No one knows the details of my health at work. I never missed a day of work in 4 years but they know I am underweight and make up their own ideas as to why.
I have been under doctor's care for the last four years too. And take treatments for depression and anxiety. I have disabiliating anxiety and panic attacks - but if anything hAppens at work I blame my obvious signs of distress on basic things like migraines or low blood sugar- even though I have no problem with that.
I took a major panic attack at work in December. One of my worse. Still No one knew why but I had a few ideas.
I am being vague because the particulars are not that important but basically I was put on a special project at work to be in charge of training people. I did it maybe three years ago. And my boss complained over and over that I did a bad job because the staff didn't work out. What they did has nothing to with performance as more of their difficulty to work with. Everytime there was something wrong I was responsible. I ruined everything - etc. - which even me with a low self esteem does not believe. He has a personality where he blames absolutely everything on someone else even if it is obvious it was his mistake. The staff joke about it all the time. Yet they don't find it so funny when they are singled out in front of everyone and ridiculed.
Well.. A new team is being hired. And I am supposed to do the training again!
I can not do,this. I can not be blamed for everyone's mistakes three years down the road. I can't deal with the jabs and rude remarks. But I am in charge of this department.
I went to my doctor because of a severe pain attack and major depressive episode because of my stress at work dealing with this. It is not the training itself - it is being the scapegoat three years later when I have nothing to do with anything!
I told the assistant manager kind of already. Laying the foundation if you will. He knows what the boss is like more than anyone. He told me that he- the assistant manager used to have to do the training before me. But he thinks I can still do it because he trusts my work, etc. And I said I can't because of being blamed for things- and my assistant manager is says - you know what he is like... who cares what my boss 'is like'. He gives me such extreme anxiety I honest to God was having sucidal thoughts and had to change my medications. I couldn't sleep, didn't want to eat - and anytime away from that place Incould not get it off my mind!
So.. I am thinking about getting a doctor's letter to make it look more professional - saying because of previous extreme anxiety and negative effects on my health doing this particular training- I should no longer should be apart of this project .
It is 100% true. But.. Then everyone will know I have GAD or panic attacks or obviously some mental Heath issue. It is not something I want to admit. What is even the best route to go- saying I suffered panic attacks and anxiety in former experience of being apart of this project and my doctor recommends I do not be apart of training again?
I know they will think I am crazy and they are so mean. And I know they will try to say - oh never mind what happened before - it won't happen this time. But it will happen again. And I can't loose further nights sleep over being blamed for ruining everything if I have nothing to do,with it. 😕
What should I do please ? Thank-you for your time and kindness.❤️