First of all I dislike the terms I just used but they are what is said about what I would like to talk about. I am in my early 40's and have a wonderful partner but we are not actively trying to have children. He had cancer and is diabetic & 45 which combined with my age lessens our chance to conceive. We don't use any protection against pregnancy and we have agreed we are in a committed relationship for keeps. He said if we do get pregnant he would definately be responsible to me and his baby. Saying that- I still don't believe this will ever happen after being together for years and it never happened.
I just started thinking about how I never will be a mother. And I am not upset or not happy- just really letting it sink in now. My boyfriend says we have each other and our 'pets' so we will be okay. I actually was pregnant when I was a teenager from a man who violently assaulted me and fractured my skull, dislocated my jaw and shoulder. I still need to drink with a straw even now - over 22 years later. I just say this because I know hat it was like to be pregnant. I miscarried at 3 months after a lot of doctor's concerns to begin with. Apparently from the ultra sounds they could tell it was not growing. That ordeal is best safed for another post- but I think it is relivant to this one in the sense of I had the experience of carrying a child decades ago. So I don't have a romanized dreamy ideal of what it would be like.
However it is an important realization when you know you never will be a mother. Does anyone else relate? I read there is a new stat of as many as 1 in 5 women now will never have biological children. It does set the tone for the rest of my life. I just have to accept the choice is not even mine to make anymore. And I think I am okay with that most of the time now.