Don't know what's going on

This is the first time that I have ever done this. I don't know if I'm low or just a moody 20 year old.

I feel really isolated at home, I get so annoyed and angry with my mum dad and brother. Like really angry were it feels like I can't breathe or go anywhere, like I'm trapped.

My mum and dad aren't together and I always feel it's a competition between them.

When I get really upset I cry, ugly crying I feel like I'm not worth anything.

I think about killing myself, how easy it would be to just go somewhere quite and just die. How it would feel just not care and not be here anymore. I try really hard just not to care.

I don't know whether this is normal thoughts for a 20 year girl.

Can someone please just tell me that it's just life and to just get on with, that I'm normal. Or just let me know if I might be a bit low. Cause I don't know what going on in my head.

9 Replies

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  • Hello CB

    Twenty years old with problems with parents with issues, you say they are now separated, so I may understand what you are suffering from Let me explain.

    I was an only child until I was ten years old, at that time my parents had two further children both girls.

    My parents married in 1950 as they were expecting me and in a way they possibly resented that they needed to do the right thing to marry in May several months before my Birth. After my birth my parents would go of on holiday and pass me down to my Grandparents, although I was also passed down to a Surrogate family that were no relationship to me, they were lovely people.

    Parents were very bright I had a learning difficulty so my parents were not at all happy with me. We moved for the arrival of my two sisters and my parents still preferred to pass me down the line whenever they got the chance.

    My Mother took a teacher training course over four years and my surrogate would come and look after me and be there for when my sisters just came in from school, My Mother I understand went of the rails and I was by that time about sixteen and from that time my Father would pull my mother to bits in front of me and my Mother found out and I was basically let to rot, and still my Father went on until his Death seven years ago. Now I have moved far away from my Sisters and Mother and live a new life.

    Several years ago I tried to commit suicide because by this time I was suffering from a Chronic Disability with associated pain and a Reactive Depression, taken to hospital they sorted me out and from then on my wife needed to look after my medications in case I did it again. I had suffered Depression before my disability and had taken a large dose of largactil, at that time they ran me around the block without shoes to keep me awake, I still have the scars.

    Parents when their marriage is in danger or devorced can make a childs life unbearable and can and do make possibly the eldest life a misery, with blackmail, and calling the other partner, the lower aged children take the side of the other partner and this can lead to sibling rivalry. The rest is self explanatory.

    I do not say this has happened to you, although the situation could be causing you a similair problem.

    What you need to understand is get yourself out of it now, your parents errors are not yours and you should not suffer. It is more important that you and your brother make good and so you need to try and both pull away from your parents.

    With me my parents have caused us in marriage great problems because of what happened to me.

    With regards to ending it all do not try. You will be suprised with the attitude of the medical profession. Believe me suicide is not brave, you are very alone and generally you could fail and the treatments are not very pleasant.

    I have rabbited on here, what I am saying is in a long way around is look after your own interests and when parents go at you get the hell out of the way. You are just starting your life, your parents are on the home run. Remember their problems are not yours they belong to them. We do not choose who our parents are, although we choose our friends

    Good Luck

    BOB

  • Thank you so much for sharing your story! It really helps put this in perspective.

    Thank you also for given me your advice. My parents do love me, I know that. I get on mostly with dad, we have a good relationship he is just weird when it's comes to my mum always comparing himself to her. My mum is selfish, even more so since she got divorced from my dad. She is always going on about how the world is out to get her and she takes anything i do it my own life as personal attack.

    My parents separated 5 year ago, this is what makes it so exhausting. In high school and college while separating was happening I was very isolated and would sit it my room A lot crying into my pillow. This is mainly because I didn't know have to process it, no one was telling me why it was happening and if they did I would get two different stories. I did hurt myself twice but I knew it was wrong and stupid so I didn't do it again. I have never told anyone that. I don't think I will ever hurt myself again, but I can't help but think about it.

    I know my circumstances do seem very trivial to some. This is why I am so confused why I feel this low.

    With my friends I'm a different person. I love their company, it's just when I'm on my own or at home that I feel like I'm getting sucked into a black hole.

