Im stuck and fed up with my life!

I dont know from where to start..

I fed up with this life and I cant live anymore with myself or with others :(

I always used to be a fighter and an optimestic person, but the amount of problems I have been having recently crushed me!

For the first time in my life and for 3 month I've been feeling hopeless and that life is just pointless. I tried so hard to get out from this state of mind but I couldnt. I I have been going to the gym and trying new things. I even went for a long distance solo hiking for two weeks to clear my mind and improve my mood.. nothing worked tho.. the problems in my life are still there and I cant solve them, and Im tired of waiting.. I dont see any escape. Its so unfair since I have no hand in the problems I have :(

I cant sleep, I lost my interest in my work which I used to love, and I find no pleasure in anything that I do. I dont have anymore energy for social life.. Im quiet most of the time..

I really dont want to give up.. I dont want to die, but it feels that my life on Earth is about to end!

Plz advice.

ps, pls dont tell the typical things that life is beautiful and any problem can be solved. Better if you save it. It wont help.

14 Replies

  • You wanting not to die is a great thing,that means your soul is still alive and wants a fighting chance to keep your place here on earth.I know this because there was a time my soul wanted to stay here to but it dosent want to fight agenst my pain anymore so it's on the same side now,I'm telling you this because earley on I took a overdose just waiting for it to kick in,so please don't do anything silly because everything in your life can change but death can't .I don't know if I took enough but I guess I will find out in the morning as I don't have anymore,so again please DONT let others take your life because it's because of others I laying here talking to you

    Take care.

  • Staano, I can relate. I worked for a major newspaper for almost 10 years, had a wonderful job with a good compassionate well-rounded boss, but the last 3 years everything changed. My new cold and uncaring bosses deemed me unworthy, wrote me up as a substandard employee, and I was terminated. I suffered from anxiety, panic attacks, you name it—all capped off with major depression (the cherry on top). Years later, I've come to understand my depression wasn't only from being written up and terminated, it was the sum of a whole host of problems. Life is difficult and stressful for most people.

    We can't always get what we want.

    We can’t always be who we want to be.

    When this reality is denied or resisted, suffering arises in the form of stress, frustration and self-criticism. When this reality is accepted with courage, we generate positive emotions of kindness and care that help us cope. Hope this helps a little. :)

  • wow! very well said stressBuster. I had a very similar experience with a major job change. It is amazing how these life changes can affect a person in every layer of their being. I feel like I am in the midst of an major identity crisis. I am a husband and a father to two boys. Last summer I was denied access to the US because of a work visa issue. Had to leave the US company that I was working for and now working for a Canadian company. Same industry but different capacity. I went through a serious bout of major depression last summer also (I suffer from bi polar disorder). Just getting my head back in the last couple of months. I was changing some medication around and I had a horrible X 10 experience. Almost checked out a few times. thankfully I had the support of a loving wife and family.

    Before that I was living' the dream, 180k yearly, for years, great family life, friends, was great. And then the reality fairy paid me a visit. Life has a way of challenging people. Change is not easy but I sure woke up from that dream and realized allot of things about life and my self.

    Right now I am not impressed with the world and so many of the things that are going on. I am sensitive to global situations and for some reason feel I need to carry some of the weight?? At the new job for 8 months still feeling awkward about it. I had developed a bit (ok allot) of an ego in my last job but quickly realized that I had to take about 50% off with my new gig.

    With all that said, Reality can suck, but you need to try and shape it into something that works for you. Nothing is for sure, forget about the past, its gone, don't worry about the future, your not there yet, go day to day for a while and realize and make the best of the time that you are currently in.

  • Have you been to see your GP at all? and what was their attitude.

    You might find that some meditative practices could help you get some of the balance back. It doesn't work for all people but sometimes it helps with being able to let the thoughts go eg buddhist monks kept in awful conditions have managed to use the technique to not lose hope in situations that would have crushed anyone else. If you decide to look into this then it is probably best to find a group - this is partly because that means there will be a leader there that you can discuss things with - but it is also to do with maintaining contact with other people. It is so easy to withdraw when you are depressed and yet so important that you don't withdraw from other people.

    Sharing on this community is good.

