills, etc, that sounds very positive.

    It's not easy to find work, especially now with the recession still hitting hard so do try not to beat yourself up about it. It's not so much about you as about the lack of opportunities at this time.

    Do you go to school now then, what are you studying. In the UK we have adult returners courses which in one year took me from having no qualifications to Uni entry, do you not have any of those where you live? We call them Access courses, not sure what they might be called in the US but perhaps you could phone the Uni and find out? What would you like to study, maybe art or psychology?

    Suex

  • Thank you for your help and reading my posts. It's nice to talk to someone about this. My husband and I talked about this move a week before he left. Actually we had no choice. We had a lot of dept and his parents said it was best to move for this job. At the time I was working as a waitress and going to school to get my B.A. We didn't see any other choice. So we moved 1,8000 miles away from home. The company he got the job was a joke. They lied about the pay and lied about other things too. We didn't have the money to move back and we didn't have a job to go back to. So we stayed in this little town with this company. I had friends,but I had no future to better myself.So we looked for the same line of work around the area and year later he found a better company in another city. We moved again. We moved to a city where I can better my future and where my husband can work. Back home I was usually the social butterfly. But I feel I'm out of my element. I got a few jobs as a waitress, but I found out the company was taking my tips. The last place I work management verbally abused me and stressed me out. I gained a lot of weight and started not caring anymore. I'm tried of people taking advantage of me. I have explained to my husband how I feel. He just tells me he loves me and tells everything will be ok, but it is not. I'm tried of feeling helpless, depressed,and moody. I actually thought I was possessed. I watch to many horror movies. Lol. I'm not the fun loving carefree cool chick I used to be. I just don't see the point in things. Also my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 2 years and nothing is happening. I'm pretty emotional about that. It just seems my husband is just going through the motion and is to tried to deal with my depression. He says he doesn't know how to help and i don't either. I love him so much. I don't want to lose him. I wanna be me again. I wanna be able to go to work like everyone else and just be happy like other people.

  • Oooh sorry, you are already studying for a BA - well done! No wonder you are finding things difficult, working full-time and studying at that level. Give yourself a very big pat on the back. I imagine you are stressed and tired from all the work. ~What is your BA in, which subject?

    Suex

  • Oooh all that is hard, thank you for sharing it all with me!

    I'm glad you love your husband and that he loves you even though he struggles to know how to help you. It would be sad to see your relationship flounder so hold onto that love, both of you.

    I'm not surprised you are tired, I would be exhausted. Are there still money worries - sorry I don't mean to be personal but if there are then that is not only an additional burden but also means your options are limited in terms of how to move forwards.

    Over here in the UK we would probably have the right to funding at night school to get qualifications, probably in a year, enough to go to Uni, and that would be funded too even though it would have to be paid back. In the US I know you are not so lucky, but apart from that I know nothing about what possibilities are available to you, so all I can really do is to support and encourage you.

    I left school at 15 with no qualifications and it wasn't until I was 40 that I began to go back to school, now I have two degrees and about seven post-grad qualifications which is great. I enjoyed studying, in fact LOVED it, and now know I am extremely bright as you may also be. It's so different studying as an adult. I don't know how old you are which also makes a difference. You say you are wanting to get pregnant so I guess you are in your 20s maybe. If so then you need to decide - do you want to work hard for a few years in a way that moves you forward, then have the family, or do you feel perhaps because of your age that it would not be sensible to put off having children for a while. If you are young enough to feel that would be ok, then I would seriously consider getting qualified in something and then having the children. The reasons I say that are firstly that you feel undeserving and those feelings are unlikely to be improved by having babies - in fact the likelihood is that you will become more depressed because the demands upon you emotionally will be greater as will your need for your husband's understanding. If you are able to get a qualification before having children then as a family you will some choices of employment, a lot more than you have now, more money for your family - and children do cost lots - and more importantly you will enter motherhood with much higher self-esteem and your children will feel the effects of that, they will feel better in themselves and you will have helped set an example of how it is possible to overcome adversities. So... that is all if it is realistic to wait - and if you want to.

    If you feel motherhood has to be soon, for whatever reason, then I would seriously consider finding a course that will help to improve your sense of yourself as a worthy person regardless of your work or anything else that is stopping you from feeling you deserve your husband's love.

    It would be easy to think of that feeling as a sign that you are depressed, and in part that may be so, but I think going onto meds in order to treat your feelings would be a negative move and one that would have long term implications. Your situation has been difficult and your responses have been absolutely normal, in fact natural, in response to what has happened to you and your husband in recent years. In fact I would say that it would be very unusual if you had managed well and felt fine! It's extremely hard to be socially alone, to feel you had to leave family and friends, to keep starting again, and you are doing well to be managing at all! It is a sign of your health that you have turned to this website for support and have talked about things with your husband.

    So... you like helping people and like to draw... but at the moment you have a cleaning business... Do you need to keep the cleaning business - and do you mean you do all the cleaning yourself, do you have any spare time? You need to think about how you might shift your life towards your interests (helping people and drawing) in the most expedient way possible in your circumstances.

    I am too tired now to write more - it's way past my bedtime now - but maybe we can carry on the conversation some more and get you moving forward. I know other people in the group will support you too and come up with lots of good ideas, we are a friendly and mostly - though not all - mature group of people with lots of life experiences.

    Night and bye for now,

    Suex

  • Well I decided to to go for physical therapy. Here in Texas I will take me 2-4 yrs to finish my program. Since my husband makes to much money I don't get help from the government for school. So we are having trouble paying for my schooling. That's why I need to work. Like I said before we have alot a dept. Which is mostly from our honeymoon and Drs visits. I agree that I should work on me and my career first before I have kids. I want to be a great success story for my kids. I want them to have confidence. I don't have much. I want to be a better role model. Thank u so much for talking to me. Your helping alot. Maybe I should move to the UK. Lol. It seems a bit easier. Are u a psychologist or something?

  • I've have worked at a place where I could help people with there daily pt. I really enjoyed it. As of right now I'm not sure if will study some speciality. I think once I get my feet wet then I see what I'm interests are.

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