Hello everyone, sorry for not posting in a while, i've had a lot going on and never found the time to come on here. I need to talk about a few things:
So i went to my initial assessment appointment at CAHMS (child and adolescent mental heath service). We were supposed to have the whole family there so they could build a bigger picture of what triggers my anxiety/depression/depersonalization/ocd etc. But i really didn't want that, especially because my mum and dad have unresolved issues from their break up and it would end up being about them; like it always does. So i was allowed to go myself and it lasted about an hour and a half. It was really scary to actually come out and say certain things that have lived only in my head for the past five years. But the result was they wanted me to come back for CBT and hypnotic therapy; and they'd send out a letter in the next week and then another the following week. This was the start of last month and I have heard nothing back from them or recieved any letters. I've been so paranoid about what they're doing with my information, what if they just think im stupid or have told my family about all the secret stuff i've said. I know she said it was confidential but i've had this happen to me before and a nurse has told my parents everything i said (when i used to have therapy when i was 11). I've been back to the doctors twice since then, and they want to take bloods for a couple of reasons. Mainly for my B12 levels (becuase i'm so tired all the time and they might give me iron supplements). I'm supposed to go on a 2-4 weeks basis, but i've had so much to do recently that ive missed my doctor appointments and my blood taking appointment and i feel like ive been away from all of the support for too long. And i feel bad because i never phoned to cancel because I forgot about what appointment it was and its becasue i didnt put it onmy to do list or my calanders and its just proved to me that trying to get rid of my OCD is stupid because it keeps my life in order and if i didnt try to take things easy like my mum and the doctors have told me too, then that wouldnt have happened.
It's also a really hectic time at school, I've had 2 music exams aready and all coursework for all my classes are due next week. My teachers have been really pressuring me and in particular my art teacher keeps bumping my confidence down. He tells me im not confident and thats why im probably going to fail. And he want's me to make everything on my dress that i'm designing to look "messy" and scattered", which i'm having a hard time telling him that i cant have it like that, because he just shouts at me and tells me how i'm the worst in the class. The thing is, ive actually been really proud of my art work this year and he's just knocked me right off. I feel like everythings getting too much for me and in the past two months ive felt really suicidal and wanted to just end it. My group of friends at school has started to really piss me off too. I have a lot of friends, but there are 3 of us that are always together. There is me, Roisin and Amy. Pretty much, Roisin has been my best friend since about 4 years ago, although it feels like we've known each other for longer. She always says i'm her best friend and she'll bitch about amy to me all the time about how she just doesnt get her like i do and she talks about how pissed she is that amy can talk to all the boys perfectly fine and be open and flirtacious with them, but she cant really talk to me at all. Which ido agree with, i do try tomake conversation with her but it's really difficult and i'm noteven sure why. When its just me and amy, i get really anxious because i dont know what to say and i hate awkward situations. I found out that she's also just going to CAHMS, which kind of really annoys me. I know that thats such a selfish thing to say, but Roisin has told me that she makes a joke out of it, and that she uses it as a way to get sympathy from boys to then sleep with them. So even though i like amy, i find it difficult to talk to her and she uses mental health services like its a joke. But the other thing is, Roisin often ditches me for amy and i wonder what it is that i do that they bitch about. I know i shouldnt think like that but it really annoys me how two faced roisin can be sometimes.
Another thing, I broke up with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago. He was really clingy and although he was so nice, he didnt understand anything i said about me and my mental health and how i need space sometimes. So i had to get out of it for now, because i can't love someone else if i don't love myself. I do really miss him, and i know he still really wants to get back together and help me bt i need to be by myself. which brings me to another point, but ill make a new post for this because this one is starting to get really long haha!
Anyway, thank you if you managed to read all of that, you dont need to reply to it but i just needed to get all that off my chest.
i hope youre all doing well, lots of love