    When you are depressed there are also chemical changes in your brain and it may be that some medication might help redress this and put you back in a place were you can identify and enjoy some of the things that mattered to you in the past again.

  • hi ive been the same for 4 months now i look at trains when they pass and think no way am i throwing myself at that so something wants me to stay.,my life seems to be on hold. i have a partner and a four year old beautiful daughter i dont live with them right now due to my condition.but when i go see them if i argue with my partner it brings me right back down again.she does not understand what's going on and is very frustrated my daughter calms me but i feel so guilty im doing this to them but its something out of my on 20mg cit which has helped a little but its no cure.i sit and wonder how long is this going to be.i hope you keep trying i know what you are going through and my heart goes out to you but Keep Going

  • Hi Staano. I can totally relate to what you are going through. I too was a fighter & a doer. Before my injury, I competed in sports. I was also in the military so I had the mindset of working hard & getting things done. Many years ago, I was injured in the line of duty. It was a career ending injury. I tried really hard to recover & get back to work but my pain spread throughout my body & I was forced to retire. I died a hundred deaths. I lost everything--my health, my relationship, my activities, my sports, my friends, my home, my dreams, my full pension & my mind. I had to fight WC hard for my benefits. What little possessions I had left were burned up in a wildfire in CA. I sunk down to the darkest levels of the abyss. It was pure blackness without a speck of light. I was in a lot of pain—physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually. Even my mind & my thoughts hurt me. I felt as if my soul was crying out. I too felt crushed, hopeless & helpless. I tried to reach out to therapists, nuns, priests, ministers but no one, not even a physiologist or a physiatrist could understand or relate to the intense grief, pain & darkness I was experiencing. In the midst of all this loss I was so angry—angry at God, the world, of people & of life. I could not be around people. I too was being told the same things which only made me angrier. I probably was the only person disappointed that the world didn’t end when the Mayan calendar ended. I tried medications but they only made me feel worse. Believe me, I struggled everyday just to get up, brush my teeth, warm up a can of soup, write checks for the bills, go for a walk & take a shower.

    Those years are now a blur but back then I nearly ended it. I thought if we do come back for another life, I do not want to come back to this world and go through all this crap again. If I end it, I will have to. There is no way you can move to the next stage of your spiritual existence when you take your own life regardless what your beliefs are. Your life does not end after this one. I realized that I am going to have to persevere whatever comes my way. I went for walks, hikes & even tent camped by myself ( I still do) but I seemed to be living apart from the world & everyone in it. Nothing gave me comfort. I read many books from the library about grief, chronic pain & depression. It help me validate what I was going through & that I wasn't crazy. I did all I could with my physical pain & mental pain.

    Then I started to approach this pain & darkness as a spiritual crisis. I really didn’t have any firm beliefs but I seemed to be searching from within. For what, I don’t know. I seemed to be guided here & there, to read this & that, to learn what I could about different spiritual teachings. I wanted to know why I was in so much pain & what can I do to lessen it. I wanted to know what is the point of all this suffering, of all this pain, all this darkness & all this violence. I read books from Caroline Myss, Pema Chodron, Eckhart Tolle & many others on awakening from within. I listened to recordings from seminars from the authors. I followed a Buddhist Monk for a few years studying the Four Noble Truths. I learned more about Christianity & went on a pilgrimage to Israel. I learned more about the Catholic Church & it’s teachings. I worked at the Church for years, went on silent retreats & on another pilgrimage. I still don’t have any firm beliefs. I have seen & experienced a lot and there is no one path or one religion that is the real deal & has all the answers. I just go with the flow. Sometimes I step up and try to make a change when one is needed which doesn’t make me a popular person because people don’t like changes.

    I volunteered with charities. I kept myself busy doing & learning new things. I didn’t care what it was. I took classes at the college to finish my degree which is now no good to me but I finished it. I took very interesting classes on Sacred Literature & Philosophy. There are many gems about life in each of the sacred texts. It also opened my mind. I am not so rigid & judgmental. I have much more respect for others & compassion for their situations because I know can relate to a lot of them & I can offer some suggestions. I volunteered to help people with their pets. Fur therapy is wonderful. I help my neighbors with gardening. Getting out in the sun & fresh air is good for the body, mind & soul. Pulling weeds is therapy for me. I play with the lizards. Now, I teach Tai Chi Chuan & I am back to painting. For me, this journey has had unbelievable twists & turns.

