I'm feeling worst then I ever felt!!!!

I'm severely depressed, I'm a Mom of a 6 year old girl, I'm a wife but my husband works 2 jobs and never home, my Mom passed away in my early 20's and my Dad lives in TX. I was on celexa and seroquel, seroquel wasn't working so I got off. Now I'm gonna try Wellbutrin again but got some temporary barriers to get to it because of my insurance. My family don't wanna hear no more of my depressing talk, my sister in laws won't answer the phone when I call, my husband don't really understand, my friends don't talk to me. I have a church but it's hard to get there cuz me n my husband share the car and I let him drive it to work most Sunday's. It's SO hard to do ANYTHING each day and I can't take no more of this. Although I constantly think I don't wanna be here, I would never harm myself cuz my daughter is so close to me and I would never would want her to go through the pain of losing her Mom like I did. Please, anybody know how I feel? And how u pull through?

14 Replies

  • Hi there and I hope you can find some support from looking on this forum and posting. I am glad that you do not want to cause harm to your daughter and yes she would suffer if you decided not to be here ; You sound very responsible but in great pain.

    Do you find that the medication helped when you could get it?

    It is fine to write your "depressing talk" on here as that is what we are here for; I often do! It can be very difficult when others don't want to listen; can make us feel guilty for how we are feeling but we can't help it and it helps to let it out so please do so on here rather than letting it build up.

    Gemma x

  • Thank you Gemma for replying and talking to me, it's great that people on here are feeling the way I do and that I'm not alone. This was my first time posting so it's great for encouragement. I'm still on the celexa which not helping at all and tomorrow I have to straighten out my insurance and talk to my Dr for her to add the medication, something about its not on the approve list at the pharmacy. I tried to fix the problem fri but halfway I got frustrated and put it off. If I can just get up and get my dgr ready for school on time tomorrow, then afterwards I can try and fix it. It's sooo hard.

    And yes it's so frustrating that my family and friends don't wanna deal with me. It's hard enough that I'm not that social, then on top of being severely depressed most of the time, it's really difficult. But posting on here is helping. Thanks again

  • Hi nice to meet you and welcome to the site. Have you been for counselling at all? Did it help? I think your main priority is to try and feel better first then you need to make some changes in your life - things that aren't working for you like rarely seeing your husband coz of work. You sound like you are religious so can you get involved in your local church and meet people that way? Can you get there without your own transport? Maybe you can afford another car? There are always ways round things but I don't think you are at that stage yet where you can think of these.

    I too am glad you are thinking of your daughter first and please never harm yourself. I get where you are coming from but you are no longer alone with all this as you have us. Many of us have family and friends who don't understand depression but we do. Take care.

    Bev xx

  • Hi Bev, thanks for welcoming me and replying. Yes I've been in and out of counseling for the past 15years (I'm 35now). It has helped n the past but I was n the middle of an insurance lapse so I was without for 8mths. Yes, as soon as I feel better I hope things get better. My husband can't quit neither job right now cuz I lost my full time job 8 mthe ago n been struggling to work this very lil part time job I have until I can find full time work that will fit our schedule. And don't get me started on our marriage; we have to go to counseling again.

    I can't go to my church without a car cuz it's too far. We could take public transportation but it would take 2 trains and a bus to get there and right now I don't have the esteem nor the energy to deal with public transportation.

    No, I don't wanna harm myself cuz of my daughter but a lot of times the mental pain is sooo bad. Thank you and the others that are reading, for your support. I hope I can support others, even in my mental state.


  • Yes I understand your pain!! I'm sorry you feel so bad!! How lovely to have a daughter who needs you and gives you the reason to live. Losing a loved one is so painful and I suspect you miss your mums support.my family can't be bothered with me and it's been a real letdown!! But they have there own issues,I feel closer to my friends,try and network a few friendships, friends have been my lifeline.yes I still suffer depression and extreme lonliness,but I'm of to see the doctor again to try and get help! It's a battle we all face on this site.but we all understand your pain and your not alone with these feelings.your daughter gives you a reason to live.she loves you unconditionally. We are all happy to listen,so message us at all times.we are here for you.i hope I've helped abit.best wishes to you.

