I really need help. My life is over. I just exist these days.
I suffer a rare condition/illness and it seems I'll never be fixed. I'm having to come to terms with that. It also means that everything I worked for has come to an end. I'm no longer able to finish vet school, I'm no longer working a job I love, I'm unable to work at all, I will never have kids and it will more than likely be the death of me. I have to be accompanied everywhere I go and all sense of independence has gone.
I'm petrified of going to the GP. Im scared that she won't believe my history with mental health and just prescribe me pills and I'll be back to who I was 8 years ago. To explain, I moved up north 6 years ago. Before I moved, I suffered depression and severe anxiety. I hadn't been diagnosed with my illness then. The GP I was under back then was supposed to be fab and nice so i went to see him and told him everything. He prescribed me pills to help me, for a few weeks I was sticking to what the guide said but they weren't helping so instead of taking 2 up to 3 times a day of each types (there were 3), I began taking 4 of each, then 8 of each and it continued to the point I was taking strips at a time accompanied with vodka - I was 17. The GP would prescribe me a Months worth and after a few days I'd be putting in for my repeat prescription and he would always give me it without question. As you can imagine, it became a habit, I didn't realise I was addicted until it was too late. I hid it well from my Nana who I lived with. I realised something was wrong when I began self harming. I called my mum and asked her if I could move up north to be with her. She collected me the next day and on the drive north I told her the truth. She got me off them over time. Now the issue is that the GP who got me hooked in a way didn't send my complete medical notes up when my new gp sent for them so there is no record - I think they were removed as he know if I get them, I have a case against him. But I don't think my new gp will fully believe me. I think she will medicate me and I can't trust myself. I just want to die to be honest. I have nothing to fight for but I don't want my family to be any more embarrassed by me then they already are. I want to be sent to a unit where they can help and work with me, where they can monitor meds and I can get help as soon I need it and they can stop me from doing any of this. It hits at all different times of day and sometimes its a solid 5 day struggle whilst other times its a few hours. I nearly self harmed tonight, I only stopped as my phone rang. I know I'm spiralling out of control but I can't face the gp in case she doesn't believe me or she medicates me - I just have a mistrust of the NHS when it comes to this. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be happy again. Does anyone know of a service I can contact to help me who won't just pack me off to my GP? I know I need help. I'm too afraid to tell my mum too. I don't think I've actually told anyone out of fear.
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unknownloser
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You don't mention the medical condition / illness you have, but I am wondering if you could locate a group to belong to with people who also have your condition.
You sound discouraged and beaten down. I am wondering if you could obtain some type of counseling that would help you find your way. That could also be a group situation or it could be only you working with a counselor. Actually, it could both group and single counseling. One way or another, you need to find some good support so that you won't have this terrible feeling of being totally alone. Please, if you don't mind doing it, would you tell us the medical condition or illness from which you suffer ? Who knows, someone here might have that condition in common with you.
I am so glad you took the initiative to share your feelings with this internet group.
It is a good start on getting help and feeling less isolated. I noted you signed your name with "unknown loser". I want you to try and stop thinking of yourself in this way.
It is not true. You are brave enough to try and look for help.You also sound like a dear person. That's what counts. I know that you are NOT,NOT,NOT a loser ! I can just tell
by your letter to this group.
PLEASE, let us / me hear from you again. I care and I'm sure there are others on this site who do, too ! Bless you, dear heart .
I just have to come back here and say this again. PLEASE keep contact with us. We / I want so much to help you ! I will keep you in my prayers tonight and from now on.
This post is an example of young people needing support and come onto this site!
My advice to you is to go back to your GP and they will refer you onto somebody else they have a duty of care and will know your area and what will be available within the mental health organisations available to them. I do understand your problems but you must go back to your GP take a copy of your post and ask you GP to read it - take care of yourself and if you want to feel happy again do not drink alcohol it will do your brain in . and make you feel 10 times worse. jue1
Sometimes when you're depressed, you tell yourself stuff that doesn't even make sense. For example, some people convince themselves that if they kill themselves no one will miss them. But what really happens is they leave their friends and family distraught and guilt-ridden and the family never gets over it.
I think you might be telling yourself some things that aren't quite true.