    I am very comfortable by myself. I have more freedom & less drama. I don't rely on others or things to make me happy. Being quiet is good. Sometimes I think people talk too much and most of what they say isn’t good. I do not like gossip. It’s not about withdrawing from the world & everyone. Something is going on inside your soul. A change needs to take place inside & outside of you. There is a time when silence is necessary. It’s like you are a caterpillar in a cocoon. You’re in the midst of a change. We are still evolving not just physically, but mentally, emotionally & spiritually. I don’t know what your personal situation is but something has to change. It’s scary but you have to do something even if it is small. Talk to friends; contemplate on what options you have then make a change. Don’t try to solve the problems. Work through them. When you are walking alone in a quiet place ask yourself what can I do? How can I help myself in this situation? Then wait for an answer to come to you from inside giving you suggestions on what to do. Don’t listen to the angry voice or the depressed voice. If it’s problems in the family, sit down with the TV & phone off & discuss it and see what your options are for a change. Don’t argue or fight. Stay away from alcohol & drugs which will make the problem much worse. I don’t know if you have kids or what their ages are. Hang in there & be the best Mom you can be. They grow up quickly.

    All of this is a journey, a journey to be a better person, to mature mentally & emotionally, to be more compassionate, to be more open, be more forgiving & to help others. It’s no longer about “you,” “me,” or “I.” It's not about who your are or what you have, who you know nor is it about what you have done. I have seen many people in worse circumstance that I am in. Pain, loss, grief, depression, changes, accidents, injuries, diseases...unfortunately are all part of the journey & it doesn’t end here. There is more to come. These are all situations that give you opportunities to change & grow. It’s how you respond to it. It’s about keeping your thoughts in check & about finding your center from within & to act with a plan. Don't let your mind run away with you like a runaway horse. Pull back on the reins & say "Whoa" to yourself. Don't slip into the usual habit of reacting to something that happened. Emotionally step back from the situation and look at it as an observer objectively.

    Just take it one day at a time. Find something you enjoy or used to enjoy outside of work. Hey, buy an adult coloring book from Dover Publishing, go to Target and buy some Crayola coloring pencils, the big box, and color when you feel your worst. Art is good therapy. Don’t dwell on the problems. Relax. Go somewhere no one will bother you. Have some quiet time for yourself. This is the setting where the answers & the directions come from. I practically lived at the library. Now my life is simple. I found that the nighttime was the time I could relax & feel some relief. I am now use to the darkness. My chronic pain is now my friend. I am used to the emptiness & being alone. And that is OK. I am still engaged in the world but I am not a part of it, of its gossip or it's drama. I try to stay out of the games others play.

    Look for instructors that teach meditation, QiGong, Tai Chi Chuan & Yoga to help you find your inner balance. It will help you deal with all these issues & with work. This also will help you become more creative at work too. Once you settle you mind, new ideas emerge. Try new things. I know that I felt empty, as if I was the walking dead. It took years for me to pull out of it. Eventually, I found something I could do & enjoy doing. I have a new perspective on things. Hang in there. Go back to the basics—drink plenty of water, eat good food, take your medication & get some sleep. Ask your doc for some help with depression & sleep. I took me many years before I found something to help me. Eventually, the darkness started to fade & things got better. This is the journey of the soul! You might just be starting on this path of change which takes many years to get through. I know this is a long & odd posting but I wouldn’t believe you if you told me years ago that all this was going to happen to me. Funny how life is.

  • Wow!! Many good points here. Interesting, encouraging post. Thank you :)

  • Thank you LARC. I was afraid I may have said too much. I spoke to a friend yesterday. She has a PhD in chemistry and is taking several drugs for severe depression stemming from mother issues when she was growing up. She too wanted to end her life years ago. I asked her what she did to "get out of that dark hole." She too started with the basics starting the day with a shower then a walk. She took one day at a time & worked on finding medications that she responded to. She doesn't believe that there may be a spiritual side to depression & pain. I did expect her to say that. She just believes that it is “just a chemical imbalance.” My question to her would be don't you think there also may be another contributing factor in addition to the chemical imbalance? I didn't pursue it further because this is something you have to find out for yourself. I often talk to whoever is listening up there and ask, "What the hell is this darkness." What do you want me to do?

