A rest

Had a good day on and of and I visited a historic home.

My interests are National Trust, English Heritage and Historic Houses the two former we have been life members for years and years and now we are running out of areas to visit. We can always find things that interest us and we always find something that stands out and gives us a kick.

Life in a way is just like that, we wander through the years, then decades and as long as we find something that interests or extends knowledge that seems to keep us going and I suppose we should be given something to keep us occupied.

Everyone should be the same, if they are lucky, and it is important that we extend ourselves and hopefully that should give us further reasons to be able to extend our years.

Generally I find the older oldies that keep their interests alive the longer they survive. One problem is that when their time comes the end can be more quick and dramatic. Generally it is that we all hope to happen to us, no pain and a quick end.

Sometimes I wonder when we are depressed, our lives may be shortened because we wish ourselves to an early end. Could it be a blessing if we could be given a prescription for the time and the interests that we wish to follow. So you may like gardening or swimming. The medication is the activity and the pleasure we derive from it. I sometimes wonder if we instead of taking medications out of a tablet box for the day, we were given a ticket to perform our interests instead of our multi coloured medications.

Just a thought

BOB and Pax, my Wife Hazel, my interests !!!

50 Replies

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  • Hi Bob I am glad you and your wife have interests like this. You forgot the most important thing though. It's having someone to share these with as it wouldn't be the same going on your own. That's the situation I am in and others on here.

    I think loneliness kills you quicker when you have depression as well. Bev xx

  • I agree Bev, I met my lovely hubby through the Soulmates column of the Guardian newspaper - friends said I was brave to put an ad but like you I was lonely and wanted to share my life. x

  • When young and daft I had the interest Ballroom and Latin dancing. We all met at the dance hall three times a week and life became very dynamic.

    I met Hazel in a dating group, under the clock at Newcastle Railway Station. I had plenty of dates with the dancing groups, although I was looking for something else

    Bobxxx

  • Hi Bob I found your Post very interesting. You are so right

    And it's very important to have interests and hobbies , We

    Really all need a reason for living and unfortunately Depression

    Sufferers tend to die earlier, statistically anyway.

    It's great you have Hazel and she must be glad to have

    You in her life.

    Hannah x

  • Hello Bev

    Yes i agree with your point, some of us will retire into a lonely period of time when we loose family, friends and Husband/Wives. Some people on their own will join the dog set or some sort of day centre. Age Concern comes to mind. Some in Society end up with the problem of loosing their Soulmate and that is so sad and I dread being left alone

    BOBx

  • Yes Bob, I will find it hard to be left alone if Danny dies before me - probably I will put another ad in the Guardian or do something that will enable me to meet someone to fall in love with/care about and live with if I can. I think it's better to share life than live alone although I know many people will not agree. I know that when I lived alone I had only myself to consider and didn't have to adjust to anyone else and I think having to take account of someone else stops me from being as selfish as I would easily become, my being a self-centred Leo - it is healthier for me to be put in my place sometimes... But also I would feel so lonely if there was no-one in the house all the time. Maybe I would take a lodger, or share the home with someone, who knows. But I agree it's not the same as being with a Soulmate. I am not sure Danny is entirely that for me, but he is certainly the partner I have been most happy with in my life and who most cares about me and forgives me for my faults, and I guess that is love :) Probably he loves me a little more than I love him, but research shows those are the relationships that last longest - interesting isn't it, men fall in love more easily (or think they are in love) but go on chasing whereas women settle down and are just content and less empassioned... How did I get into writing about all this¬ I only meant to write a two line response! xx

  • Sometimes I feel what would I do as well,

    I like coming onto this site for a chat, Have got Pax and Hazel and sad to say dogs have a life that is shortened.

    We lost our old dog to cancer caused by pollution caused from fluids from a car that was parked on a footpath. Life was hell for a time until we got Pax, although he is three and a half so hopefully living in the countryside will live longer than our old dog Pip. If anything happened to both of them life would become problematic.

