I am home now have three shifts at work today. My embarassment is hard on me and in feel like I want to be somewhere no one knows I have medical depression. I feel humiliated and vulnerable. I hate being me.
I feel so anxious and feel like I have to find a way to show how I feel on the inside.
I want to clean out my apartment until it is nearly completely empty. Just purge everything from my life. I want to rehome most of my pets. And fill up as many plastic trash bags as possible.
At work I already threw away or took home anything there that was mine. I just want to remove any trace I was anywhere.
I want to get rid of things that are important to me and I want to get rid of anything cluttering my life. I feel like summer is over and it is time to pack up and leave before winter comes. Like slowly, slowly it is all coming to an end. Some of my pets will break my heart to say goodbye to but they will have better lives without me. I just want everything to be sparse and empty like how I feel on the inside. I want to make it that if someone else had to clean out my apartment they could do it easily with a couple of boxes.
My anorexic feelings are returning very strongly. I would love to feel that sickening gut feeling you get from not eating for a couple of days. I would love to see physical evidence on my body that I am hurting inside. I really don't think the people I have told understand. I feel no one believes me. I saw my doctor yesterday and he gave me new Rx to help me along with my regular pills.
I just feel like a whirlwind dust storm. And then I feel empty helpless and just want to cry. My favourite pet is sleeping on my elbow as I type this. To think of my life without him hurts me more than pretty much any of the other stuff. He doesn't care I am mentally unstable or a vile excuse and waste of life. He just innocently sleeps beside me like everything is okay in this world. He could be anywhere in my house right now and he wants to sleep on my elbow.
Really wish I was not alone right now. I think I should just try to go to sleep. How did I let my life get so out of control?