What a day I am having. Work was very stressful and I feel I am on borrowed time there. Part of me wants that- part of me doesn't. I spent the afternoon with my boyfriend going for a meal and some errands like the bank and shops. Even though we had a great time - there was a moment I could feel the waves of anxiety just crashing down on me thinking about work and the personal responsibilities I have in my life right now. I actually felt a full blown panic attack might happen but It hasn't yet. It feels no one understands what I am trying to say.
At times I feel I just woke up and have to check out my surroundings. And I already will be in the middle of my day. It feels no one understands the gravity of what I personally have at stake. And that panics me much like a drowning person struggling for air. Why doesn't the people around me see it? I ask myself. I tell them there is a problem- and they just don't show any substance of understanding of what I am saying. I blame myself for not communicating properly. But also I really think people don't understand.
I know I need to cut something back in my life as I realize I have too much on my plate. Making those choices is very important to me. And making those choices correctly for me is even more important! I see my doctor again early next week. I just feel so unsettled and anxious that my body feels nauseous.
The new medication my doctor added to my existing ones is called Evvail. One of the symptoms is feeling dizzy especially if you get up too quick. That' I am willing to live with. But lately when it happens I feel paranoid that I might faint or even die. That is not like me at all to think like that. Plus I am being treated for a lung inflection that likely is making me feel I can't breath as easy when I do feel woozy.
At work after they revealed they believed I was mentally ill - things have never been the same. I dread going to work as much as I did going to be bullied everyday in grade school. I still have a hope something is going to happen and things will be okay. But what will happen I don't know. And what could or what I would like to happen I also don't know. There is another employee on the cusp of getting fired. I should know later today what will happen to him. I don't know if he gets fired if that increases me chances also. Or if he get fired if it will increase my chances of getting fired. Or if anything that happens to him will effect me. I feel it does because they will be showing their management style with whatever happens to him. Yet if he is gone it might be too much stress at the work place to loose two key people at once. Whatever will be - will be. I just am trying to solve the source of this nasty knot in my stomach!