    BOB

  • I think you have a lovely thought, Bob. If people were freely able to enjoy their pastimes and have enough time in the day to get the necessities of life done- everyone would be happier. Society and culture have found ways of doing everything faster than when I was growing up. My mother told me she learned to write with a fountain pen as a very young child starting school! And today kids that age already are typing in things on their computers. What has society and our culture done with the time saved by technology? Added more things on our plate. My grandmother scoured all the laundry clean with a washboard. Today people talk about having to do laundry like it is a chore to open the machine door and add soap and clothes. Our scale of what it is to be hard work has changed. But that was a good example of a positive change of course. All the time we used to spend toiling soil strictly to feed our families does not have to be alloted like it used to. But society fills up that same time with more kinds of work. Pressures to have two Cars and a big house and then never being home from jobs with such long hours to enjoy the more than we need luxuries in life. People need time to live simply and as how they would like to. We live in a culture of debt and never reaching happiness of someday things will be great when.... When the when is now. I have zero debt and good savings and investments- and I rent a modest home. My boyfriend is in so much debt he is about to loose a his home and everything else. People are working hard to pay and buy things that don't make them happy. It is just what they are supposed to do. Whereas if people had a free ticket to enjoy their own special personal interests- that would make everyone so much more at peace.💐

  • I agree Aspen but will add a couple of points. Even more tragic is the millions working all the hours God sends but still have barely enough to afford the basic necessities of life let alone luxuries. Many people are trapped in a cycle of high rents and the high cost of living in a minimum wage job. They are even more victims of the system.

    To give you an example where I am the cost of living is extremely high but too many of the jobs available ie carers like my sister was meant she would have had to work 60 hours a week to achieve a reasonable wage.

    And you are making me feel old! I am only 61 but I learnt to write with a fountain pen! They were a nightmare always leaking and making blobs. It wasn't until I was around 7 or so that ball point pens were invented. They revolutionised my life. :)

    Bev xx

  • Hello Bev

    I learned to write with a pencil then a metal nib, dipping it in an ink well. Then when I went to Secondary School I had to write with a fountain pen. Even at College I was still using ink, although then it was in an ink cassette

    We always find the cost of living in the South of England very expensive. We on occasions when we visit down there take on a holiday let and take the first week provisions with us.

    With regards holidays we could not afford holidays if we were not able to visit all the historic houses etc with our cards.

    In the past people had interests that were cheap and interesting. My Surrogate when she wanted to do something would get on public transport and travel on her bus pass from terminus to terminus, it seemed to get herself out and about. Very cheap day out.

    Life was simple in some ways and expectations were much lower then.

    BOBx

  • I understand what you are saying Bob but don't forget you still have to get to the historic places and you need money for that. Public transport is very expensive and running a car even more so. You still need money to do the cheap things. Bev x

  • And many people don't have credit cards or the money to pay for annual membership, we forget that if we have those we are reasonably comfortably off. x

  • Hello Bev

    We were left money and purchased our memberships with that so we have had those two cards since 1979 We could not afford to buy them now so we were lucky to get something like that then. Mind some places are really bad to get to and public transport can also be a problem. We have these life cards at the behest of a old family member.

    Every time we visit some where we remember who bought them for us.

    BOBx

  • Agree about long hours short/low wages, it would seem to any on visiting the Uk would think the upper crust are doing this on purpose, to keep the lower classes down and not understanding what is going on around them, so they are unable to afford their interests. Some would say that could be one reason why there is so much mental health issues

    BOBx

  • Well there is nothing new about it though Bob. The working classes have always had a very hard life no matter who was in Govt. In some ways it is better now and in others worse.

    There is nothing more soul destroying than slaving away in a low paid and repetitious job just to keep body and soul together.

    Bev x

  • Well said Bev! We have the term 'working poor'. I have a friend who lives with his sister and her two children. He makes enough money to make his car payment and buy fuel to get to work. But says he doesn't have enough money to buy fruit and vegetables for his family. He has no vices and has a lot of problems with his teeth and no money for the dentist. I spend about 40 to 45% of my monthly wage on rent. Which might make some people envious to hear! But I live in a rented apartment that I am embarrassed to let people see. I don't have a car so I need to live where I do to get to work twice a day 6 times a week. I walk about 6 miles everyday in total travelling to and from work. I don't have a cellphone or televison. I found a place at work where I can do my laundry for free. Which saves me the time camped out at a laundrymat and money too. I am very good at on-line shopping and buy everything from toothpaste to pet toys to clothes with free delivery. All that saves money too.