    I noticed my friend continued to talk & talk about her childhood over dinner and of all the bad things that happened to her. She is in her late 60s. It seemed like she would not let it go. There was no understanding or forgiveness for her mother. There was still a lot of anger. All this cost her her career. I understand that she had a difficult childhood but there has to come a time when you have to let it go. All that disappointment & anger is only going to hurt you in one way or another. It forms a black cloud that follows you everywhere, in every relationship, in every state & throughout the years. It also leads to depression & chronic illnesses.

    “Your biography becomes your biology” Caroline Myss tells us in “Why people don't heal and how they can.” You can see her speak about this on Youtube. Your library may have the book. This dark cloud will literally suck the energy out of you day after day. So how are you investing your energy? I am too looking for answers and I think she as much to offer. I may not agree with everything she says but there are things to consider. Just a thought.

    So if there are problems in the current relationship no doubt you both have come into the r/ship with baggage. Of course who doesn't have baggage. You need to be honest and know what that baggage is & how it contributes to the situation at hand. No one is 100% right and the other is 100% wrong. I have found that both have a part. It may be 40-60 or 20-80 or 50-50? So ask yourself, what is your part? How are you contributing to the problem? How are you reacting out of habit or learned behaviors from your parents? My mom used to scream, get angry then become violent. Yes, women can be the aggressors in a domestic violence situation! You can't communicate with a person like that. I have seen people allow their emotions to spin out of control. They scream, insult one another and much worse. I know it's hard but don't allow yourself to be dragged into instant anger. Grab those reins to the mind chatter and pull back hard before it turns into anger then rage. Mind chatter + raw emotions = anger & perhaps violence.

    The key is to be the watcher of your mind chatter. In many cases, the mind chatter starts first, then your emotions tag on to the chatter and then you spin out of control. If you watch the chatter & how you react, you will start to see the games being played between you & your spouse. Please, please do not argue or fight in front of your kids. It was so hard to see two parents acting like 5 year old children. I had to step in even as a little kids to try to stop them from beating the crap out of one another. I think the very first call I made was to the operator to send the police.

    Boundaries have to be established for everyone and they must be clear. Communication is a must. I know how hard it can be but I am not going to stay in a r/ship if it has turned to pure poison. If you do, your depression will lead to illness. It may be time to reevaluate things. Sit down and say, "We have a problem." "How can we work through this?" "I am willing to do this if you can do that?" If you have kids, stay together until they move on to college. I know someone close who left his wife & 3 kids. The divorce was so very hard for them. The daughter became a drug addict and was in & out of jail & rehab. He died of cancer at a fairly young age. All easier said then done.

    No, I am not a therapist. I've experienced so much as a kid & an adult. I had a career where I seen so much on a daily basis. I hope this helps. Just food for thought. Take care all.

  • Thank you for sharing this. It is truly inspiring and was beautifully written. (:

  • Thank You. You take care! I hope Staano is OK. I know how difficult it was to be in her position and at that time, I really didn't care what other people said. For me, I didn't want to hear it. I hurt so bad and was in so much pain & darkness. I needed to tell my story. I guess I just want to talk & others to hear me. I was hurting way too much to listen to what others had to say even if it was good advice. I just didn't care because I had no hope. I didn't think I could change my situation.

    It's a very serious stage because it can lead to the unthinkable. I was there...someone, unknowingly, interrupted me. After that, I just kept trying to reach out...therapist, meetings, support groups, classes. I was so afraid of what the future had in store for me. I already lost so much. I spoke to a few people outside of my situation and they all said I had to step up and make some changes. I was afraid. I was comfortable yet miserable. I was also getting sicker & experiencing more pain.

    I had to make some very difficult decisions that would upset a lot of people. Thank goodness I wasn't married & I didn't have kids. I couldn't live like that anymore. I had to make some changes. I am not going to allow others to step all over me--disrespect me-- or trap me. All the aggravation was making my physical pain & depression worse. So after a lot of thought, I made a plan and I took small steps forward. When you are afraid, with some thought, you make a plan and you step forward carrying out that plan in small steps. That is how you work through the fear. You don't allow the fear to paralysis you. You have to step OUT of that messy comfort zone! You make a plan & keep moving through it.

