I am writing this letter in the hopes I will be able to express myself more clearly and will be understood better. My name is Erin and I am 20 years old.
To tell you I have had a rough life would be an understatement. I have been suffering from depression for 5 years now and I am yet to understand why. I have attempted suicide 16 times and have been self-harming for the past 3 years. I know for the sake of my family I need to beat this and, considering that, that there is nothing else to do but to seek proper help. I have seen CPN's and had CBT and have been on 40mg Citalopram for 3 years and nothing has helped. I have tried altering my lifestyle and no matter how much better my home and social situations seem to get, I still get no better. I have tried reaching out to my doctor about this and I am met with pessimism and a shrug of shoulders. The last thing I want is to die. I want to make that clear. But in a way I feel like I am already dead and my body has just been left behind and is suffering.
When I was 15 I was in an abusive relationship and was beaten, raped, sold for drugs and injected with heroin. My family knew nothing about this, and as he lived on the other side of the city, when I was alowed to stay with him, it made it easy to hide. And as my mum and dad aren't together there was no continuity in my life anyway. He ended things with me to be with another girl and I left school and began feeling the way I do now. My mum now knows what happened and has little to no sympathy and wishes I would "pull up my socks and get on with it". She has her own issues (especially with drinking) and I can see that, so I have recently come to terms with the fact that she will be of no help to me. My dad and I speak rarely as he has his own life. My gran on his side passed away last year and honestly she was the only good and decent person I knew. My papa is lonely now, and because my dad was in the army there is no sympathy and alot of control coming from him to everyone. My Nona (gran on my mums side) is very money centred and embodies everything I hope not to be. She is judgemental, manipulative and harsh on everyone and everything they say. Though, my mum relies on her for everything we have and so we cannot do without her. Though I hope to one day. Her husband (my papa) has been like my dad. Though he is an alcoholic and has been abusive to my nona and to me on several occassions.
When I left school I went to college and tried to do my highers twice, but both years I had to drop out because I had to have opperations on my ovaries. So now I'm going to do a course in health care and hopefully go to university and become a nurse, so there's that...
Socially I have a good group of friends I occassionally go out with. Though when I am with them I know I am the person I'm meant to be, but I'm not. I hide behind a mask and lie and pretend I am normal. When I know I'm not.
Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming inside my head, and I feel emotions so deeply it feels like my heart is breaking every time... I don't want to live with this perpetual cloud hanging over me... so please - help me.