Do I have the right to grieve?

4 years ago I had an abortion. I don't regret my decision because it was right at the time for me. I've had a miscarriage since then but I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to grieve for either situation. It's my fault. There's thousands of families in the world that can't have kids and I had an abortion.

It's been a long time now but I still don't feel like I should be allowed to be upset by what I did. Is this normal?

10 Replies

  • Hey Hun I really think you deserve to grief!!! Not everyone is in an ideal situation to have a baby. I wouldn't be now even. It's not selfish to think of the bigger picture for th future. Did you want a baby when you had the miscarriage? X

  • Hey,

    No I don't want kids at all. Just feels like I don't have the right to be upset


  • Are you on any contraception? Xx I'd still be upset. There's nothing wrong with that Hun

  • Yeah I've been on the pill for over 10 years and I've got an appointment to get the coil soon.


  • We don't choose what we grieve for. My wife had a miscarriage a few years ago and we are now unable to have kids. There isnt a day where i dont think of how things might have been and grieve for the wee one. Never let others or what you think others believe get between you and the grief you are entitled to feel. Although you say you dont regret your decision It sounds like it is guilt which is making you feel like that. Like you say you did what you did at the time because it was what was best for you. That means you werent in a position to give the wee one all it needed and you took that decision. no one but you has the right to say if that was the correct decision and now you need to forgive yourself and stop feeling guilty for making it. The loss of both pregnancies need to be dealt with by you or believe me the problems will build. When we lost our baby we went through a lot of blaming, ourselves mainly. It seems to be a common thing and will be ok so long as you take the next step and allow yourself to grieve.

    Sorry if that was a bit rambling. I do hope things get easier for you soon. Stephen.

  • I had a stillbirth 12 years ago I didn't want the baby but coz we are Christians both my husband and I decided to have it. But the baby died when I was 40 weeks pregnant. When he died I felt guilty and blamed myself of course it was not my fault but I still grieve for that little child no one gets it but he is and will always be there. Grieving is a personal thing others or even you might not know why but grieve nothing selfish about it.

  • Hello Jamie

    Please do not beat yourself up with this abortion then a miscarriage, will make you feel so down, You must have reasons regarding the abortion and eventually it will be be put in perspective and you will need to carry on with your life and look forward, not back.

    The miscarriage, this thing happens and it is a problem that many women have to suffer. Your partner will most probably feel the same. All I can suggest is give yourself time and and grieve for both of your loses, Life is never easy and it may be a good idea to talk to your GP and seek advice.

    All of above is so very normal and you really need to move on and try and put your actions in perspective. When we lose someone it can generally take upwards of two years and we will still feel the lose many years later.

    We never had children because of my chronic condition and it does no good in my case to dwell what could be, I need to look at my life and say to myself what will be and be positive in my outlook as now I am becoming a pensioner and there is nothing I could do about it. Now I make my life to get through to old age and the final curtain.

    Try and let go, give yourself time and not to rush into a new pregnancy.

    If you need support you know where we are.

    On Healthunlocked there may be sites that cover this and if that is not the case there will be other sites that may help as well.

    Keep a hold


  • Hi Jamie, yes you are entitled to grieve. If you weren't ready to have a kid at that time and still don't see yourself as a parent then it wouldn't make a lot of sense to have had it. Look at it this way, no child has the choice of coming into this world and if you don't think you could give it the love and support needed then it wouldn't be good for him or her. I've been through it a couple of times - one I feel no grief for as it was a bad relationship with an unstable person and it really wouldn't have been good. The other was 3 years ago and yes I do grieve for and feel sadness but I know I was not myself or at my best at the time for various reasons. You have to think about the child and whether it is fair to them.

  • I know that it would of been a huge mistake to have the baby. I don't ever see myself being a mum. It's just not something I want for my life.

    It was 4 years ago to the day that I was in the hospital and even though I know it was the right thing to do I still feel guilty. I nearly died twice after because I hemoraged and I've always thought that was my punishment. There's families who desperately want children that can't have and I just had an abortion because being a parent wasn't for me. I cried when I took the pill to start the abortion and I cried when I was in the hospital because I felt guilty like these families should hate me and I wouldn't blame them😔

    Thank you everyone for your kind words. Xx

  • Try your best not to compare your wants to others. Yes there are some who can't conceive but their desires aren't yours. Hope you can start to feel better in time.

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