    I honestly have felt there is no way I could afford to have a child. And I work full-time with low living expenses for myself. I listen to parents talk in stores and there is no way I could have a child. When I was young I often wore my brothers hand me down clothes and was happy about it. But things appear different to today's children. My mother cut our hair bluntly straight with a pair of kitchen scissors. And we never absolutely ever ate out or had a family vacation. Instead we worked our own soil and never knew we had anything to complain about except maybe the awful problem we had with the sewer and flooding.

    My boyfriend was a rich kid who still doesn't know he was. He grew up with a swimming pool and air conditioning which where I grew never existed for any family I knew! His parents sent him to summer and spring breaks to raunchy Flordia places with his friends each year from age 15 to 20. As an adult he looks back still feeling he did without things! Where as I was the only kid on the school football team without proper shoes and the only girl in highland dancing class without slippers. That is when I started to notice I was different from other families. But as an adult I am very appreciative of everything from proper running,water and the ability to budget carefully to,afford what I need as a single person- and not always what I want. Whereas my boyfriend lives in a huge estate with a rolling property, three cars in the drive and still goes to Flordia on holidays without me- and him and his mother are now so much in debt the bank might take their house and they'll need to declare bankruptcy. But they have been saying that for three years that was going to happen yet they still eat out at expensive places and buy huge amounts of flowers for their patio.

    I am not sure exactly what I am saying - but kids who do have everything grow up thinking they need everything. And kids who grow up in a careful budgeted home without bells and whistles still are okay as adults. I am just generalizing. But at the same time with the way our culture is- I don't think I could afford to raise a child.

    Does anyone remember when eating lobster sandwiches from your brown paper bag lunch- was something to hide? In my grandfather's day that was a sign you were from a poor family and no one would trade lunches with you. Now a days kids who can't afford to eat in he cafeteria are the ones feeling embarrassed by not being able to be with the other kids.

  • That is really true - that kids who grow u p with everything think they need everything. We had a gorgeous house and garden, lovely good food and were never short of money for any of the basics, so that became my security - we always had the best of everything and even now I seek that level when buying things. It isn't that I don't know that other people manage with much less because I certainly do - I used to do social work in a rough inner city area and really liked a lot of the clients I worked with, and they had nothing, or close to nothing - it's just that if I go without things I am used to I find it painful, feel deprived. But I do think that's an emotional state too, that things, goods we have, often represent our inner emotions. I have loads of everything - dvds, books, etc and when I do art I use loads of colour and fill the page with that. I to express a sense of fullness of things and objects but easily drop into feeling the exact opposite. It may be that your boyfriend's family gave him things rather than love, as my parents did with me.

    Not lobster sandwiches in the uk no, it was and still is way too expensive! But I am sure lots of kids felt embarrassed at having jam sandwiches for lunch when other kids had meat and cheese and other healthy things. Ironically I found it hard because people used to envy me for having so much!

    Sue

  • Hi Sue, I really like your reply. You add an important dynamic of people who may have lots of gifts from their families as children but not love- and also people feeling envy of someone they perceive as having everything. There is some songs written about that. Also we can look at super talented and successful celebrities who passaway much too early because of self harm. From the outside looking in they only look like they have it all.

    There was a time that lobsters were considered scavengers of the sea! And only the poor people would eat them. I am guessing that was a time where farmers made more income than fishermen. There was also a time where tanning was a sign of a labour worker and to be avoided if you didnt want to be identified as that status- and now sporting a tan especially in the winter is sign you just got back from a ritzy tropical holiday. Presently I wear 120 SP sunblock and work outdoors but i hide from the sun because skin cancer runs in my family. I like my fair complexion on me but I know a lot of girls who put on chemicals to self tan. Like the society ideal of beauty had a woman being more full figured at certain times in history than others.

  • Abso!utely true. I know I would not be depressed and taking medication if I could only physically persue any of the interests that I have.