  • Hi Evelynarnold, thanks for responding. Yes it's great and not so great to have a child while being severely depressed. She knows Mom lays down a lot but she also see Mom get up to take care of her and myself and believe me IT IS PAINFULLY HARD!!! Yes I missed my Mom terribly but i still have to go on. That's great at least you have great friendships. I have one friend that will actually listen and care about my situation but we only talk thru text cuz she is so busy. Plus even she will never truly understand it my husband. I applaud that u are going to the doc and keep trying. Am glad u understand me. It's so hard even trying everything sometimes. Glad to see we all in this together.

  • Hi love,we do understand,I get up at 5, in the morning as I just think to much and I'm constantly tired! Doc has put me back on citalopram 10mg. And got a leaflet to ring up counselling? Got to face work and put on a smile while inside I'm dyeing!! We all just want to switch of these feelings and get on with life don't we!! I've never been married and have no kids.ive worked with kids all my life and feel lonely not having family of my own!! Thinking of you!!

  • I have nothing to say about your situation, I just hope everything will be fine.

    Keep us posted. Hugs for you.

  • Thank Dale20 for replying and letting me know you're here. I will keep you posted.

  • Hi sunnyclouds,

    I know how you feel. you are lonely, isolated, frustrated, feeling like you are letting your daughter down. You lack energy and are demotivated. You are still feeling the effects of loss in your youth and now loss of your father. Your husband probably loves you but doesn't know how to help you, and it may be driving a wedge between you. The lack of a spare car when he is at work adds to the problem.

    I have felt all these things. I lived in Texas when my daughter was young, alone many thousands of miles from family, with an emotionally closed husband who spent his time either at work or socialising with workmates as they were more fun than me and his child.

    In the end I left and went home to my family, but I wish I had had someone to advise me on how to fix things rather than running away from them.

    It is better to stop looking back or wishing things were different, and get on with accepting your situation and acting in ways which make it better. Stop relying on the people from your past, who have their own lives to live. Stop seeing yourself as just a wife and mother, and work on rebuilding your life as an individual as well. Your needs are important and if not met you cannot meet anyone else's properly.

    I would suggest you try to do little things to lift your mood. Try to meet some new friends. It takes a while but it can be done. Find a closer church if possible or ask for help with transport from other members. Someone may be happy to collect you and drop you off. Isn't that what church is about?

    If you can't get a full time job working for someone else, how about doing a sales job working for yourself such as selling makeup or kids toys. It is a way of meeting people too.

    When with your daughter, do you play with her at all? Do you try things like baking, painting, story telling? Play is a great way of forgetting your troubles for a while, and maybe end up with a nice cake or painting to share with your husband when he gets home. I'm not sexist, so if art or cooking is not your thing, how about teaching your daughter to ride a bike or identify insects or something. Anything as long as you both enjoy it.

    I don't know if counseling is always the way to go. It is expensive and means dwelling on your problems. I believe if you improve the quality of your life your relationship will be helped naturally. Eventually you may look back at this point in your life as a bad dream, the lowest point. The good thing about it is that the only way is up.

  • Hi Findingme, thanks for the reply; yes a lot of those feelings you mentioned, I have. I don't know where to start. I've accepted my Moms passing but it has had an affect on me, but at the same time I keep moving from it cuz I'm not the only one who lost her. So did my Brother and other family. But as far as being there for me, I don't expect it anymore because ppl have there own lives. Yes, I would love to meet new friends but 1) I gotta feel better 2) at this age, I feel most ppl already have there go to ppl. That's funny u mentioned selling make up because I was just reintroduced into maybe starting that. After I feel better. I do most of the Mom things with my daughter but no I don't play with her as much as I should and I constantly feel bad, but thank goodness for those tablets, because she is content curling up with me playing that. I did manage to take her to the playground yesterday.

    For me though, counseling has helped in the past. With our marriage, we need it again. There's a list of reasons and for him, I think he needs that push.

    With church, it's a very small one and I haven't asked anyone yet. I used to be motivated enough to drive my husband to work then go to church but this setback has knocked me down. Ok I'm righting so much lol, so imma stop for now.

  • Hi SunnyClouds,

    I've been there too. I know the pain is worse than anything physical, and the only reason I didn't decide to check out is because of my 2 sons, who I love more than anything. I tried medication also, and it didn't work for me that great, and for one of them, I think the side effects (being content to lay in bed, stare at the wall, and drool) were worse than being depressed. I lost lots of days because I couldn't drag myself out of bed.

    I'm 50 years old now, and after trying lots of stuff, I'll share what worked for me, and hope that some of it might work for you.