Example number 1: You say you're a loser. But you GOT IN to vet school! You know how hard it is to get in! Just think it through using pure logic and no emotion: You cannot be a loser and get into vet school. This makes NO SENSE! Conclusion: You are not a loser. Whenever you tell yourself "I'm a loser" you need to argue back "but I got into vet school, so I have a lot going for me". You will need to have this discussion with yourself about a million times, but it will work to help you feel better.
Example number 2: "My new GP will not listen to me and will over-medicate me just like the last one." This is a fear, and it's a scary one. But by not going in to see the new GP, you're treating it as if it's real. It's not real. Suppose you DO decide to go in and see the new GP. Two things could happen: 1. The GP could listen to you and help you and NOT over-medicate you like the last one. And you could get better. OR 2. The GP could live up to your worst fears. Then you could just walk out, say no thank you for the medication, and never go back, which leaves you exactly where you are now. So, if you go see the GP, you have, maybe, a 50% chance of getting help and 50% chance of staying the same. If you don't see the GP, you have a 0% chance of getting help and 100% chance of staying the same. The only decision that makes sense is to see the GP because it's the only way you might come out ahead.
Finally, I don't know if Narcotics Anonymous would be a good support group for you, or if there's one in your area. Look them up on the internet and read up on them. If it is a good fit, attend one of their meetings. It's a group of people who are constantly fighting the urge to take drugs and they help each other stay strong.
I hope you are a feeling a little better today after reading some of the replies?
I picked up on the part that when your mum picked you up and on the drive up North you opened up to her and she was able to ween you off the medication.
I'm hoping you will confide in your mum again and speak to her about this? As you can see, your not alone and people are here to help and get you through this x I know/we know you can get help with this and get 'you' back.
Hello there. I think you've been really brave posting so honestly about your situation. There are so many people here who will read your post and be able to empathise with your situation. You'll never be alone here, I promise you.
I'm thinking about how you can resolve the situation with the 'amended' GP notes. If you can remember at which chemist you picked up your prescription, they will have records of what tablets you were given. That said, there isn't really a reason for the doctor not to believe you. For what reason would someone tell a doctor they'd been addicted to tablets, if they hadn't? I've discovered how easy it is to stockpile tablets. My GP gives me a month's worth, but any time after three weeks she will give a repeat prescription. In theory after just three months I could get a 'free' box of tablets. Dangerous really.
Have you thought about contacting your local branch of MIND? Depending on the nature of your illness, there may by support groups nearby where you can go and meet people who really understand what you're going through. In times of crisis there is the Samaritans. I discovered recently that you can have face- to-face appointments with them, as well as telephone ones. You can even talk to them via email if that's easier for you.
Keep strong, this difficult time WILL pass, and we are all here to talk anytime you need us x
It does sound to me as if you are already in a 'unit' which will monitor you and support you. Your family. You have told your Mum about your problems once before and she helped you, which is confidence building.
Also, you say you have nothing to live for, then tell us you don't want to die in case it affects your family. That is something to live for then.
Your GP is there to help you. One bad one should not mean all GPs are likely to act the same. Go in with an open mind and think positively and you have a better chance of succeeding.
Hi welcome to the site. I can't add anything to the great advice you have been given especially by Kris and Annie (wonderful replies) so am just saying hi. x
Hello
We do not know what your condition is although I can see from your script you seem frantic and confused what to do next.
Personally you really need to see your new GP and discuss your fears and concerns in Surgery, Believe me when I say they have heard it all. If you are having problems following the correct medications there are very effective ways that will not allow you to over medicate. Of course you can be be sectioned either Voluntary or Compulsory, if you feel in yourself that you have lost control, or feel that you are in danger.
Possibly a good way forward is discuss with your new GP the possibility of making an appointment with a CPN, who will discuss your problem and mental health problems with you. This would be the best way to go at this time.
Give your new GP a chance to help you as you will need to show trust and realise that your health and your problems are his concerns as well. You are in partnership with your GP when it comes to health concerns, so it is important that you will need to cut him some slack and allow Him to help.
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I dont know if I can handle this
Help needed to open up 
I am broken and don’t know what to do. 
I need someone to listen to me
I just don't know where to turn.
