I really need help. My life is over. I just exist these days.
I suffer a rare condition/illness and it seems I'll never be fixed. I'm having to come to terms with that. It also means that everything I worked for has come to an end. I'm no longer able to finish vet school, I'm no longer working a job I love, I'm unable to work at all, I will never have kids and it will more than likely be the death of me. I have to be accompanied everywhere I go and all sense of independence has gone.
I'm petrified of going to the GP. Im scared that she won't believe my history with mental health and just prescribe me pills and I'll be back to who I was 8 years ago. To explain, I moved up north 6 years ago. Before I moved, I suffered depression and severe anxiety. I hadn't been diagnosed with my illness then. The GP I was under back then was supposed to be fab and nice so i went to see him and told him everything. He prescribed me pills to help me, for a few weeks I was sticking to what the guide said but they weren't helping so instead of taking 2 up to 3 times a day of each types (there were 3), I began taking 4 of each, then 8 of each and it continued to the point I was taking strips at a time accompanied with vodka - I was 17. The GP would prescribe me a Months worth and after a few days I'd be putting in for my repeat prescription and he would always give me it without question. As you can imagine, it became a habit, I didn't realise I was addicted until it was too late. I hid it well from my Nana who I lived with. I realised something was wrong when I began self harming. I called my mum and asked her if I could move up north to be with her. She collected me the next day and on the drive north I told her the truth. She got me off them over time. Now the issue is that the GP who got me hooked in a way didn't send my complete medical notes up when my new gp sent for them so there is no record - I think they were removed as he know if I get them, I have a case against him. But I don't think my new gp will fully believe me. I think she will medicate me and I can't trust myself. I just want to die to be honest. I have nothing to fight for but I don't want my family to be any more embarrassed by me then they already are. I want to be sent to a unit where they can help and work with me, where they can monitor meds and I can get help as soon I need it and they can stop me from doing any of this. It hits at all different times of day and sometimes its a solid 5 day struggle whilst other times its a few hours. I nearly self harmed tonight, I only stopped as my phone rang. I know I'm spiralling out of control but I can't face the gp in case she doesn't believe me or she medicates me - I just have a mistrust of the NHS when it comes to this. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be happy again. Does anyone know of a service I can contact to help me who won't just pack me off to my GP? I know I need help. I'm too afraid to tell my mum too. I don't think I've actually told anyone out of fear.