    Sitting here on a Sunday morning wondering how to fill my day , other than reading and cooking. I've never been bored in my life up till this year.

  • I do sympathise. Why not tell us what interests you would like to pursue and we may have some ideas how you might do it without any or much money? xx

  • Hello dee

    What are your interests

    BOB

  • The garden of course. I used to spin fleeces and knit the resulting wool. Dye it with natural dyes. I produced quality stuff but I can't sit to spin or knit and all that stirring steaming dye pots .... Well its not happening.

    Oh and mosaics. Not now. Hill walking, mountain biking, volunteering in various ways. Art exhibitions, museums, film, ballet, book group.

    Now I just want to weep for those things.

    Now I cook and try to study Spanish when the morphine fog is not so powerful. Watch the birds. I'm 64 not 84 but it feels like it when I find myself staring out the window at nothing.

    I sound very sorry for myself and I'll make no apologies.

    My major interest in the outside world at the moment is the failure of the Assisted Suicide bill a t Holyrood.

  • My first holiday was a hill walk at Balquidder in Scotland, we hiked most of the distance and we managed a lift from Stirling to Loch Voil where there used to be a YHS centre. We had to sit in the back of an old Land Rover full of sheep/lambs and when we arrived we were covered in bruises,

    We seem to manage then and have good memories

    BOB

  • Yes, we did similar, couldn't afford a good European holiday, so flew cheaply and then hitchhiked with huge rucksacks, all the way down to Yugoslavia where we camped on the beach and swam among the fish, living on fruit, salami and bread which were all really cheap. It wasn't a deprived holiday but it was much cheaper than any of the package holidays to Spain that most people were going on.

  • It sounds as if you have had a very rich life so far, what stopped you from pursuing those things? I can understand the active interests, but what about art, film, book groups, etc? Are you no longer able to get to those or are you too depressed to be interested in doing them anyway?

    I am 65 and have gone through a long period of feeling the way you do despite having been a very active person - I am lucky in that we do have enough money for me to have seen a therapist privately and as a result now I am beginning to get back into art. I've spent today cutting and pasting, collaging landscapes - I was meant to go rambling but was in too much pain with fibromyalgia and arthritis, so instead made my own imaginary landscapes - not as good as being out in the real world but with classic fm on in the background it occupied me in a really enjoyable way and I am pleased when I look at my first landscape collage, it's ok for a first attempt.

    I wonder whether you might pull on the activities you have done and express them in some way, maybe by writing, or making art, or putting them into some textile art?

    Suex

  • In the past I traveled over a great deal of the Middle East, Far East and eventually we traveled across the Silk Road from Venice to Peking, we took sorties across the Pamirs to get to Kashgar and traveled by train the far reaches of China.

    One of a party we were with in the Yemen was kidnapped and murdered so we needed to be repatriated, we also had traveled to Ethiopia to follow the rout of the ARK of the Covenant.

    By that time we needed a rest and for a time just took normal holidays until we went over a hundred foot revine in Spain, where Hazel broke her leg in three parts.

    So we started to get dogs, because dogs are not that dangerous.

    Our interests are history and visiting historic houses and English Heritage sites, we do this every year and love every second of it.

    So I suppose we have now settled down, Pax is lying on the floor asleep as is Hazel on the settee, she is watching the TV fast asleep, so I am very much alone. We all have to follow pathways, I have written a book that was not published although if I had pushed it would have sold, I suffered a breakdown and that was it. So now I take an interest in the NHS. That is one strange interest.

    What have you been up to over your lifes

    BOB

  • I'm never sure Bob whether you are tongue in cheek or serious! Dogs - because they are safe?!

    It must have been dreadful for you and for Hazel going over the ravine, was that both of you? What on earth were you doing, walking, driving, on a donkey or something!

    I envy you having travelled although it does sound as if you sought out danger! I wanted to go to lots of interesting places but emotionally never felt safe with my ex-husband - silly things like not taking my need to eat or go to the loo seriously but carrying on as if I didn't exist. I feel safe with Danny but he has never really enjoyed holidays as he is a creature of habit - he is struggling because our kitchen is being updated and he has to use a different saucepan or dish from the one he usually uses! He's funny like that, I'm much more adaptable than he is.