    I didn't allow my emotions to take over in anger. I didn't get drawn into the dramas & the arguments. I didn't argue over stuff. I simply parted on good terms and moved into a small place of my own. It was a tough decision. I didn't allow my friends or family to discourage me because they really didn't know the true situation. I heard their take on the situation. When I finally did move, I felt relieved.

    Living alone can be very challenging. It took me many years to finally become comfortable with myself. Of course, the chronic pain made it even more difficult. I kept myself busy reading, studying, physical therapy, groups, classes, learning new things...trying to be a better person and live a quiet meaningful life. I volunteered here & there. I didn't jump back into another relationship. I didn't want to fall into the same pattern. I wanted to be responsible for my own happiness. I began to take small drives visiting new places, try new things & learn new things. It's unbelievable what I have done since!

    People think I am lonely. NO! There is a big difference between being alone & being lonely. I am very comfortable living alone & traveling alone. I am not lonely. I am very happy. I go places most people don't go. I've seen many things most people do not see. The peace you experience is beyond words. In fact, most people I've come across admire that and wish they too could experience it. It's like from a caterpillar to a butterfly.

    I see things much differently now. I can see clearly the games people play with each other, the manipulating, the sarcasm, the anger, the pettiness, the jealousy, the gossip... I can see how some people take advantage of other people, how some people prey on others and it's sad. I can't believe all the negative comments people make about others, around others, on the phone, behind other's sad! I am so happy I am no longer a part of that. I come home to a peaceful & quiet place. That helps me manage my chronic pain and I wouldn't have it any other way.

    Some people think it is not good for someone to live alone or there is something wrong with you. That is not true. A big shift happened inside me, physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually. I can't describe it. In plain words, you just had enough of playing the (dumb) games in life. Now, life is a bit more serious. You are life at a higher level. No more baloney. No more games. Also, when you are alone, there is more opportunity for peace & quiet and that helps me manage my pain. It also bring answers to personal questions and guidance on how to live my life & help others. Volunteering lead to job offerings & a contract. Crazy life we live with very unexpected twists & turns. I hope you too can find peace. Take care!

  • Staano, I don't really "like" your post (above) because it's miserable--no one should feel so low for 3 months--but your words sound like something I would say. I feel exactly like you do & I too am very tired of all the "typical" things people say trying to be helpful & encouraging; they don't help at all. I think the only differences between you & me are that I'm older than you & I've been feeling terrible much longer than you have. And I'm not sure why, but I have a feeling you will beat your depression eventually--I'm not that hopeful about myself. I'm "following" your posts now because I can relate so well to everything you said. It's like you took the words right out of my mouth. Please know that I care about how you're doing & I truly hope you get your life back before too much longer.

  • Have you tried talking to anyone about your feelings? when I had my TBI I suffered severe depression, counselling didn't work for me but medication did, the thing with anti-depressions is you have to watch when they have fixed your mood because they can be come quite additive (my boyfriend had to tell me when I was ready to come off them as he show the change in my mood and I started feeling things like happiness and excitiedness that I never felt after my injury) now talking about things helps my boyfriend is very logical so can normally find a solution to my issues (beside issues with my mum that's a hopeless cause), we are always here if you need to get things off your chest and I am sure there are charities and support groups you can go to. :-)

    I hope things pick up for you soon xx

  • Hi Staano,

    How are you doing? Have you spoke to your doctor about feeling down? Finding the right medication takes time but it is worth it. I am one for reading books from the library about depression, grief, chronic pain... It validates what you may be feeling and what you may be thinking. It may also give you ideas. I know that reading books is unappealing when you are down but I really try to grasp whatever information I can to address the situation I am in.

    Are you able to speak to anyone in your family who may be supportive? Sometimes it's hard to see the forest from the trees. Getting another view point may be helpful. Of course, if you ask, you need to be prepared for what you may hear. Try not to get defensive. Try to step outside your emotions and just listen. It's hard. You also have to be honest with yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and try to see how you are contributing to the problem as well. No one is 100% right and the other 100% wrong. It may be 50-50, 60-40 or 20-80. Sometimes, a lot of times, we really don't know what we say or do. I am always asking my sister for her opinion when I have an issue with someone. I try to be open minded and just listen. She knows me and that I am easily misunderstood and she gives me some suggestions. I try to see her point and try to make some changes.