    Thanks again Bob!

  • Hi there sorry that your upset right now. Sometime life is ups and downs

    And we all get browned off at times. Maybe you are Depressed,

    Why not go to your GP , and be totally honest with Him,maybe getting referred to someone

    You could talk things over with. He will be able to help you and tell you if your

    Depressed. Please do t suffer on, get help now and start enjoying your lovely

    Young life

    Are you working or a student.? if working you could move out and get your own

    Space. If not try and do things to get that tension out, The Gym or a walk In

    He park will help.

    Try and join things that you are interested in , cultivate a hobby or start learning

    Something.new . Make plans , there is lots you can do. Just remeber you do have

    A choice over how you spend your time. Plan a holiday. As the Nike ad says,

    ' Just do it'. Doing any kind of activity helps the mood.

    It's always hard when parents separate but try and stay neutral and don't be drawn

    In to badmouthing one of your parents. They will soon get the message that you

    Are not going to take sides.

    Hope you feel better soon. Let us know how you get on and pop back on

    To chat and get support.

    It's quiet now but I'm sure others will be online later to give you a hand.

    It's always nice to get a few perspectives.

    Hannah x

  • Thank you Hannah for your advice and support.

    Yes I do work, I'am currently saving for a car, I don't earn enough to be able to live on my own.

    I have got holidays and weekends away planned with my friends, I also go to the gym twice a week with them. As i said to bob I love spending time with my friends, their company is the only safe haven for me.

    Yes I get on with my dad. But his is a constant talker and I can't stand the way he turns my situations on to him. He can't let me rant cause it will turn on to him and his bad day.

    Before I went to my GP I just wanted to see if anyone thought I need to. I thought what I was feeling was just normal thoughts and that I would grow out if them. But I read some one the interment, never good, that got me thinking.

    Thanks again Hannah.

  • Hi CB you soo. As if your doing some nice things to help yourself.

    It's hard when people only want to talk about themselves, I have

    A friend like that too , and it's always about him, no matter what's going

    On in my life he brings the whole topic around to him, I find that

    Exhausting so I don't see him much.

    Please look after yourself and it's nice to be getting a car. Maybe try

    And keep a mood diary and then if you do visit yoyr Dr. You will

    Have a picture of what triggers your stress and negative feelings.

    Keep in touch for support. Here.

    Hannah x

  • hi there sorry to disappoint you but i cant tell you how it feels to be normal i can tell you it would be a good idea to get to your doctor and ask for some help ! please dont try doing anything to your self as it will solve nothing ! your are a young lady who needs help and your doctor should be of help.good luck.and i wish you well david

  • Thank you for your support and your advice. I will consider going to my GP, as I said to Bod, I don't think I will ever do it again. I just can't help but think about it.

    Thanks for your luck David

  • Hi CB

    Welcome

    I'm sorry to hear how much your parents divorce has affected you. Have you told them any of this specifically? Do you think they are aware that it is so painful for you when they compete with each other? Or do you all avoid the subject of your emotions? It could be that your father feels guilty and tries to shift blame to your mum to alleviate his own pain. Or the way he turns your conversation around to him could be an attempt to empathise with you, or to get your sympathy for the pain he us still feeling. It is not always successful when family members look to each other for help when neither fully understands the situation and there is often a problem with communicating feelings. Perhaps family counselling might help.

  • Hello CB

    Sorry I have been unable to get back to you I have been away for a time.

    You need to understand the break up of your Parents not only affects them it also can cause problems with their children and if you are still suffering, you need put this unpleasant problem to rest especially if you are still at school or college, you need to be able to concentrate upon your life and move on and not be held back in any way. If you need to take advice and get rid of your negativity it is a good idea to be able to talk it out. In this case see your GP and they give advice or push you along the road to a safe conclusion.

    Be positive and strong to both your Parents and do not allow them to effect your future in any way, you will need to be able to broadcast your needs to them and do not be afraid of any negativity they may throw your way.

    You know where we are if you need some support and understanding and utilize your friendships with like minded young people.

    Good Luck

    BOB

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