Hi everyone, I am not sure form where to start and this is my story. But my story involves my past, my current marriage and the effect of depression. Sorry my post might be very long and I do really appreciate taking your time reading it. Any advice would be very helpful. Sorry there might be some gaps in the story, any questions or confusions please ask and I will try my best and clarify it.
During my childhood we lived in Nigeria. I am from Lebanon but grew up in Nigeria.
Since I was living at home with my family, in Nigeria. I have two younger sisters and my mum was a housewife. I have been very sad, not happy with my life, didn't. The reason is because my dad use to abuse me, beat me up a lot, beat me up in front of my class and friends, at home, if I get a bad grade in school and get kicked on the head. My dad is an alcoholic, so when he drinks he just beat me up for no reason.
Therefore I have lost confidence in me, very shy, very sad and scared to talk to people, worried. As I grew older my confidence been getting better. But never knew anything about depression, and I thought I was moving on from this bad experience.
So came to England for my studies, was very happy, specially been away from my dad. Studied and I did my bsc and masters which was something very positive in my life. Then along the way I met Rayna, my wife.
We both loved each other and made each other very happy, I have never experienced that much happiness in my life before. We loved each other, 4 years later we got married. We were both happy.
My sister came from Nigeria, moved in with us, so she can study and me looking after her. My parents asked me to look after her and help her out. My wife met her before and she liked her. So there was no objection having her around.
AS she started living with us, Rayna started to see the ugly side of my sister, and she didn't liked her. Rayna has been begging me to let her move out. but I felt I was in the middle of it and I was scared of my dad. And I didn't put my wife first and her needs first, my wife hated me for that. Ever since our relationship going downhill, I was feeling very sad because of this and at the same time I was in denial about my depression. I was using gadgets on all the time, keeping busy, buying stuff like gadget to make me a bit happy as my marriage getting worst and worst. Me and my wife we always talked and she suggested me few things to try, I do them for a month then I stop and I couldn't figure it out why I stopped. That has been happening repeatedly over the past 3 years.
I was trying to be supportive, during these 3 years, trying to put her first every time, I was supportive during her masters studies, I was trying to be very nice to her and please her. Nothing seems to be working well enough. I must be doing something wrong, sometimes I do say things I don't mean it that way as well. I don't compliment her, I don't hug her, I say things sometimes not very nice. It had a massive effect on her. I didn't even understand what depression is like, I was on denial and though I was fine, and always though the problem not me but my wife. " She suffers from depression anyway and she isn't on any medication but she knows how to deal with it." she has been depressed all her life, but when she met me, we made each other very happy.
I have done horrible thing to her, she knows it is unintentionally, but she had enough of me and wanted to split with me this January 2015.
I have begged her so we can give it a go, and she agreed, but during this period I have been making things worst and worst. I have stopped eating, drinking. I have lost 10 kilo in a space of a month. We are currently going to a marriage counselling ( it is our both ideas) , we have been in twice. We are now at a point now I have made her so angry that she hates me. I have been doing things behind her back, for example wasted a £1000, joined a porn dating website for no reason. I have been very hasty, angry and not thinking straight not knowing what I am doing. And Rayna on her end she is suffering so much because of me specially now. After she discovered the porn subscription, and the thousand pound wasted, she was so furious at me. She said she hasn't been that angry or upset since she was 16. I always find excuses about my actions. I haven't cheated on her, ever and never considered cheating on her. We both been very faithful to each other. But the day Rayna got really angry, we did talk that evening, I did realise actually I think I am depressed. I still couldn't understand these recent actions and the past actions either. I usually don't do anything without my wife permission. Last night had our 3rd counselling session, and she made me realise I am actually depressed. she Discovered me using gadget and buying things as a hide out as I mentioned earlier. She made me today to call my GP urgently, got some anti depressant now. Rayna at the min still feels strongly that she wants to leave me which I understand why. After all she is not happy, been ill for a months now, her cold won't leave her because of the stress of this. At he min marriage is almost ending now, the only hope there is, is for me to get better, and make her happy again.
But the past 2 days, I have been crying non stop, no appetite, started to struggle concentrating, my body ache, haven't been sleeping well, been doing some reckless behavior (like wasted £1000), my mood changes, I get angry for no reason, I do lose concentration sometimes, the guilt in me is unbelievably strong and this is one of the reason I am crying because the way how I have treated her. She is suffering because of me. She is very patient, faithful, loving, lovely, very special, and I am surprised after all this she is still around. Even though she doesn't love me anymore, she is till here. And I just can't believe it how I treated her, that's why I feel so guilty, and I do feel I don't deserve her. I have been selfish, not putting her first. I feel I am a bad husband, bad person a failure basically. And Most of these feelings I mentioned earlier I have been feeling them in the past 3 years but ignoring them. And looking more back, I have been feeling the same when I was back home. I have been always depressed but never knew it. It is very complicating. Rayna has nothing to do with it, it is all my doing. And I don't know what is going to happen in the next few weeks, I do hope I do get better soon, and fix what is wrong with me.
Thank you all for taking the time reading,