    Perhaps you can use a friend as a sounding board. It is good to talk about it. I have found that when I speak with a friend about a problem I end up coming up with some ideas on what I can do. My friend will also throw in her two cents. She is not emotionally involved so she can see from a different perspective. I think attending a meeting at a support group can also help. When you hear others speak about their situations you might get some answers as to how to deal with your situation. It's also good to talk it out.

    Just don't let your mind continue to lead you down deeper in a dark hole with it's negative chatter. Sometime, our mind is not our best friend. Don't dwell on the negative thoughts. Don't allow your thoughts to spin out of control like a tornado. You can and will find a way to work through the problem/s. To get out of a problem requires action. Try not to be hard on yourself.

    Hikes are really good. I'm one for hiking alone. I have a friend who talks nonstop. I finish the hike more stressed out then when I started. So I go alone. Just hang in there and try to make small changes if you can. Again, see if you can find an instructor who teaches meditation, Tai Chi, yoga or Qigong. Just try it. There are many different types of meditation. I know you are going to feel a difference. Heck, I would even take a Karate class or sometime you can do to help you with more self esteem, self confidence & inner strength.

    Tai Chi...are forms of moving meditation. It allows you some time to settle your mind down. To stop the endless mind chatter. As you mind settles down so does your body. It becomes less tense. You will also learn to to breath deeper which also helps to calm you down. This is why Tai Chi...using movements, breathing techniques & meditation is effective for manage chronic pain. The moving meditation also helps you focus on the present--the here & now--not what happened in the past whether it happened 20 years ago or 20 minutes ago. You can give your mind a break--some rest. All this will help to relieve stress, anxiety & tension.

    Now you have to practice a few minutes each day. Eventually, you will become more rooted, find your center, balance your emotions, untangle some problems and get rid or change the things that interfere with your happiness. There are deeper ways these disciplines can help you but that takes time, instruction & daily practice. If you continue the practice you will start to notice that you are changing inside. You will be more flexible and openminded. Your mind will settle down. You will be able to see more clearly and you won't react to problems as you once did. You will also be more aware of what is going on around you. You don't allow yourself to be dragged into everybody's drama or game playing. You eat differently. You think differently. You act differently. You live differently--more simple. It does change you if you allow it.

    I have some participants in my Tai Chi classes continue to complain & gossip. Some of the older seniors start acting like children. They disrupt the class. It's funny because two of them are retired teachers and I know they would not have tolerated such behavior in their classes when they were teaching. They're stubborn & don't want to learn more. They refuse to consider any correction and insist in doing it their way. Some are very close minded and refuse to try new things. But there are some who want to learn more, to relax more and work/relax at a deeper level. So there are problems & drama even in a Tai Chi class. I found that the same is true with the members of the church & with charities. It's the same wherever you go & whatever you do. That is why I think my next home with be a cave in the desert;)

    Give it a try. Take care, DG

  • Like you, I hate it when people say "be grateful for..." and how everything in the world is beautiful. It just doesn't cut it when life feels like crap. The thing is, you have to start somewhere- I got back to basics and I have had to return to square one a few times as well. You sound like you made a start with gym and the hiking. Perhaps something more simple with a goal that you want. I tried to smile more because it is supposed to get the endorphins going in your brain and it worked. I put Smiley stickers on everything I used in the house and I smiled at them as much as I remembered to. Then I got some joke books and I watched comedy skits on You Tube- Eddie Izzard and the Death Star Canteen are my favourites. Then I tried to get some small daily routines going- getting up at the same time and having a decent breakfast. Then I thought I would cook one new recipe for dinner every week, with some nice fresh food. This got me to the markets to find new and seasonal things and so I got more involved in ordinary life. Gradually I took on more things, started to meet people for coffees or lunch and later I felt heaps better. I still go down sometimes but I pick up quicker with the things I know I can do. What have you tried lately? I hope you have been feeling a bit more lively.

You may also like...