    I guess it was a fantasy I had from my hippie days that I might have met someone and gone walking in the Himalayas or other exotic places although I was a townie and not at all an outdoor person until I began gardening 15 years ago. Even now I am not really an outdoor person but love music and going to concerts, art, good books and stimulating conversation. I go rambling more for the social side and exercise as well as the fresh air, am so busy looking where to put my feet that I hardly see the countryside a lot of the time.

    That's a lovely image, Pax asleep, Hazel asleep and you writing on your PC or whatever. Danny will have gone to sleep because he has to do his dialysis exchange at midnight and get up for work at 4.30am to leave by 5.30am in order to miss the traffic! I'll probably be up for another hour or two and suddenly decide that's it - I never fall asleep downstairs, it makes me feel dreadful when I wake as I sleep very deeply.

    It's interesting that you had a breakdown - sorry I don't mean that as insensitively as it sounds, it's just that I had a breakdown as a child, when I was 11 and spent most of my life trying to overcome the effects of that, and my emotionally isolated childhood. The one thing I have never really feared is a breakdown because I had one and had already survived it, and could remember it!

    Enough writing, I'm off for the little bit of tv maybe, if there's anything worth watching that I have recorded, then bed.

    Take care Bob,

    Suex

  • I just realised you said you have written a book - what's that about?!

  • Dee,

    I guess the physical pain is too much, didn't you say you have fibromyalgia?

    Suex

  • I am the same dee. A friend of mine with her daughter and brother were down the beach yesterday for a free ukulele concert and she invited me to join them. The trouble is although I could have walked down I couldn't have walked back up and the cliff railway would have cost around £1.70. Add to that the cost of a coffee down at the café is £1.50. I only had £2.92 to see me through until Monday so couldn't afford to go. I had to buy a couple of food items so the money went on that instead. I do have savings and could have drawn more money out but I have had to do that a lot lately and I have to be very careful with my money.

    I am also sitting here on Sunday with nothing to do except walk my sisters dog and have no one to talk to. At least I have that I guess :O

    Bev x

  • I'm afraid you misunderstood Bev. I'm lucky in that I have enough money its just that my body cannot do very much. I'm also lucky in having people to talk to but increasingly I have so little to say.

    I'd love to be going for a walk with a dog.

    Hope you day turns out happier than you anticipated.

  • Sorry dee. I agree health is the most important thing in life. But behind that I would say company is most important and at least you have that. Try to imagine being on your own day after day and the only people you talk to are other dog walkers (my sisters dog). At least you have some of the things you want which I don't but I admit I wouldn't swap with you for the bad health aspect.

    I dread my health being so bad that I couldn't get out and about and it might come in time with my lungs but I sincerely hope it doesn't.

    Bev xx

  • Dare I suggest that old idea of volunteering ? It is extremely rewarding and useful.

  • I share some of how you feel Bev. I would love to have someone to talk to about anything with right now. Prices of groceries, the weather, childhood pets - literally any in person conversation would be so amazing right now. Some people really take for granted what it is like not to live alone and isolated and lonely for a good conversation. I like watching YouTube tutorial videos just to hear conversation. I went over my monthly allowance of GB this month and had to pay extra rates. The pet I spend time with most is my rescued racing pigeon. He thinks he is a puppy. My friend gave me an egg over a years ago that was destined for the garbage. That egg hatched in my bedroom on top of a book shelf! And now he is over a year old running and playing fetch and even jumps in the shower with me. And he poops on a newspaper in the same spot everytime. I have a partner that promises me he loves me and that we will be together forever but I only see him once a week or so over the three years we have been together. It is more company than I had before I met him. But when I am at work I look forward to coming home to my racing pigeon who will spin in circles when he first sees me and starts to run to me bringing me twigs in his beak. He purrs like a cat- not just the typical coos. It is a purr reserved for their mate that people,rarely get to hear because it is done in a small but steady whisper. If I had to choose I think my racing pigeon is my best friend. Him and a rescued white dove bird I raised in 2012. I have bigger pets here but these two are the ones that I enjoy spending time and cuddles with most. My racing pigeon will put his head under my elbow to ask for a cuddle.