    In the short term:

    1. Set one DOABLE goal each day. For me, sometimes the goal was as simple as taking a shower or washing the dishes. That way, at the end of the day, you can look back and tell yourself that you accomplished something. Remind yourself that depression is hard and that anything you accomplish is a win.

    2. Start to think about which thoughts you have are good, and which are really the depression talking to you. Examples: "This is temporary - I'll feel good again some day" is a good thought. And "No one would ever want to be around me because I'm depressed" is a depression thought - think about it: of the 7 billion people now living on the earth, NONE of them would want to be around you? That doesn't even make sense.

    3. Ask someone at your church for a ride to and from church. Depression thought: "I would be a burden." Good thoughts: "People who go to my church are basically good. They WANT to do good deeds, and it would make them feel good. If I assume someone wouldn't want to help me, but they really did want to help me, that would really be insulting to them."

    4. Consider doing things at churches closer to you. I know people who go to Sunday service at one church, bible study at a different church, and volunteer at a food pantry sponsored by yet another church. My church is close to me and has a lot of activities that I participate in.

    In the long term:

    1. Exercise. I try to walk or garden. Sometimes it's too hard, so I'll just go outside in the sun for a while, and sometimes just being in the sun is enough to get me going. I have also borrowed a neighbor's dog to walk to try to force myself to have an excuse to walk. ("The dog will miss me..."). Or do any kind of exercise that you might find enjoyable. There are all these studies that show that exercise works just as well as meds - if you can get yourself to do it.

    2. The thing that finally really worked for me and made the biggest difference: Changing my diet. It was really, really hard, but I cut out all sugar and bread, and started eating tons of vegetables. When I need carbs, instead of bread or pasta I eat rice or quinoa. After about 2 weeks of this, I started feeling really weird - a little hyper and smiling for no reason. I can accomplish tons more in a day. I think this is what "normal" must feel like. I think maybe it's because my blood sugar doesn't bounce up and down so much - the whole grains and no sugar make it stay the same all the time. I don't know if this would work for you, but the side effects of this treatment are pretty good: I lost 30 pounds.

    I hope some of this stuff works for you. And I'll keep you in my prayers!


  • Hi K, yes that's why I got off the seroquel because I was always tired. Yes, I'm not at the point where I don't do anything because I can't because of my daughter and husband. I get her up everyday, help her get dressed, breakfast and off to school, since my husband work nights. But there was days when she was late because of me. I try not to beat myself up about it though. I try hard.

    I try to think about good things that I remember when I can.

    I don't want to ask anyone for rides at my church, it's very small and I'm not close with them like that yet. I could visit the local churches sometimes, nothing wrong with that. But right now I'm not ready.

    Getting out the house is great and today with the nice weather, it felt so good. I was thinking soon as I get a new job, I was gonna get some nice curtains and plants to let the sunshine in. That's another problem, because of winter, I've been in on top of being depressed so I've been shut out from the sun.

    Yes, I too have cut down on sweets and sugar, red meat, etc. since getting off seroquel, I haven't really had the desire for them. That definitely had an impact on my mood. Yes, I can eat more veggies.

    Please keep me in your prayers as I pray for each and everyone of you. Thanks Shan

  • Hi again Shan,

    1. You might consider if you have seasonal affective disorder. Here's a description I like: depressedtest.com/sad.html I understand the lamps are a little expensive, but if you get your doctor to diagnose it and write a prescription, you might be able to get it discounted. I'm pretty sure I have at least a touch of it, but here in Southern California, I can just go outside most of the year for a sunlight fix to pick me up.

    2. Consider doing some volunteer work. I volunteer at our local food pantry, and also for habitat for humanity, and also for our annual homeless census where we hand out free stuff. It helps me in 2 ways: 1st, I see lots of people worse off than me, and it reminds me to be grateful for what I have, and 2nd, I know that God does his a lot of his work in the world through people, and any day that I know God has used me to help someone else is a good day. It's like I get to be part of a miracle or something.

    3. Try phoning pastors for help in getting connected. They know who's nice and lives close to you and might be willing to drive, and they know who needs volunteers. Tell them your situation - they've heard it all and every pastor I've talked to is super understanding. They can talk to people for you and arrange things so it's not so uncomfortable for you.

    Set a goal for yourself to do one thing different - pick easiest suggestion I or someone else has made and resolve to act on it by a certain date. Then do it. When you start to make changes, things will change for you. I promise!


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