My so called ex used me, betrayed me, abused me again, and again after 3 years together on and off. I realised that he wasn't making real effort to stop, so I just broke our “relationship” off. I just changed my number and stop communicating so I basically cut him off. It's been a few months now since we haven't seen/spoken to each other. He's was lying to me all the time, and I knew it, but I ignored it. That's something that was killing me because I really thought I loved him. I started to feel suicidal, and begun to self harm again so I knew I had to leave him alone. A part of me knew that healthy relationships weren't supposed to make you feel so sad and unhappy. Every time I gave him a chance he deceived me and manipulated me. I get frustrated and angry at the very fact that I let someone in AGAIN, that took advantage of me and I just basically didn't want to see it happening or at least I was hoping they'll change back to the person I first met. I was lied to, verbally/mentally/emotionally abused and totally taken for granted. I also don't feel like myself, I was pretty content started to get my life back on track (after an ex before him broke my heart) before I met this person and just feel like they sucked that all away and left someone bitter and untrusting. I have become less coherent and more defensive. That's part of the reason I do not want to go into great detail about what happened. It hurts to the point of me feeling so angry I want to explode. It's like my anger has become an defense mechanism. The very knowledge that I was lied to from day one, and had my feelings played with like a toy enrages me. I'm always feeling so angry, so bitter, so hateful now. I feel like I'm not who I used to be. I used to be peaceful minded, happy, kind, accepting, forgiving, understanding. But I feel like I've changed. I'm not all those things anymore all I feel is embarrassment. It's like all of my thoughts are bitter, negative, angry, and vengeful. I want to hurt him, cause him pain, make him suffer as revenge. I feel like the only thing that would make me feel better would be hurting him back like he did me. I just stopped caring about people and I basically cut everyone off because I feel as if everyone is out to harm me. I've started thinking that everyone is lying when they're being nice, that they just want to hurt me. I've started to become massively annoyed when a man comes near me, talks to me, or even look at me. I think all they want is to use me for their own gain, even if a part of me sees they aren't I don't trust no one and their intentions. I've generally just become what you could call a bitch. Practically yelling all the time, being aggressive with everyone being cold, mean and disgusted if I see women being sexually objectified and mistreated. I've been depressed and antisocial and don't know how to cope with it in a positive way. I don't mean to lash out at people, but I've been holding everything inside me for so long. I don't want to hold resentment and grudges in my heart. I'm pretty much appalled by humanity in general. The only thing I can thank this person for is teaching me that I need to pay attention to red flags and not ignore my instincts because I saw a lot of things before it all escalated and I just didn't do anything about it. I think I'm more furious with myself than this person. I want to move on from this narcissist psychopath sociopath and renew my life.
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