  • Bev

    I really feel for you. I didn't realise you were on such a restricted income. I am lucky now. I have had hard times - living in a bedsit in London years ago, having a boiled egg and two pieces of bread for my evening meal, going to bed with a hottie because I couldn't afford to heat the room, wanting to see my mum who lived a few tube stops away but not having the money to pay the fare.. then later having a small amount of money every week to feed myself, hubby (then) and two children, everything they had came from jumble sales and charity shops but we still ate fairly well and had lots of good things because it was possible then. Now it is very hard for people on low incomes to manage even the basics, it's ok for a week or two but not on an ongoing basis.

    I didn't know you lived near the beach - how lovely! It's a shame you can't manage to walk back up again, that must be frustrating, being so near and yet so far unless you have spare cash.

    We have everything we could want for really, enough money, heat, food, and no need ever to worry about the basics so we tend to take it for granted and forget how difficult it is to manage without those things. I guess even having broadband is costly when on a limited income so you can't simply spend all day online, whereas I take completely for granted things like that.

    You do well to manage and to be so generous in the way you respond to other people, I always enjoy being in touch with you so if ever you are lonely and want someone to talk to do feel free to message me, it's not the same as having a friend nearby but at least it can ease loneliness.

    I'm spending the day (and yesterday, and perhaps tomorrow too) going through art materials and the various pictures I have cut out of magazines for inspiration. I'm trying to make myself begin working again and want to make a start by filling various sketchbooks and exploring some ideas - the trouble is that I spend forever researching and don't actually get down to working - a bit like writing lists but never actually doing any of the things on them! Yesterday I stuck all sorts of textures and papers into one large sketchbook that I will work in without any particular theme, today I'm working on exploring some landscape ideas and images connected with my angle-indian identity - they are both themes I worked on while I was doing a fine art degree.

    Just a thought Bev - are their any studies you could get funding for? I did a Foundation course and that was fully funded, usually things are providing they are a level above any qualifications you may have in the same field of study. Maybe that wouldn't be something you would want to do?

    Suexx

  • That's nice of you Sue thanks. I guess the grass is always greener isn't it? I am very lonely because I am not working now and I live on my own. I lost my last job 5 years ago (I'm now 61) and can't get another. Employment in this area, being a seaside place, is usually hard menial work such as caring, cleaning, or working in a shop. There is very little admin work here which is what I have always done but for each vacancy there are 100's of applications and my age is against me, and the fact I got sacked from my last job due to being off too much with illness.

    Because of my copd and back problems I can't physically do most of the jobs round here so it looks like I am stuck until I can get my state pension in another 4 years because the barstewards have stuck it up so quickly. I can manage at the moment coz on top of my small private pensions I also get lower rate dla but this will stop in 2017 when PIP comes in here and I will lose my bus pass next year due to a change in the rules :(

    I do own my very small flat but have major repairs to make such as putting in new windows (urgent) and might have to come up with around £2 - £3,000 for my share of a new roof in the near future. I do have savings but after I have paid that I will need to subsidise myself out of what is left of them for the next 4 years.

    I put my priorities into getting company and I do play darts twice a week but do it as cheaply as I can, and also going to a local over 55's group twice a week. I must have my broadband and telly but to afford all these I cut out any unnecessary expense like coffee or meals out. I buy most of my clothes from the charity shop and economy brands of food etc.

    It does frustrate me that I am still reasonably fit (depending on the copd) and can get out and about but don't because of lack of money and someone to go with. I am hoping to still be as fit when I am 65 coz at least I will have a lot more money then.

    I'm not bitter about it though as that's the way life is and I make the best of it. There are also many people worse off than me eg healthwise so I usually count my blessings rather than moan. My worst problem is lack of company....

    Bev xx

  • Hi Bev

    Reading all these posts I was just thinking the same thing - that we all think we are worse off than the next person - but the reality is that we really do not know how lucky we all are. We all have enough food to stay alive, have somewhere to live, have clothes to wear, have computers and are able to communicate with the world. It's sad that we all lose the capacity to remember that and can only remember when we hear or read about other people and realise we are in a similar position and it really isn't so very bad.

    I agree loneliness is really hard and also agree with Dee that not having the ability to do much is also hard, they can't be compared as they are so different aren't they, but both difficult.

    I can understand your situation being difficult Bev, it must be hard to be unable to work, not be married and not able to claim your pension. Knowing that will go on for 4 years must be demoralising at times so you do well to keep reasonably cheerful.

    Like you, lack of company is my biggest problem at the moment - it might sound strange to say that when I am married but as you know Danny is very unwell and also very hard of hearing, so he tucks himself upstairs with a 2nd television and listens to it through headphones - he doesn't even hear me if I call him, so basically I spend most of the day on my own. He is a sweetheart and often cooks the meal, does all the washing up, empties bins, etc but I do wish he wanted to spend more time with me and was able to do that, he just finds it too tiring having to lip-read all the time and finds his hearing aid amplifies every other sound so he refuses to wear it unless he is working or we go to a concert. Like you I often find I haven't spoken to anyone for days apart from literally a few sentences with Danny. I miss chatting with friends, just commenting on things when driving along in the car, or chatting about life or relationships, or the garden, anything really, just things that come to mind. Men tend not to chat in that way anyway, so what I miss most is the company of female friends, mine live 30 miles away so it's costly to drive to see and them and go out somewhere, and then tiring to drive back in the rush hour or scary to drive back late at night. I do it, but wish I lived nearer to them.

    I imagine the COPD is a bit like fibromyalgia, you perhaps look fine but it is deceptive and suddenly you find things difficult. Anyone looking at me would think me fine and healthy, yet I go to sleep in pain and wake in pain every day at the moment, often wake several times in the night too because of damage to discs at the top of my spine trapping nerves, my arm muscles go into spasms and lock, and often I lose sensation down my arm and in my hands. Yet I look fine and having nothing life threatening wrong with me... It is frustrating. I think women tend to get the kinds of health problems that require endurance and men tend to get the ones that are more serious and life-threatening - though I know that's only a generalisaton - and things are changing now as more women work and delay having families.

    Enough now, I'm suddenly feeling tired and want to watch tv for a little while then go to bed.

    Take care Bev, sleep well.

    Suexx

  • Night night Sue. Don't let the bedbugs bite.

    I think you have just put the definitive post in here with your wisdom and common sense, well done and a great post.

    Love Bev xxx

  • Hello Bev

    You are a young chicken compared to me, I am sixty five in August, and we were forced out of our old house as mentioned before. The old property was adapted and when we moved we needed loan to get us into our new property, we also needed a mortgage for the next door property to adapt the two together as both were very small.

    The adaptations and joining to together of the two cost nearly £30,000 and we will need to pay our way this year so I understand how you possibly feel.

    Hopefully all will sort out as we had managed to sell our old home at a lower price

    Mind we are happy as we have good people living around us and the area is very peaceful as we have no traffic noise and the house is fully adapted for my disability. Everything is on one level and the rooms have been made larger in fact the two together still just make the two bedrooms. The only difference is we can get access for wheelchairs and associated bits of kit. So hopefully when I am old and more grey, do not know how to go grey I am almost there. I will be left alone as the house is better designed than a old persons home. The last three years have been hell, hopefully all will now sort.

    When we get older life and peoples attitude changes, disability just makes it worse and that has proven to me to be one big pain on top of the chronic pain I need to suffer.

    BOBxx

  • We're doing similarly Bob, borrowing to keep our house up to date - double glazing, etc - and need to pay it off before Danny stops working otherwise things will be a lot harder as the house is huge to heat and maintain. x

  • Sounds great Bob (apart from the mortgage). I am happy enough in my little flat but the best thing of all is I have no mortgage or debt of any kind and that's the way I like it :)

    I will only move 1 more time but am undecided about moving back up north where I could afford a house as have always wanted one, or staying here and buying a flat in a retirement block with a warden. I hate the responsibilities of owning and the flat would have maintainance included in it though it is quite expensive at between £40/£50 a week. My copd can only get worse and I have no one to look after me when I can't cope any more will I? Bev x

  • Taking on a house would be a big move Bev, especially with COPD. We are lucky in that although our house has lots of stairs they are wide and gentle, not steep like stairs in newer houses (ours was built in 1861). I already find them tiring at times especially when I get pain in my knees or hips, but breathing problems would make it really difficult. Also changing area is difficult as you get older, everything is familiar where you are so unless you really dislike the area it may be a case of the grass being greener. I want to move back to Manchester but even that I know may simply be a dream as in reality we are very safe here, don't get the house broken into or car stolen, don't see violence on the streets, people are mostly friendly and shops are not too far away to get a taxi home when I can no longer drive or walk back. Dreaming of something else stops us from living our lives as they are - easy to say I know, but it is true. I'm gradually coming to terms with being where we are and just getting on with living, after all I could drop dead tomorrow and what a waste today would have been if I had done nothing with it when my mood was good enough to let me do something enjoyable...

    Night, xx

  • Oh I can still walk up stairs ok Sue but just quite slowly. I am a Mancunian born and bred and that's exactly where I was thinking of going back to. People are much more friendly there then they are here but there is the crime rate like you say. I had enough of that in London.

    I know - you and hubby move up there and get a flat with a granny annexe for me. We would both have lots of company then! :)

    Bev xx

  • I'm not putting you in a granny annexe if we get one - that will be my art studio!

    Yes, Manchester people are really friendly, I much prefer it to the South although it took me years to get to like it. I come from London originally, well Watford until I was a teenager, and I did love London and in some ways still do but only if I was wealthy. And there is of course the crime rate and violence and crowds...

    It is likely that Danny will die before me and a friend and I often say we will buy little terrace houses next door to each other so we have company nearby but are not in one another's pockets - though to be honest I think I would try to find someone else to spend my life with as there are lots of lovely people out there - all difficult of course, but aren't we all. Sometimes I could 'murder' Danny, but love him to bits. Did you never marry Bev?

    Suex

  • No. I could never find anyone who wanted the same things in life as I did :) x

  • Danny and I don't want the same things in terms of everyday life, but we share the same values in life and have a strong emotional attachment. I guess we all look for everything, I know I did, but after marrying Danny I have come to realise that there doesn't have to be everything, just the affection and mutual care, other things can be found in other people - though I do wish Danny wanted to do the same things I do, as I miss the companionship of a partner to go out and about and do things with. x

  • With me it is chronic pain throughout my body that I have had for over twenty five years. Pain is a big character builder.

    We all here suffer in our own right at it can be so hard.

    BOB

  • Yes, pain is hard. You say you have had it for such a long time, I hope you won't mind my asking but what is causing the pain?

    I get pain mostly at night because of damage to discs in my neck and top of my spine - that comes I think from teaching when I had to carry a rucksack full of books that made it so heavy I couldn't lift it and instead had to lift it onto a table with two arms and then get myself down to its level, etc. I could hardly stand with the weight and had to carry it from one building to another as it was the only way to get the books to the students in class... I also get fibromyalgia which causes me muscle spasms, mainly in my arms where the muscles lock sometimes for minutes and sometimes for hours, and extreme tiredness after exercise - hence rambling is too exhausting when I am already in pain... But I am lucky in that I manage without painkillers, perhaps because I am naturally a chilled person (no fear of breakdown...) and give in to the pain, that reduces the stress. It's only really at night that I get tense as I do love my sleep...

    Yes life is hard. I always knew that from being a child, but used to think it was only hard for me - now I know it is hard for most people and that always makes me feel a lot better. :)

    Night Bob.x

  • Suffer from PSA that affects most small joints, also hips ankles and spine. Sad to say I really suffer from having to refuse doing things. I really worry regards m strong medications I need too take. Sometimes I wonder what they are doing to my insides

    BOB

  • What's PSA Bob, I haven't heard of that? Yes strong meds do have strange side effects, that's the only reason I stay off meds apart from occasional over the counter painkillers or similar.

    Sue

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